Avenue 5

Remember that vigil for the children

- who died in the French famine? - Très tragic.

We need to shit on that vigil. How do we do that?

- Actors. - They gotta be sad-looking

and non-union.

One thing usually means the other.

- Where is the real captain? - He's...

No. That's not happening.

We are trapped here unless I show leadership.

And I need you

- to help me do that. - Give me one of those.

Yes?

What's the impact on the voyage?

Three years plus six months.

Do you notice

anything about this oddly good-looking group of people?

They're actors. Meet your real engineers.

What is this, a betting syndicate?

Hey, man. Uh... Captain.

Owner on the bridge. Everybody, carry on as normal.

Why wouldn't you?

What's going on in here? Smells tense.

Tense is my middle name.

Tense is my middle name!

Bugger. I'm still here.

Captain, I'm gonna get a gander on some of this stuff,

because I think that...

No! Sorry, can't...

Can't let you see that, because then I'd have

to sleep with you to find out what you saw,

- and then kill you. - We've all been there!

Hi. I'm your captain, Ryan Clark. How are you doing?

No, how are you doing?

No, how are you doing?

You tell me. No, you tell me.

You tell me, arsehole!

Let's look at what's trending this hour.

Avenue 5 is stuck in space. I don't think I'm alone

in thinking, "Thank fuck I'm not on that ship!"

The passengers are angry, as I would be

if I had their crappy lives. Good morning.

Shove your attitude.

Anyone giving negative comments should be blacklisted

from all future voyages. How would they like that?

I imagine they might like that a lot.

Well, this feels real.

Morning, ma'am! A new dawn has broken.

So has our toilet. We're not animals, you know.

Right. I will... I will talk to Matt about that.

Good luck pissing in the basement

for the next three years.

Good morning, captain. You look haunted.

Thanks.

How are you adjusting to all of this?

Well, you know,

just a little bit curious as to why you never told me

that the whole crew are a bunch of fakes who have been

shat out of Julliard.

Well, I didn't think you would react well.

Here you are, hissing at me in a hallway.

This is radiation.

And that moon-botherer is real. You couldn't make that up.

Now, ships are constantly being bombarded by cosmic rays.

It's deadly! So, how do we fight it off?

I know, I know! Poop!

Smart kid! Zeke is right.

A shield of human waste protects us from radiation.

That's why they call it the poop deck!

No.

It's from the French for "stern."

I'd close your mouth, because it's not a joke.

Every ship has a turd cloak.

Has a what?

You don't know about the wetsuit?

Look at you, listening in on us!

Well, no, he knows everything.

He's the captain.

They call me Mr. Wetsuit.

That's one of the things we call him.

Look! Who is missing a genius?

- Over here! - Okay.

Maybe I should learn about this stuff.

Space and so on.

I'll... I'll explain it to you.

So, all this technology, and still, human feces

is the best way to not get cancer in space,

which reminds me, vent the wetsuit.

You know what I have written on my hand?

- What? - "Unclench me."

Hey, asshole, I want my life back.

- Thank you. - Man.

I don't wanna go the same way as Richard Branson!

Fed to his own pigs on his private island.

It's still early. The passengers get easier to wrangle

after the first drink.

The financial stuff, tell me honestly, Iris...

- Yes, I do. - I didn't even ask the question!

"Do you think we're fucked, financially?" Answer: yes, I do.

I don't like being unhappy, Iris. I just don't like it.

You get used to it.

Do you verbally consent to a hug?

Here's an idea to get people to like you.

Drinks. Here. Cocktail party.

All the passengers, meet them in batches.

Yeah. Maybe someone will hug me there.

All right, so, journey time...

Okay, so you can meet 19 people a week.

Nineteen. Odd number. Don't people come in couples?

No. Widows, widowers, priests, ugly people.

- You're not a couple. - Neither was Zeus.

- And I'm basically Zeus. - He married his sister.

My sister would make a selfish bride.

Okay, so the batch parties are a go.

Where we at in terms of the vigil?

Did you fill it, like I asked, but didn't ask?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Remember I told you that I wanted...

You're doing a whole deniability thing.

You only need to do that in front of other people.

People, not half-people.

There's no air resistance, so we're just sailing on, right?

But what's the... What's the Rafer valve?

I've already told you this one.

I thought you were Mr. Wetsuit.

Come on, Zeke, please! I said I would give you pens.

And that is how I saved the entire ship!

This is a bright kid.

He's probably hoping he'll grow up one day

- and be like old Spikey? - Not really.

That's a little harsh.

Punk.

Hey, Hey, where's your...

Where's your mom and her fellow moms?

- She's over there. - Thank you.

No, she's not. She's over there.

That's... That's pretty smooth.

I worry about the victims.

But one of the biggest victims

is Mr. Judd and the Judd Corporation.

I blame NASA's refusal to honor code 346

of the International Space Treaties.

Is he just saying that off the top of his head?

Why do you find it so odd?

Who knows what stage of grief he's at.

There's no stage of grief known as

"fluency in international space law"!

The question of liability is up for debate.

What is your problem? He looks the part. It's perfect casting.

Casting? What the...

They're actors.

The... He's an actor!

Well, if it took you this long to work it out,

- what is the problem? - That's a good point.

Shut up, Alan.

It'll look terrible if it gets out

that we're paying actors to get public support!

Send them home!

Won't that look terrible? If the vigil suddenly disperses?

- Yeah, good point. - Shut up, both of you.

Actually, that is a good point.

- I'm not... - Shut up, Alan.

Okay. Mads, let's see what you've learnt.

What is your engineering clearance level?

High.

No, it's a number between one and 100.

100?

Guys, come on, this is not community theater!

You've gotta know this stuff like you know your own names.

Do you mean our names, or our character names?

What? Oh, don't tell me

- Mads isn't your real name. - No, no. No. I'm Colin.

For f...

No offense, but that is a placeholder name if ever I heard one.

Yes, what's your name?

Sarah.

- Sarah. - Is that your real name?

It's also Sarah. That's why I got the part, I think.

Right. So, who are you right now?

- Now? - Yeah.

Sarah.

No, but are you actual Sarah,

or are you in character?

- Yes. - Which?

What was the question, sorry?

Judith of Norwich.

This is why they should slash art funding to the bones.

Sorry, quick motivation question.

- Yes, Sarah. - How is Sarah responding,

now that she knows that the captain's fake?

No, he's not! I am not fake!

I am... I am solid, I am dependable,

I am un-fucking-flappable!

- Right. - I know that...

I'm not coming out that way right now,

but that's what you... what you all have to remember.

After all, if I was fake,

I would not know what a Roofie valve is.

A Rafer valve.

Right. Well, I got the word "valve" right.

Yes, you did.