American Housewife

So, does your family's business

only manufacture corrugated cardboard?

Or do they also make binder's board,

counterboard, solid bleached board...

You Googled "types of cardboard" before this, didn't you?

I make time for the things I care about.

Same. That's why I spent all day with you.

I had a really nice time.

See you at school, Ollie.

So, things are getting pretty serious, "Ollie."

Call me that again and we start looking

for retirement homes this weekend.

But, yeah. She's great.

- Nice, smart... - And rich.

Yeah, but they're "make their kids drive

old Mercedes to keep them grounded" rich.

Not my favorite kind of rich, but I still like her.

Is all this stuff for Anna-Kat's playdate this weekend?

Yeah. These are popular girls.

They can make Anna-Kat.

This playdate has to be amazing.

I'm sure they're gonna have fun.

Fun isn't enough.

It has to be the best playdate of their lives.

I'm going to buy goodie bags.

It doesn't matter how rich a kid is.

You put 4 bucks of crap in a little bag,

they go nuts.

I know I'm grounded, but can I go to Trip's game tomorrow?

I don't know. Is Trip's game tomorrow

two weeks in the future,

where you're not grounded anymore?

- Um... - No, you can't go.

Why can't you punish me when I have nothing going on?

You think I like doing this?

Well, I do like doing this.

But I also have to.

It's my responsibility as a parent.

You'll understand someday.

Fine-ah!

- - Why is she grounded?

Her back-talk is out of control.

Don't forget to return your library books today.

You have your own bedroom!

Why do you have to live up my ass?!

It's gonna be a hell of a weekend...

the kind that can destroy a parent.

But I've got it.

That's why they pay me the big imaginary bucks.

Are you okay? You don't look so hot.

I feel a little... off.

I'll be fine.

Have to be.

There's nothing to worry about.

You couldn't throw up on the garbage disposal side?

- - Ugh.

I'm sick.

And I am in charge of Anna-Kat's playdate tomorrow.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

So, ask Greg.

He has a work thing.

Mm. You just let us know what you need.

Oh, really? What do you guys have going on tomorrow?

- Oh, um, well, we're going to a... - We're...

Guys, you there?

Guys, I know the screen didn't freeze.

Everyone is moving around you.

The waiter is filling your coffee.

Ugh, fine.

I wouldn't do it for you, either.

Bye, Katie. We love you.

- Feel better! - Mwah.

- Whoa. - What whoa?

It's none of your concern.

You seem to be confusing me with someone you can say that to.

Gina Tuscadero?

"Home from Deervale. Want to hang?"

You are not really thinking of seeing her, are you?

I don't know. Mm.

She broke your heart.

You laid curled up on this couch

for two months moaning about it.

It was pretty pathetic.

You did the exact same thing when McDreamy

was killed off "Grey's."

Someone died, Oliver.

Besides, now you're seeing Brie,

who hasn't lied to your face, broken your heart,

and made you cry so hard, you did this.

You promised you'd never bring that up again.

Just to be clear,

Gina is not allowed in this house.

I am adding her to the banned list,

along with gluten-free Girl Scout cookies.

I mean, this is America, isn't it?

- I made you some soup. -

How you feeling?

- Not great. - Mm.

I have to keep an eye on Oliver and Taylor

- and oversee Anna-Kat's playdate. - Mm.

How's your work thing?

I have to go see my assistant's stand-up comedy show.

That's your big work thing?

This is my chance to finally get rid of him.

If Grant makes it in comedy, he'll quit for sure.

Wouldn't it be easier just to fire him?

Trust me, it's easier to nurture his passion for stand-up.

You know him.

He's kind of unstable and obsessed with me.

The other day, right as we were getting off the phone,

he said, "I love you."

Caught me by surprise, so I said, "I love you, too."

Now he's got me saying it every time.

- Grant. -

About your showcase...

I'm so glad you're coming.

And I can't wait for our post-show hug,

which I think will go something like this.

Mm.

Let's not get carried away.

Maybe you're right.

Is my dream of fame a mistake?

You know what?

I'll just stay here with you in this office, forever.

No. No, no, uh, no. You love comedy.

Let's make a time capsule, right now,

to commemorate the day we decided to grow old together.

I'll put in my undershirt.

Stop.

You need this.

You need to get up on that stage.

And then you need to get up on other stages...

stages far away from this university.

And laughter is the universal language,

so you could go anywhere... like Russia.

You could go to Russia.

Thank you for your support, Professor Otto.

Oh.

I need a ride. I can't drive.

My peripheral vision is not what it used to be.

Plus, I have three DUIs.

So, you still have to get the goodie bags

for Anna-Kat's playdate.

Actually, I couldn't cancel on Grant.

I wanted to tell you last night, but you were sleeping.

Well, I can't reschedule this playdate...

it took a month to get it on the books.

Don't worry... I found someone who can sub in for you.

Katie?

Please tell me it's anyone but my mother.

Tell me it's the guy who sells pickles by the off-ramp.

Oh, come on.

When you're under the weather,

- there's nothing better than a mom. -

Hi, honey.

Ew! You're sick.

W-Why didn't you tell me she was sick?

Brought you some ginger ale.

- Ah. -

How are things with Dad?

Good, good.

We cuddle on the couch every night.

Oh, that's nice.

Actually, we don't have any choice.

The apartment is so small that there's only room

for the one stupid love seat.

I need to show you the stuff for Anna-Kat's playdate.

There's a binder.

- Seriously? - Mom, please.

I need you not to suck at this.

Oh, relax.

- I raised you, didn't I? - Not really.

You were never home.

I was alone while you were traveling around,

boozing it up at airport bars.

Ah, good times, good times.

Everything's in the binder.

- Please just follow the instructions. - It's a playdate.

God, parents these days.

They're... They're just so uptight about everything.

Secondhand smoke made you the woman you are.

This is my kid.

And I need you to do it my way.

And I need you to make sure

that Taylor doesn't leave the house.

And keep Oliver away from his ex-girlfriend Gina.

- Got it. -

And you need to relax.

- - Just take it easy.

Uh, here.

Just take this.

Hm.

It's got a bit of a bite to it,

so probably best if you don't try to get out of bed.

A bite? What did you give me?

Uh, it's off-label, uh, flu medication.

Yeah, I take them whenever I'm feeling a little run down.

But most people use it