Practically Married

And that is how babies are made.

Dad, tell me this isn't real life.

Your mom's a doctor. She knows how these things work.

Dad, don't act so innocent.

It takes two to tango.

You mean our neighbors

Mr. Ted and Ms. Christy did that?

Oh, gosh. Aunt Marie and Uncle Tom?

Can you imagine, Luce?

Girls, one day, you'll understand.

And you won't feel so gross or yuck about it.

I don't want to get married and do the nasty stuff. Ew!

Well, you may like nasty when you're older...

with the right guys, of course.

I'm gonna have babies with Lucy.

We are best friends and sisters anyways.

Sweetie, that's not how it works.

You can't have children with your sister.

That's very, very wrong.

Yeah. Me and Sam are gonna make our own rules

and have kids without a boy.

Boys have cooties anyways. Duh.

Yeah! Sister parents! What's better than that?

Let's get married together.

Well, that's not how I planned this conversation to go.

Do you have anything to add, dear?

Dear.

Uh, no.

I'm good.

-Hello? - Hey, Lucy, it's Billy.

I'm running a few minutes late to the park.

Sorry about that.

I just got here myself.

Sorry. What did you say? All I can hear

is some gangsta rap music in the background.

Houston, Texas.

Well, you know, it's Christmas time.

Some people will be starting that ho-ho-ho a little early.

Pretty cool you're letting our first date

be a workout in the park.

I'll go easy on you this round.

We'll see about that.

Much better.

Oh, uh...

Hello?

Hi.

Okay, I see you.

Oh. You're here? No, I don't see you.

Yeah, no, I'm looking for you.

I like the handlebars you have up there.

Oh. Thanks.

I think it's a little cold outside.

Yeah, it would, like -- It would appear so.

I think we had, like, a weather change or something.

That's okay. We can warm you up later.

So you want to go run or something?

If you can keep up.

Hey. I'm here.

Took you long enough. Rob?

Oh, yeah.

Okay. You look a little --

a little different than your profile picture.

Ah. I lightened the hair a little bit.

You know, the brunette was a little harsh for my complexion.

Definitely a different look for you.

Yeah, uh, you know,

I took that picture a few months back.

-A few months? -Yeah.

I might have put on a little bit of weight,

but, you know, it's easy for me to take off.

Ready to order?

Thank you so much for coming to this place.

It's actually my friend's. They just opened it.

Mm, no problem.

Just not sure what's good to eat here, though.

No, every-- everything's good. Yeah. Yeah.

-Like what? -It's delish. Oh.

for one, it's my favorite. I mean, I'm kind of a pasta-holic,

but fettuccine alfredo.

-I'll be getting that one. -Wow.

Do you know how many calories are in that thing?

It's the lunch portion.

I know. You'd think it'd be less, but nope.

Mm. I usually don't count calories

on a date or...a blind date.

Oh, okay. So sorry.

Get whatever fatty thing you like, then.

No judgment here. You know, if you want to pack on the weight

like I did, be my guest.

Santa and his Mrs. Claus.

One step closer to Christmas. Ho, ho, ho.

Ah, nice little visual. Thank you.

But don't you girls just go to the bathroom

and throw it up afterwards anyway?

-What? -You know, bleh!

Bulimia is really not my -- my thing.

Oh. Alright.

I've dated other fat chicks beside you.

No judgment here.

Um...

So I guess that's a no on the artichoke dip?

I'll just stick to lettuce.

Come on, pussy.

I tell you what.

I won't call you a dick if you don't call me a pussy.

I'm not one of your fucking guy friends.

Whatever. I'll just call you crazy.

So dramatic, just like my ex.

Psychopath.

You want to see psychopath?

-I'll show you psychopath. -Come on.

Careful! Look out!

Are your kids okay?

Are you okay?

Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing.

It hurts.

-Are y'all okay? -Yeah, we're okay.

Yeah, Mom. We're fine. Didn't feel a thing.

-See? They're fine. -They're champs.

But is he gonna be okay, though?

I think I need an ambulance.

Hey, are you okay?

What hurts?

Billy, do you want to get up and, you know, maybe show us?

Can you help me up?

Yeah.

Thank you.

You know, lady, your kids should have been

paying attention to me.

You were running backwards.

You know what? You're right.

I will make sure that they learn their lesson next time.

There shouldn't be a next time. Stupid kids.

Learn about birth control.

How dare you say that to her.

Clearly you hit your head a little too hard.

I didn't hit my head, and I was talking to you.

So, are you going to show us where it hurt or what, crybaby?

Yeah, I can show you.

See? Right there.

Oh, my God.

What is that?

That's awful.

It's -- It's a scratch.

-Oh, wait. I can't see it. -It hurts.

See what you kids did?

We can't be responsible for that.

Oh, you mean the tattoo?

-Yeah. -Isn't it awesome?

That tattoo is a powerful tattoo.

You don't like it?

I mean, is it permanent or more like, you know, henna

-gone in a week or two? -It's permanent.

You have to keep that on you forever?

Yeah, that's what permanent means.

You should probably get that removed.

Yeah.

Maybe a little magic eraser can fix something.

No, I don't think anything can fix that.

I can't help it if you kids don't have good taste in art.

We have good taste,

-but that's just bad. -Bad.

-Idiots. -What they said.

Please. You're nothing but a grown man crybaby

over some little scratch.

This scratch isn't little. It's big, and it hurts.

-Crybaby, crybaby, cry -- -

Okay, kids. Alright.

Stop making fun of the sensitive man.

-Crybaby, crybaby, cry -- -

Y'all are just a bunch of bullies.

So you're not gonna call the ambulance?

I think you need more than that.

Mm, yeah, I think we're gonna go now.

Good luck with that.

They just called me a crybaby.

I don't know.

-No! -Okay.

Let it out.

You ready for dessert?

I would love some dessert.

I'm done. This is -- Mm-hmm. I'm ready.

What'd you have in mind?

Oh, just like cheesecake, creme brûlée.

-Oh, yeah. -Anything with some

just sweetness to it. Just --

Yeah. That'd be great. That'd be great.

Yeah. Great. I just have to be at church in the morning,

you know, be there on time.

Oh, no, no, no, of course. I eat my dessert so fast.

-So delish. So, yeah. -I bet you do. I bet you do.

Yeah, you'll be fine, 'cause church is in the morning, and,