Friends

Hello.

Hello.

I love my new job!

- Honey, you're screaming. - You bet your ass I am.

I just had the best first day ever.

The kitchen? Twice as big as Allessandro's.

- Oh, that's great. Yeah.

And clean? Not just Health Department-clean, Monica-clean.

Awesome.

Oh, and the people are so nice.

There's this one guy, Jeffrey, he's the maître d'.

Chandler, you will love him.

He is without a doubt the funniest guy I have ever met.

- This is nice. - I know.

- You need both hands for that? - Yeah, I kind of do.

Well, how's this?

Oh, look at you two holding hands.

Is this getting serious?

Well, I, you know...

Have you not talked about it yet?

Am I making you uncomfortable?

If you were bigger you'd hit me, huh?

I'm sorry, heh.

It's obviously way too early for us to be having that conversation.

- Is it? - Maybe not. Is it?

Okay, when I got divorced...

...I didn't think I'd feel this way about someone for a really long time.

Then again, I didn't think I'd meet someone like you.

And this may be crazy-soon, but I want you to have this.

- No, not... That's gum. - Oh.

Oh, five bucks. I love it when that happens, you know?

- You don't know it's there... - I know. Keep digging.

Oh, sorry.

Oh. It's a key.

To be honest, I think I'd prefer the five dollars.

- It's to my apartment. - Oh, wow.

Ooh. Big step for Phoebe and Mike.

Look, I don't want you to feel like you have to give me your key...

- No, I want to. - Oh, thank God.

Yeah.

Wow. I was starting to think I'd never meet someone that...

...you know, I wanted to do this with.

Here you go.

- This is cool, huh? - It really is.

Oh, I know it. It is amazing. These little things open doors.

So I don't go back to work for another four weeks...

...but we would like our nanny to start right away...

...so that Emma could get a chance to know her.

I think that's really smart.

The easier we can make the transition for her the better.

That's great. Great.

- So do you have any questions for us? - Not really.

All right. Well, thank you so much for coming.

Thank you. - It was really nice to meet you.

- We will call you. - Oh, you know, wait.

- I do have one question. Yeah.

Do you guys do random drug testing?

Boy, we, uh, hadn't really thought of that.

That's cool. But if you do, I'm gonna need three days' notice.

Okey-dokey.

Wow. We're never gonna find a nanny.

Come on, Rach. We will. I promise. We have more interviews.

And worse comes to worst, we can always reconsider the, uh, first one we met with.

- What, the blond with no bra? - She was blond?

Just a sec.

- Okay, this one's name is Sandy. - Okay.

She's got a degree in Early Childhood Education.

Uh, she worked for her last family for three years.

Okay.

Hi. I'm Sandy.

And she's a little mannish.

- Ah! Oh, my God. David. - Hi.

- Uh, is this a bad time? - No, it's a great time. Come in.

Wow. Hi.

Oh, my gosh. What are you doing here? Are you back from Minsk?

Well, just for a couple of days.

I'm here to explain to the people who gave us our grant...

...why it's a positive thing that we've spent all their money...

...and, uh, accomplished, uh, nothing.

Who cares? It got you here.

Well, it got me to New York anyway. Then I got in a cab at the airport...

...and the guy said, "Where to?"

I just gave him your address. I didn't even think about it.

Wow. Where's your luggage?

Damn it.

All right, I'll call the cab company.

We can call them later. Can you just stand there for a moment?

Boy.

There's an old Russian expression, um, that goes:

Roughly translated, that means, um:

"This thing that I'm looking at: Wow."

Thank you.

Uh, no, you should see me when... Actually, no, I look pretty good.

Are you kidding?

You know, when you don't see someone for a long time...

...and you kind of build them up in your head, you start thinking:

"Come on, don't be crazy, nobody's that beautiful."

But, well, you are.

Well, so, um, are you seeing anyone?

No.

I'm just the worst person ever.

How can I not tell David that I'm seeing Mike?

