Hamlet 2

To act is to live.

Are you tired? Overweight?

Lacking energy?

Do you wish you could look and feel young again? You can!

By unlocking the power of natural juice

with Jack La Lanne's Power Juicer.

We juiced with this other juicer,

and look how much work it takes,

feeding the small chute.

To act is to breathe the poet's breath.

It is to embody the dreams of man.

To live as an actor is to live a dream.

I'm having a herpes outbreak right now.

But you'd never know it.

Thanks, Herpecol.

But dreams are ephemeral, and sometimes impossible.

So we must ask,

where do dreams go to die?

Hey, look, I'm sorry, okay?

Hey, well, why don't I take you out to dinner to apologize for my rudeness?

Give me your number.

You want my number?

Which number do you want, George?

You see, right there. I like the way you say "George."

For instance, ten. That's how many months old my baby girl is.

You got a baby girl?

Sexy, huh?

How about six?

That's how old my other daughter is.

Eight is the age of my son.

Two is how many times I've been married and divorced.

Sixteen is the number of dollars in my bank account.

And I'm guessing zero is the number

of times you're gonna call me.

Hey, the reviews are in.

Read them quickly. It minimizes the pain.

"Are Dana Marschz's bi-yearly stagings of

"popular Hollywood films an ironic gesture,

"or is he just profoundly confused?

"To be fair,

"this year's Erin Brockovich accomplishes something quite astonishing."

"It manages to make last year's production

"of Mississippi Burning look sparkling by comparison."

What about the acting?

"It is perhaps best not to mention the acting.

"In the theater, actors endeavor to simulate human emotion.

"Rand Posin and Epiphany Sellars flap their lips

"and wave their arms like malfunctioning wind-up toys..."

That's enough!

Every trimester we get fisted by this guy!

What's "fisted"?

What?

I have so much anger.

I feel like I've been raped.

In the face!

What do I need to do to please you?

Is that the purpose of your plays?

To please me?

I put a lot of myself into my work.

Would it kill you to say something nice about it once in a while?

Have you ever considered doing a play

that wasn't originally a popular movie?

No. Why?

Do you think I should be writing more of my own material?

That wasn't what I had in mind, but, sure, why not?

You know, there's so much I want to say through my work

that sometimes it overwhelms me.

I gotta go clean the hamster cages.

Are you going to be all right?

Yes, I'm great.

Okay.

Yeah, you take care.

Thanks for the truth sandwich, my little brother.

Morning, Gary.

Morning, Dana.

Top of the morning to you.

It's a really kickass sunny day outside today, man.

Great observation there, Gary.

We live in Tucson.

Can I talk to you, please, privately?

Sure, squishy.

Excuse us.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, I'm a little groggy. I was up late.

I'm working on an original play.

It's about my childhood.

Anyway, I know we're broke and that we needed a roommate,

but I swear to God, I can't live like this anymore.

I'm gonna go back to dealing pot, I swear...

No, no, I will not have you pushing drugs.

I was a dealer, not a pusher.

It's just until I, you know, get an agent

and start doing commercials again.

Also known as never.

You keep me honest, I adore you for that.

Well...

It's not so bad. I mean, Gary has a car.

That's helped out a lot around here.

Gary has a car.

Maybe I can get him to run me over with it.

Oh, you.

What did I do so right to get you in my life?

Hey, Max. Hey.

Okay, I... Okay, I get it.

Hey, gang, what's up?

Mr. Marschz, have you seen our new class yet?

No. Why?

Let's just say, it's new and different.

Well, Rand, "new" and "different" are two of my favorite words.

In my prayer circle, I've been praying

for more racial understanding,

but I still get anxious around ethnics.

Okay, please turn down the music.

Not off, just down.

Okay, we've got ourselves a full house!

Scary!

Normally, I only have the two students.

Let's go around and find out why drama is suddenly so popular.

You?

Yolanda doesn't talk.

But you know the only reason that we're here, right,

is because there's asbestos in the portable classrooms,

and because we live on the poor side of town

and there isn't any money,

they just decided to cancel everything that we care about.

You know, like computers and ceramics

and shop and arts and crafts, and drama was the only elective left.

Did anyone pick drama as a first choice?

That's fine.

Better never than late.

Okay, as a point of departure, has anyone seen the movie

Dead Poets Society, starring... What's your name?

the always-superb Robin Williams? I'm Octavio.

Well, it's very good. I was, for one week,

Mr. Williams' stand-in on the fantastic motion picture

Patch Adams,

when I lived in Hollywood. Hey, come on.

Hey, I'm just trying to be friendly.

He once gave me a ride to my bus stop.

I couldn't be happier for all his success.

Nice guys do finish first.

So what's... Hey, what's your name?

Heywood.

Heywood...

Heywood Jablomey.

Right.

Perhaps some of you have seen

the movie Mr. Holland's Opus?

Starring, I know...

Starring Richard Dreyfuss as a music teacher with a deaf son.

He can't hear his music. Imagine that?

Very sad.

Also stars Glenne Headley.

Wildly underrated.

Check these out. They're all

inspirational...

Teacher.

...teacher movies.

What could I do

to inspire...

Hey, you fucking bastards!

Just kidding. Hope I'm not freaking you out.

Wait, I hope I am freaking you out!

Is this guy for real?

Okay, let's start with an exercise.

Rand, get up here.

Okay, Rand. Be an animal.

Hey, check this out.

Yeah, this is one of the most basic skills a drama student can acquire.

That's beautiful, Rand.

Feline good.

Anyone tell what kind of animal Rand is?

He's a pussy.

Okay.

Okay. So, Heywood.

What?

What kind of creature would you be?

I could be a flaming ass crack.

Oh, wait, you're already doing that.

You know, I'd like to see your Bottom.

Like to see my what?

I'd like to see your Bottom.

I mean, your portrayal of Bottom

in A Midsummer Night's Dream. A Midsummer Night's Dream.

It's written by a buddy of mine, you may have heard of him,

William Shakespeare.

Yeah, he liked to goof around,

but most of the time he was serious.

Because he, like I, believed that theater has the power,

not only to transform the actor,

but also the audience.

Do you believe that?

Sounds kind of cuckoo-bananas.

But I believe that.

I believe that with every fiber of my being.

If I kick this trash can...

Oh, my God! Yolanda!

Oh, my God!

Okay, she's still conscious and she's not bleeding.

Man, you need to be careful.