Swedish Dicks

Los Angeles, California.

The land of sunshine. And traffic.

But that didn't bother me. It gave me some time to think.

It gave me some "me time".

Sadly, starting that sunny Monday morning, my "me time" was totally fucked.

Ingmar, I was wondering, is it okay if I call you Ing? Instead of Ingmar?

And you can call me Ax, if you want. - Aah, I don't think so

How about when I text you, I can just text Ing. Or even better - just I.

What the hell is wrong with Ingmar? Nothing, no, that works... - Yeah..

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know, I know I'm talking a lot, but..

.. you know its our first day working together, I'm a bit nervous That's when I start talking.. a lot.

Well, actually, that's a lie, because I always talk a lot, but.. but.. even more when I'm nervous.

But right, I'll shut up now. Be quiet.

Where we going? - Oh, to my therapist.

- Your therapist? - Yip. My therapist.

As far as I was concerned, a high class therapist had nothing on a low class shooting range.

Stop staring!

What will they do? Shoot at me? - Yip!

Well, well, well... If it isn't "Igmar" the Swede?

I see that you have seen shopping for extremely gay cardigans at H & M.

Jane McKenney, founder and CEO. of McKenney Enterprises -

- the number one investigative firm in all of Los Angeles. - I'm...

Axel. Born and raised in the South of Sweden -

- in an area called Skoalne. Did I pronounce that correctly?

Well.. perfect. Actually.

Up until three days ago you were a somewhat successful DJ who in a moment of existential crisis..

..decided to join the detective game.

How did you.. - As I told you, I'm Jane McKenney, the number one investigator in all of Los Angeles

I'm a pro, not like "Igmar" here.. who sucks.. at everything.

Ah - he doesn't suck at everything, he doesn't suck at anything.

- Do you suck at anything? - Stop now.

- What are you doing? - Giving you a hand.

Look at this! Little Swedish ladies in a little Swedish lady fight. "Pop"

Hey! I would love to stick around and smell that aftershave your're wearing..

..but I need to teach this guy how to shoot.

You? Teach? Mr. Lone Wolf? Hahahaha. That's funny.

Tell you what. Give me one week and I'll have him shoot much better than one of your boy-toys.

- Are we on? - Are Swedish Fish from Sweden

Well, actually, Swedish fish don't come from Sweden.

This is on.

You my friend, are as screwed as a piece of IKEA furniture.

And you.. well.. just try to stay alive. At least until after the contest.

What did she mean with "try and stay alive"?

Try to stay alive. Screw her and put on these.

I cannot do this. Weapons kill people.

If you want to work with me, you must be able to handle a gun.

There is your target. - It's heavy.

No, I do not know... I can't.

Wait.. "Come on, motherfucker"!

For you, this is nothing, but for me it is totally...

- You should have been inside my pants. - Uh, no thanks.

Okay, thats it. Just gonna do it. Do it

Au!

Hell!

I think my wife's having an affair. Its someone at her work.

I wanna hire you to a.. find out if she is.

I just wanna thank you for choosing the Swedish Dicks.

You do not have to shout. I'm blind, not deaf.

We had a little accident at the shooting range. It affected our hearing.

He blind? I have a friend who has a friend-

who ripout orphan cat's eye and transplant into human.

If you want, I can hook you up, blind man.

- What? - Not now, Sun.

You think about it.

Well, we will immediately start surveillance on your wife sir and if she's sleeping with another man we'll let you know.

Or a woman. She could be sleeping with a woman. You know. Or an animal.

Sleeping with animals was actually legal in Sweden until just a few years ago.

- Now listen! You gotta filter your thoughts. Okay?! - Yep. Right.

You can't say whatever pops into your head, just because it pops into your head. - Yes, right, I'm sorry

Now the poor guy hired us to find out if his wife is cheating on him.

How many times do I have to I say it? I'm sorry, you're right.

No! No no no no! No! You listen to me.

You tell your client either he accepts the contract as is, or my client will walk..

..all over his grave. Am I making myself clear? Great!

- But.. is it true though? - What? - What you just said out there?

That its legal to sleep with animals?

It was legal. Until 2014.

About the same time that they forbid testing makeup on animals.

I'm not saying is correlated...

..but uh.. it makes sense. You do not want to sleep with an animal thats not wearing makeup.

- Hi Dad. - Hi.

- "Dad"? - Saraa is my daughter.

My name is Sarah, Dad, okay. Its not "Saara". How hard can that be?

She doesn't speak Swedish. - And why should I?

Its a totally useless language that only nine million people in the world even understand.

Do you want to put that into a true perspective? Nine million people is exactly two million people less than the eleven million people that currently reside in Los Angeles County.

Plus, by not speaking Swedish, I get to show my father how pissed off I am at him that

he chose to hang out with his stunt buddies rather than me when I was growing up.

- And who are you, by the way? - Oh, I'm Axel. You talk fast. Really fast!

- She's a lawyer. - Oh! Speaking of which...

I got the judge to drop the breaking and entering charges on you in the Hartman case. - What?

Wow! Thank you. Owe you.

Uh-oh. That's the understatement of the.. century. Considering that you actually do owe me because you never pay me.

Oh! I gotta go. I'm having some contractors come do some renovations on my condo.

- Who did you get? Who are you hiring? - Don't start.

- Start what? - Interfering in my life.

Well.. I'm just asking a simple question here. - Nooo. A simple question would be:

"What are you having renovated?" Not "who is doing the renovations?"

- Love you. - And I love you too.

Not one word...

After that joyful family gathering it was time to take care of business.

There was a cheating wife out there. We just had to prove it.

Hopefully with Axel keeping his mount shut.

Oh-ho-ho! Hey! Walkie-talkies! Hallo, testing, testing,...

So uh, your relationship with Sarah...

- Seems like something you two need to work on... Over. - I don't think so.

Well, I'm no shrink. But I could be.. after all the hours I've been in therapy...And what I saw between you two..

..Not good. - Can you stop playing with those! Expensive equipment! Okay!

Okay! Just saying, if you want to, I got the number to a great shrink. You sit down..

Thanks, but no thanks.

- Over and out. - "Okay."

You see? I did "air quotes"... means that I don't believe what you said.

And I'm gonna do this: Ping!

Which means I don't care.

Touche! That's French and it means ...

I know what touche means. -Oh yeah? -Yeah. -What does it mean?

Oh whoa whoa oh, here it is...

This is where she works.

So, what do we do now?

Now we gonna sit here and wait. Keep our eyes open.

- Wait? - Uhm hmm. - Just wait? - Yip.

- Do you think we can change the music? - You can't.

The cassette is stuck in there; I can't get it out. You know what, it flips to the other side by itself.

Just wait,...

Listen.. listen... Now!

- Wow! - Yeah

Excuse me. - Whoa whoa whoa.. what are you doing? - I need to pee.

Okay. You gotta use the piss jar.

- We have a piss jar? - Ja-ip.

So.. I'm supposed to pee in this? - Yeah, I don't want you to step outside and blow the cover. - No, no. - Sure

Oh my God! Can you do that in the back, please?

Be easy on the carseat.

If this is what you did to Sarah when she was a kid, I can see why you're having problems.