Maybe he didn't give you a chance.

He said, "Are you seeing someone?" And I said, "No."

- Oh, well, that would've been your window. - Yeah.

I mean, I don't know. I was looking in his eyes...

...and I was just thinking, "Oh, my God, it's David. David's here."

He's just so irresistible.

- Really? The scientist guy? - Really? Chandler?

Continue.

Okay, then it gets worse...

...because I told him I would see him tomorrow night.

- Phoebe. - I know. Evil.

And, and, and, and...

I like Mike so much, you know? It's just going really well. Oh, my God.

Wow, isn't it ironic that David would show up...

...on the same day that you and Mike exchange keys?

Uh-huh.

Yeah. You know, and given my lifelong search for irony...

...you can imagine how happy I am.

- What are you gonna do? - I mean, I guess I just have to...

...tell David that nothing can happen between us.

Unless I don't.

You know, complicated moral situation?

- No right, no wrong? - You have to tell David.

I knew I should've had this conversation with Joey.

Funniest guy she's ever met.

I'm funny, right?

What do you know? You're a door.

You just like knock-knock jokes.

Save it for inside.

- Hey. - Hey.

So Oklahoma's a crazy place. You know, they call it the Sooner State.

Frankly, I'd sooner be in any other state.

And what's with Oklahoma having a panhandle?

Can all states have stuff like that?

Hey, yeah, I'm from the, uh, waistband of Wyoming.

But when I was 7, we headed over to the crotch.

Was your cabin pressurized?

And don't get me started on the way the people from Tulsa talk.

Okay.

What's with the word "y'all"? You know, just two words just pushed together?

Are we all allowed to do that? Because if so, I say why stop there?

You know, your new poodle could be your noodle.

And fried chicken could be fricken.

Waiter? Waiter, excuse me, I'll have the fricken.

See, that's funny with the fricken, right?

No, it just reminds me of something this guy did today at work.

I told you about that funny guy, Jeffrey, right?

Yeah, he came up.

Well, he did this bit. You probably had to be there...

...but it was Liza Minnelli locked in our freezer eating a raw chicken.

Oh, ha, ha.

- Were you there? - No, but it sounds fricken funny.

I really understand how hard it's gotta be to leave your child with another person.

I mean, it's like leaving behind a piece of your heart.

Sandy, that's exactly what it is.

- Are you gay? - Ross.

It's okay. I get that a lot doing what I do.

- But I am straight. I'm engaged, actually. - Oh.

- Her name's Delia. - That's pretty.

So you're just, like, a guy who's a nanny.

I realize how it's a bit unorthodox for some people.

But I really believe the most satisfying thing you can do with your life...

...is take care of a child.

Okay.

Like at my last job.

I met Daniel when he was 3 weeks old.

And I got to watch him grow into this awesome person.

When I left, I said, "I'll see you soon."

And he said to me, "Skadandy?"

- That was his name for me. - Oh, ha, ha.

"I'll see you every day right in..."

- It's okay. - Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap.

Oh, God, she must need her diaper changed.

- I can take care of that, if you want. - Oh, that would be great.

I love him, I love him, I love him.

Oh, come on. Rach, he's a guy.

So what? He's smart. He's qualified.

Give me one good reason we shouldn't try him out.

Because it's weird.

Why?

What kind of a job is that for a man? A nanny?

I mean, it's like if a woman wanted to be...

Yes?

King?

I, uh, hope you don't mind. I used some of my homemade lotion on Emma.

It's a mixture of calendula and honey cream. It'll dry that rash right up.

Plus, it keeps the hands young.

Yes. Sandy, you're hired.

That's great.

I'm sorry.

It's just such an emotional thing when you're welcomed into a new family.

Oh, God. Come here.

You gotta be at least bi.

Hey.

I need you to set me up for a joke.

When Monica's around, ask me about fire trucks.

Ooh, I don't know, Chandler. I'm not so good with remembering lines.

Well, thank God your livelihood doesn't depend on it.