Ugly Americans

They say no matter how fast you run,

sooner or later, your past catches up with you.

Comin' through!

Oh!

Whoa!

And I'm back.

There you are.

I've got you now, you filthy monster.

Huh?

Spare some change?

Damn it!

That beast has slipped through my grasp

for the last five years.

And you are under arrest for vagrancy.

Nothing personal.

I just need to take out my frustration on somebody.

Can I at least ride inside the car?

Not a chance.

You smell like a kennel, sweetheart.

Hey, you want to get lunch after my class?

Sure. Where do you want to eat at?

Where do you want to eat at?

You don't end a sentence with a preposition.

Again with the grammar.

Why does it matter so much to you?

I just think it's something you might want to look at.

I would be happy to work with you

if you want.

Oh, thanks. Me consider that.

And it's polite to use the door.

Uh, teacher,

can dirty lady with breath of cat food sit in hallway?

Hey, all my students are entitled

to the same amount of respect.

But she's pooping on Rick.

An honest mistake. She can sit next to me.

Hey, class, it's so easy just to dismiss the homeless

without giving them a second look.

Mark, it's me, Jaclyn.

We dated junior and senior year in college.

Jaclyn? Jaclyn Anderson?

Ha! You had a thing for hobos!

She wasn't homeless in college.

She was a Fulbright scholar,

president of the student government.

She was perfect.

Well, you didn't think so back then.

He dumped me because I had a severe allergy

to his favorite food-- Eggs.

Ugh.

You're remembering this all wrong,

but to be fair, who is allergic to eggs?

I maintain it was a psychological block.

I was so depressed over losing Mark

that I lost my scholarship and I dropped out,

and then my parents disowned me,

and I ended up living on the streets by the garbage.

Teacher is cold-blooded snake.

Well, looks like we're out of time for today.

Class dismissed.

We still have 42 minutes.

So glad I gave you that wristwatch for your birthday.

Could someone drop me at the ventilation duct

behind whole foods?

The janitor's really nice.

He puts out a bowl of water for me.

Eh, well, you can crash with me

until you get back on your feet.

He's got a hobo fetish, Jaclyn!

He lays one hand on you, call me.

Callie, you're not gonna believe who was in my class...

Um...

Oh, hey, can you give me a hand?

Why are you and this man putting clothes on now?

Uh, how rude of me.

Mark, this is... What's your name?

Whoa, I thought we agreed no names.

Of course.

What?

- Oh! - Have a great life.

You had sex with that guy?

Uh, yeah, Mark.

I mean, I am a demon. I got to have it.

And by it, I mean constant sex

with multiple anonymous partners.

That's why we're in an open relationship.

Randall told you to say this, right?

Is he filming us...

from behind this painting? Mm.

You're telling me

you don't have any friends on the side?

Good one.

Um, no. I don't.

I'm in a committed relationship.

This isn't normal.

Hey, do you guys validate?

No!

Callie, I got to say, this really hurts me.

I'm not comfortable sharing you with half of New York.

Hi, we met at the dog races yesterday.

You said to come by and...

I'm a demon, Mark.

You're going to have to either get used to me doing this,

or man up and go make some friends of your own.

If you're up for it, that is.

Ugh.

I buy for good friend.

Great Scott!

Tally ho, Commodore's bride! There's trouble afoot!

You really think I have something to live for?

No!

Ooh!

Don't forget to tuck and roll!

What's your emergency, Mark?

Your fellow men await, ready to help.

I caught Callie with another man.

Is no!

Nobody betrays a man club brother.

Who's the scumbag?

Scumbags.

Callie claims we have an open relationship,

and get this:

She wants me to have sex with other women.

Dude, what the fuck's wrong with you?

Callie just gave you the greatest gift ever.

You are aware this is the man club.

So you guys are saying

I should just toss out a full year of a committed relationship

and sleep with a bunch of random loose women?

Two points.

One-- You'll need to slut it up fast

if you want to maintain any power in your relationship.

Two-- What's Callie's number?

Does she like ethnic guys?

Nobody is getting Callie's number.

Well, that's it.

I move we adjourn this meeting of the man's club

with the ceremonial smoking of cigars.

Pledge! Cigars, now!

Uh. Yes.

- Leonard? - At your service, master Mark.

Who the hell told you to stand?

Drop and give me 50 boot licks.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Page 74, Lilly's rules of order.

The man club repudiates any form of hazing.

And Leonard just barfed.

It's my fault. I'll eat it.

The rules-- Of course!

What were we thinking?

Well, we'll knock this off forthwith.

All in favor of excluding Lilly from Hell Week, say "Aye."

Aye.

Hello? Jaclyn?

Are you here?

I didn't know what you wanted for dinner,

so I just brought friskies.

Hmm?

Oy. Ooh.

I hope you don't mind I borrowed your shirt.

You look so human.

I bet you say that to all the girls.

Yeah, and something smells delicious.

Egg dogs-- Your favorite.

Wait.

This egg dog has eggs in it.

I'm not allergic to eggs anymore.

Wha?

Oh, well, you get that, and I'll get the Uno cards.

You still play, right?

God, do I!

Do you remember when I laid down a yellow four?

You reversed it, but then I had--

Callie! Hey!

I feel bad about how we left things today.

Figured I'd spend some quality time with my number one friend.

Um, that's great, but could I get a rain check?

My gout is acting up.

Anyway, I better get this leg elevated.

Wait, that smells like candles and egg dogs.

Is someone... in there?

You ready to get schooled?

I've been practicing.

Eh, that's big talk from a girl

who's about to get hit with a wild draw four card.

Ba-b-bam!

He actually found someone?

Did you hear that?

All I hear is the sound of me saying...

Uno!

Oh, so we're gonna play real Uno now?

Okay, well, then let's play Uno.

I caught him playing Uno with a woman.

For Mark, Uno is like third base.

Nobody betrays a girls club sister.

Who's the slut?

What did you expect would happen

when you gave him a free pass?

I never thought he'd use it.