Veep

I'm gonna go to Omaha because...

I'm gonna run for president again.

In terms of the library...

We heard back from Yale. - Oh!

Their response was no.

Leon West is on CBS This Morning right now.

Freeing Tibet was a monumental achievement.

Yes, it was.

That was a success despite an almost pathological level of incompetence...

Her biased discretion speaks well of her.

- You look absolutely radiant. - Oh, thank you!

Yes. Your stay in the insane asylum,

- it's really agreed with you. - Oh. It was a spa.

So what do you think? Three Meyer-sketeers hang a shingle?

Jonah! I'm pulling all my financial support.

I am pulling this creature right off

the congressional ballot and replacing him

- with his cousin Ezra. - What?!

Goodbye, Jonah.

Guess who is interested in the Selina Meyer Presidential Library?

- Shit! It's Hop! - It's Andrew.

No, Yale!

And from the heady days

of our third-place finish in Iowa,

we fought together for the dream

of becoming the first woman president.

Whoo!

But tonight... Tonight, the voters

of Illinois, Missouri, North Carolina...

Ohio, Florida, Texas, and the territory of Guam

have said otherwise.

- God, I really thought we were gonna win Guam. - And so, ahem...

- I have decided to suspend my campai... - No!

No! Yes, I've decided to suspend my campaign.

Jesus, I need to get drunk and slop-fuck an intern.

I'm really sorry that I could not carry this one over the finish line

As devastating as this loss may be,

you have not seen the last of Selina Meyer.

Selina for you.

Selina for you!

Jonie, look, I have a special treat.

- Hello, former Congressman Ryan. - Oh, come on!

- Richard. - What are you even doing here?

Well, your mom said you could use some Splett pep,

so I brought you this.

See, the box is empty

to show that all you need to be happy is right here.

- Well, that's stupid. - Yeah, it was a waste of $30.

Look, save your pity, Richard.

In two years, I'm gonna run against my motard cousin, Ezra,

who's been a congressman for, like, two days

and he's already passed, like, 10 bills.

Well, two years is a long time.

I mean, you could petition for a recall

if they weren't unconstitutional.

Can I petition for a recall against Ezra?

- Unequivocally, no. - That's a great idea.

- That's awesome. - Well, it was nice to see you.

I guess I'll see myself out.

Well,

I don't know, as long as you're here...

you wanna play?

I'll let you be Aquaman. No tidal wave.

Does a rabbit need a yearly vaccination for myxomatosis?

It does. Well, maybe. It depends on the rabbit.

- But, yes. - Mom, can Richard stay the night?

- Can I please, Mrs. Ryan? - Oh, sure! I'll make waffles for breakfast.

- Mom, I don't want waffles! - Okay, then I won't make waffles.

Happy six month anniversary, my love.

- This belonged to my great-grandmother. - Oh, my God.

My great-grandfather bought it for her

with the money he made from his first major arms deal.

Wow. Well, we'll have to see what I look like later

wearing nothing but blood diamonds.

Selina.

- Here she comes. - Madam President!

Madam President, Ambassador, are you two engaged yet?

- Hey, guys. - It's the woman who freed Tibet!

Montez's numbers are tanking.

Is she gonna have to give up her Nobel Peace Prize?

How come you never talk about your stay in Arizona?

Oh, I love the Grand Canyon.

- That's not an answer. - Look over here!

- Arizona? - Yeah, it was a spa. It was just a spa.

- It's really nice. - Hey! Whoo!

- Hey, lookie, lookie! - Hi!

Here she is, the most beautiful woman in the spa.

- Hi, Mom! - Watch your toesies, watch your toesies.

- Hey, baby! - Hi!

- Boop-boop! - Hello, ma'am.

- Marjorie. - Marjorie.

- Lovely to see you. - Hi.

Yes, I'm gonna make you look pretty, okay?

What's new?

- You were here yesterday. - That's right!

They love you so much, they can't keep away.

Ma'am, that was a month ago. Gary is humoring you.

Okay. - Gary, are you sure that this isn't too much medication?

- People think we're married. - I think it's the perfect amount.

How often are you visiting?

- Oh, like, twice a day. - A lot.

