American Housewife

Mr. McNeish, it's time to abandon ship!

Have you made peace with your maker?

Huh?

Franklin, you're Mr. McNeish,

I'm explorer Ernest Shackleton,

and we're crossing Antarctica.

How many times do I have to tell you?

Four?

Tell the crew we'll eat the sled dogs if we have to!

Don't worry, boy. We'll eat you last.

Franklin, it's time to go. I'll drive you home.

I have to get my inhaler.

I'll get it for you.

If you go, there's a 50-50 chance

you'll come back down with an empty toilet paper roll.

Mr. Otto, can I have a word with you in private?

Am I in trouble?

How can I help you?

Well, the spring dance is this weekend,

and I'd like your permission

to ask your daughter to go with me.

Of course you can take her to the dance.

Between you and me, I think she's had a thing for you for quite some time.

Big-time. Duh.

- Do you want any advice? - I could really use some.

I think my teacher may be a vampire.

Vampire.

Oh, Franklin. You are one for the ages.

So, it looks like Anna-Kat has her first date.

Granted, it's with a kid who kicked the ball

into his own goal 11 times in one soccer game.

Do you know what this means?

- Our little girl's growing up. - Yeah, sure.

But more importantly, all three kids

are going to be out Saturday night at the dance.

We'll have the house to ourselves for an entire evening.

Wow. It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

It's like being pulled up on stage at a Springsteen concert!

Or like when I had that huge pot of leftover chili

and I picked the exact right-size Tupperware

to store it in.

Our relationship amazes me every day.

Me too.

We can actually get it on

without feeling rushed or exhausted.

And...

...we can finally make use of this bad boy

we sent away for.

Ooh.

Nights alone.

Man, we had fun before we had kids.

Of course, that fun is what turned into these kids.

Mm.

And I heard Franklin telling Dad

he's going to ask me to the dance!

That's so exciting!

Oh, but you have to act surprised

so you don't take his big moment away from him.

Oh, I can act surprised.

Okay, he asked you to the dance.

He didn't electrocute you.

Just hold a smile for five seconds,

then accept.

Sounds good. Thanks.

Look at me, giving advice.

Who's the big sister now?

You.

You've always been the big sister.

I knew that.

So, are you getting me a corsage for the dance?

Eh, I found an old Christmas wreath in the basement.

- I'll throw it around your neck. -

You're not... doing that, right?

Ooh! Let's go in.

Maybe we'll learn about our future together.

You've got to be joking.

It'll be fun!

Don't you want to know what our wedding song will be?

"Danger Zone," Kenny Loggins. Next.

Let's get a second opinion.

Hmm.

What?

Are you about to tell me I'm adopted?

If you are, don't look so worried. It'll be a relief.

This time tomorrow,

the kids will all be gone and it'll just be you and me.

This is gonna be a special night.

And I picked up some aphrodisiacs

to get us in the mood.

Cheetos?

The dust has a way of getting...

everywhere.

- Mm. -

Well, Franklin!

What a surprise!

Are you ready?

I was born ready.

And with one extra toe.

Your dad says you've had a thing for me for quite some time.

So let's do this.

Will you go to the dance with me?

Ugh!

If I could do this over,

I would have pinned him down on a few more specifics.

So, my mom can take us to the dance,

or you can just drive.

I still need to sit in the back.

Airbags.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Franklin, can I talk to you in my office?

Hold that thought.

Has this been going on for a while?

I need to talk to Anna-Kat.

This is bad. This is so bad.

They're not really seeing each other, Oliver.

That's not it.

Brie and I were on Main Street, and she pulled me in

to see that psychic that no one ever goes into.

You mean the one with the neon sign outside

and the cat in the window who never moves, might be dead?

Yes. She predicted this would happen!

Hmm.

You have sisters.

He does!

A boy will come between them

and break one of their hearts.

That's impossible.

My sisters are eight years apart.

You saw what just happened! The psychic was right!

Oh, my God.

Did she say anything about me?

How many times am I gonna repeat senior year?

Psychics are con artists.

Besides, why are you so freaked out?

What does this have to do with you?

She made another prediction!

Why is that woman on fire?

He has swords through him.

Don't you have any cards of guys getting a massage

or having a picnic?

An evening of romance tomorrow

will end in disaster.

You're a lot of fun. Do you do kids' parties?

Something bad is gonna happen at that dance

that'll ruin my relationship with Brie.

I don't think I should go.

I need all three kids out of the house.

This psychic is jeopardizing my night alone with Greg.

I wouldn't worry about it.

Dude, you're totally gonna get stabbed

if you go to that dance.

Or something!

Trip, I'm feeling kind of sleepy.

Might need to take a little nap.

Would you be a dear and check under my bed for monsters?

- I'd be honored to. - Mm.

And you, calm down!

You're agreeing with Trip.

That should be your first red flag.

I just don't think it's worth taking a chance.

What if the psychic's right?

Okay.

If you could see into the future,

what would you do?

Make a billion dollars in the stock market.

Uh-huh. And that psychic drives an old Pontiac

with a garbage bag taped over the passenger window.

That's a good point.

Damn right it is.

I guess I just got myself worked up.

Of course you did!

Franklin asking out your older sister

is just a weird, kinda creepy coincidence.

Thanks, Mom.

So... you going to the dance?

I'm going to the dance.

My night of romance is saved.

But I will feel real bad

if he does get stabbed at that dance.

I don't see what's so confusing.

You were supposed to ask Anna-Kat to the dance.

She's my best friend.

Besides, isn't she a little young for me?

No!

Franklin, there is no chance

Taylor is going to go to the dance with you.

Then why did you give me your permission?

I gave you permission to ask Anna-Kat.

- I think we're just going in circles. - Oh, my...

You have your own boyfriend,

but you had to steal mine!

I didn't steal yours.

Franklin asked me to the dance.

I had nothing to do with it.

Besides, he's 9.