Mixed Nuts

* I'm dreaming

* Of a white Christmas

* Just like the ones I used to know

* Where those treetops glisten

* And children listen

* To hear

* Sleigh bells in the snow

* The snow

* But then I, I, I'm dreaming

* Of a white Christmas

* With every Christmas card I write

* May your days May your days May your days

* Be merry and bright

* And may all your Christmases be white

* I, I, I, I'm dreaming

* Of a white Christmas

* Just like the ones I used to know

* Where the treetops glisten

* And the children listen

* To hear

* Sleigh bells in the snow

* I, I, I, I'm dreaming

* Of a white Christmas

* With every

* Christmas card I write

May those days May your days May your days

* Be merry and bright

* Ooh, ooh, ooh

* And may all

* Your Christmases be white

Felix, come back here!

You don't deserve to be the father of my child!

Come back here with that Santa Claus suit!

You jerk! You ruined our tree!

That tree was absolutely symmetrical!

It took us two hours to find it! It was perfect!

Nothing's perfect, you cretins!

Stop yelling. You're gonna send her into labor.

She's going into labor now! She is not! She's only seven months pregnant!

All right, stop it! It's Christmas!

It was an accident. Show a little Christmas spirit. You owe us 40 bucks!

Touch me and I'll sue you for a million dollars!

I'm sure Santa will repay you. It was 50 bucks, okay?

We can't even afford to have our baby. Now look what you did!

Mind your own business, Mister! You drove him away!

This is my business. My business is helping people.

Well, you know what?

Merry Christmas!

You have reached the office of Lifesavers.

All lines are busy.

If you are truly on the verge of suicide and calling from a touch-tone phone, press one.

If you are merely depressed,

stay on the line. A friendly voice will be with you shortly.

What am I supposed to do? I don't have a touch-tone phone.

Suppose I was on the verge of suicide?

Merry Christmas. Lifesavers. How may we help you?

I haven't slept for days.

I'm terrified of the Seaside Strangler.

I know he's going to get me.

Do you fit the physical description of his victims?

Are you a very attractive woman with long, dark hair?

Not really.

Although, how long do you think is "long"?

At least to your shoulders.

I can't stop worrying about the planet.

And what is it about Janet that is worrying you?

Not Janet, the planet.

Would you click your phone? There's some static on the line.

You know, dear, just click the little button like this.

Hmm!

We're not permitted to divulge the personal details of our lives,

but I can assure you I know what you're feeling.

Do you live alone too?

I live with my mother. That's all I can say.

Catherine, you're not supposed to tell them about yourself.

Oh, I could never live with my mother.

That's something to remember.

No matter how bleak things are,

at least you don't live with your mother.

Thank you for calling and don't hesitate to call again. Merry Christmas.

May I click for you?

I don't think so, Mrs. Munchnik.

That person wasn't suicidal, only depressed.

But if he or she had not spoken with you,

he or she might have become suicidal, mightn't they?

And where do you suppose Philip is?

I'm sure he'll be here shortly.

Playing around, probably.

That's very unfair. Philip is completely true to Susan.

Men are not true to anything. They will have sex with a tree.

If you look out the window, you'll see him pulling up on his bicycle at any moment.

I could be having Christmas Eve dinner right now

with all of my dead husband's relatives.

I am not someone with no place to go.

I'm sure you're not.

Merry Christmas. Lifesavers. How may I help you?

Philip! Just the man I'm looking for.

Merry Christmas. You're out.

You can't evict us.

Lifesavers has saved over 1,400 lives this year. Doesn't that mean anything?

Plus, you are three months behind in your rent.

We don't exactly have a cash flow.

After you save someone's life, you can't ask for money.

Doctors can. Aren't you some sort of doctor, Philip?

No.

Tell me, in all of your calls, has anybody impaled themselves?

No. Aw!

Stanley, how am I gonna tell the people who work for me their jobs are over?

I don't know. Try "you're fired." It works for me.

Does anyone ever drink glass? We're broke.

The state has cut back our funding.

No, they don't drink glass. Stanley, for God sakes, what's the matter with you?

Oh, they must. They must what?

They must drink glass. They must.

January 2. Out!

You don't care, Stanley Tannenbaum.

You're one of the people who doesn't care.

Of course not. I'm the landlord.

Oh, Philip, a tree.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. I'm so glad you could make it.

Are you all right? I'm fine!

Temper, temper.

I'm sorry. It's just that everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong.

Not everything, Philip. At least we're not being evicted.

And why haven't we been?

Where are the call sheets? Everyone else in the building

has received a yellow eviction notice. One hang up!

Dr. Gillespie has received two yellow eviction notices.

One woman worried about the Strangler.

One man about to slit his wrists...

Because his nonprofit business is being destroyed by a capitalist maniac!

If we do get evicted, I'm sure Philip will think of something.

That's right. I'll think of something.

When he was in the Peace Corps,

he built an entire Peruvian village.

And solved all of their soil erosion problems.

You could see the bright side of a plague.

I'm on my way.

Not without your present!

Merry Christmas, Mrs. Munchnik.

A fruitcake?

Yes.

Remarkably, like the one I gave you last year.

Thank you so much, Philip.

Oh, let me help you.

(I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS PLAYING)

* I'll be home

Merry Christmas!

* For Christmas

Say hello to your dead husband's sister for me. Thank you, I will.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

* Please have snow

* And mistletoe

* And presents on the tree

Help!

Help! Philip! Catherine!

It's Mrs. Munchnik!

Hello!

What are you doing with that?

It's my protection against the Seaside Strangler.

Oh, give me that, honey. We don't know anything about guns.

Oh, Felix, I could have sold that Santa Claus suit

and bought our baby a car seat.

We don't even have a car. What was I supposed to wear? You cut up all my clothes.

I was mad!

Honey, you were mad the day we met.

A man on the boardwalk comes up to me and says, "smile." A total stranger.

And you screamed at him, "shut up!" remember?

I did, didn't I?

You were right to.

It was a total invasion of your privacy.

It was.

Hey! Look what I got for you.

This means we can have the baby in the hospital for free!

All we have to do is swear we're completely broke

and have absolutely no way of supporting ourselves and never will.

Oh, God! Felix, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but...

You are the only person in my whole life who's never hurt my feelings.

You're a loser. I can't have a loser dropping in and out of my baby's life.

I'm not a loser, I'm an artist.

Why can't you paint on canvas or paper like anyone else?

Because, I'm a wall artist! But you don't have a wall!

But someday I will have a wall.

Someday I'm gonna do my masterpiece on a great big wall.

Right out there on the boardwalk.

And you're gonna be in it and the baby's gonna be in it.

And the sand and the sea and the stars are gonna be shining!

Mmm, I want a businessman.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about breaking up, Felix. That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, come on, honey.

I'm leaving.

Where you going? I'm going for a walk.

Gracie, honey, come on. You're just stressed.

And don't try to follow me either!

Susan! It's Philip.

Uh, uh, let me just go somewhere private where we can talk.

Tannenbaum's evicting us. The bastard! I'm sorry, Philip.

You're gonna have to get another job. Susan,

I've never asked you for money before, but you're a loan officer.