But not as much as I would like.

I got a place about three hours away.

Mom, how are you feeling?

- Losing was just the best. - Aw.

- Yes, it was. - Really?

Because politics has a sickness...

That's right, that's right.

- Catherine. - That's right.

- And it's sick. - How about some lipstick?

- It's so amazing to hear you say that. - Yeah.

Mom, we were thinking that maybe when you're feeling all better,

that maybe you could come live with us.

- Yes, Mom. - Oh, isn't that nice?

You're beautiful. Catherine, you are truly beautiful.

- I'll have what she's having. - You're beautiful.

- Mom, we have a surprise for you! - Knock-knock!

Oh. As soon as I heard

what a vulnerable state you were in,

- I got on the first flight. - Hi, Andrew.

Okay, I'm gonna get the orderly with the big needles.

- Let's not do that. - You look beautiful.

- Oh, okay. - Oh.

That, uh...

Leon West will not let this spa thing go.

He's like a bald dog with a bone.

Well, ma'am, a buddy of mine works at the "Post" snack shop.

- He says Leon's on the outs. - Really?

The editors think he's lost all sense of objectivity,

and he's eating Luna bars for women.

- Okay, see? He's unhinged! - Mm-hmm.

He's like this demented creep

who follows me around...

and gets all in my personal life

and thinks about me 24-7, nonstop.

- Cuckoo! - Yeah.

- Ma'am? - Yeah?

They dropped off the final model for the library. - Oh, wow! Look at this!

- Oh, my goodness! - Look at this.

- So they solved the design problem. - Yes.

And so now the staircase goes right up and smashes through the glass ceiling.

Exactly what it's like to be a woman.

Yes, and they're working on the engineering.

They said it's a little unstable.

Yeah, also what it's like to be a woman.

Lookit, Marjorie! What do you think?

It looks like a vagina, ma'am.

See? Okay, that's from an expert.

You know, this is what I said in the beginning.

- I'm not seeing that. - Well, you don't have any frame of reference.

What if you trim the topiary around the edge?

- That could help. - Nobody's gonna trim the topiary.

- I'm not a porn star. - You could be,

- but you chose politics. - What is this, the clitoris?

You know what would be funny? We should put the men's bathroom there.

- They'll never find it. - Well, actually, ma'am,

the female pleasure center is quite extensive.

- Ah. - Uh, no, it's not.

- And that's the crypt, ma'am. - Right, that's what I just said.

No, the crypt.

What?

I'm gonna be buried there?

Yeah, most of the formers are buried at their libraries.

- Okay, I gotta... - I gotta go.

- Really? - That was Wendy.

Ellen just got a spot in the Harper Day School and full financial aid.

See, that wouldn't have happened if I paid you more.

More? You never... Now, ma'am, there is a problem.

- What? - As they were prepping for the groundbreaking,

they discovered the library might be situated

on the site of Yale's former slave quarters.

Oh, come on. What? Yale had slaves back then?

- This is not good, ma'am. - Wait, wait, wait, what if we own this?

Not in a slavey way, but, like,

if we put up a very sensitive exhibit that talks about slavery

and honors the men and women who suffered there.

Okay, well, that's an excellent idea, Mike,

but I'm not gonna have my vagi-brary underground railroaded by this.

- Mm-mm. - All right, who else knows?

Just the site manager, that's it.

But he's Italian, so he knows how to keep bodies buried.

Good. Nobody else can know.

Right? Okay, Marjor...? Okay, shit!

Oh, shit!

- Marjorie?! - Marjorie?!

- Marjorie! - Marjorie!

- Marjorie! - Marjorie!

- Marjorie! - Marjorie!

Slaves, Mother?

- No way. - Okay, Cat... what room is this, Catherine?

- Oh, my God. - I mean, when did we build

an Indian casino gift shop?

- It's the nursery. - Seriously?

- My God. - Well, where are the toys?

Or is the baby gonna play chess against death?

You know what, Mom, as your daughter...

And the library's third biggest donor.

Ugh. - ...and the library's third biggest donor...

Oh, I heard her. - ...you cannot build this library

on the oppressed backs of the ancestors of my child!