Big Baby

Welcome to act two of...

...Blood Soaked.

The biggest, bloodiest movie review podcast

in the history of the world, as usual I'm Vampire Greg.

And I'm Steve Strange.

And we're just gonna jump right in

with our review of the movie The Blackest Moon.

Really? No, no, small talk?

No, "How was your weekend, Greg?"

Uh, no, if you watched this movie,

then I know how your weekend was.

Well, let's just say that, uh,

let's just say that The Blackest Moon might be one

of the worstest movies I have ever seen.

Ooh, ouch. The worstest?

Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

but this movie, straight up dog shit.

Okay, all right. Come on, Greg.

I think I actually prefer dog shit.

No, you know what, Steve? You know what?

You're right. Well, I take that back. That's fair,

because I stepped in dog shit yesterday,

and I actually did prefer that.

Bro, you know what I'm saying?

All right. Who wrote this monstrosity, anyway?

Let me take a, lemme take a peek here.

I got, uh, um, Adam, Adam Lewis.

- Adam Lewis, looks like. - Mm, Adam Lewis, okay.

Well, Mr. Lewis, if you are listening

to this podcast, I have some advice for you.

And what is that, Steve?

Just kill yourself.

Fucking piece of shit, assholes!

-What's going on? -Nothing.

Just these fucking podcast morons.

Babe, why do you listen to that stuff?

You know, it's meaningless, right?

I don't know.

Maybe in the hopes that someone somewhere

will say something fucking nice.

Who cares?

I mean, they've never written a script before.

They don't even know the first thing about it.

Okay. Then why do you care?

I, I don't.

Seems like you do.

Let's forget it. Okay?

Look, just come sit next to me.

I'll tell you nice things.

Lemme just finish listening to this first, okay?

Okay.

You're crazy.

- Terrible. - The fact that he's writing

horror movies, I, I wish there was a horror movie

about how horrible horror movies can be.

It's just maddening. You know?

The level of unchecked, uninformed criticism

that goes on in this world.

I mean, I'm just trying to contribute, you know?

Entertain people, make them think. What I get in return?

You know, I get, I get fucking torn apart.

We're still talking about this, huh?

Yeah, well, yeah.

You only focus on the negative. Okay?

Plenty of people love what you do.

-Really? -Yeah.

-You think so? -Yeah.

Yeah, mm, no, no.

I'm not sure anyone loves anything anymore.

You know, when I was a kid, I loved everything. Everything.

I was just so grateful that all this stuff existed.

That there were these like magical creative people out

there in the world making TV or movies or whatever, you know?

My first instinct, it wasn't just to shit all over something.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, no, I know, I just,

you know, you're, you're not a kid anymore, okay?

And honestly, you can be pretty critical yourself.

Whoa. Okay.

That's totally different

'cause my opinion comes from an informed place.

- Oh, okay, well, - Mm-hmm.

I don't know, maybe the people

with something positive to say don't feel

the need to broadcast it.

You know, it's, it's the culture.

The negative rises to the top, gets the clicks,

-blah, blah, blah, whatever. -Yeah, I know, I know.

Okay, well, you can't get sucked into it.

I know, but don't you think it's fucked up? What they...

You get to write for a living.

You, you get paid to make up scary stories. Paid real money.

Do you know how rare that is?

I mean, who cares if you never win an Academy Award?

I mean, just do what you do and try to be happy.

What do you mean, who cares if I don't win an Academy Award?

You don't think I'm good enough to win an Academy Award?

Okay.

No, come on, that, mm, that's not what I meant.

You, I meant, look, don't,

don't twist this on me, okay, please?

No, no, no, no. I think I do know what you meant.

I think you meant exactly what you said.

Adam, come on, you're just trying to fight with me.

No, no, no, no. I don't, I don't wanna fight, you know?

It's just, you know, maybe I do care

if I win an Academy Award.

Maybe it matters to me that I'm great.

-You are great. -Okay.

You are, and I love you, and I want the best for you.

And I think I've proven to you over all these years

that I am your biggest supporter, haven't I?

Yeah. Yeah, you have. You're right.

And I'm sorry.

I, I'm just really stressed right now.

Baby, you can't control what people think. Okay?

So if there's no joy in it, what's the point?

Haven't you ever heard of suffering for your art?

Yeah, but you're not suffering.

You're successful.

And any one of those idiots would trade places

with you in a heartbeat.

- Don't you see that? - Yeah, I'm not sure.

- Can we go to sleep, please? - Uh, I don't know.

Please?

-Sleep? -Mm.

I don't think I can sleep right now. Okay?

I think I'm gonna stay up and try to write a little bit.

Okay? Who knows?

Maybe the universe will graciously grant me

some brilliant idea and get me outta this funk.

Okay, well, suit yourself. You suffer,

I'll sleep.

Ooh.

Oh.

Baby.

- Adam, help! - Kate.

- Help! - Kate!

I'm telling you, this was the most visceral dream

I've ever experienced.

I mean, even now, I'm not even totally convinced

that that thing didn't even really happen.

Well, I think I can tell you with certainty

that it didn't, I'm alive.

Okay, well, obviously you didn't get chopped

to bits by some giant-sized baby man.

But I'm just saying, it felt like more

than just, you know, a nightmare.

Felt like, I don't know. I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know either.

This, this was one of those out-of-body experiences

that people talk about.

But not really 'cause I think in those,

you feel like you're, you know, watching it.

You know? I was living this.

Oh, I was definitely living it.

Maybe it's the universe.

-What do you mean? -Last night you told me

maybe the universe would deliver you an idea.

Well, maybe this is it. See, I listen when you talk.

Yeah, no, mm, nah, nah, nah. I don't know, I don't know.

I mean, I'm not exactly sure what I would do

with what, like a slasher flick?

-Yeah. -Gross.

I'm not interested in that.

Why? I, I, I mean, you watch them all the time, right?

And you could elevate it. You could make it your own.

-I could definitely do that. -Mm-hmm.

-I could totally do that. -Mm-hmm.

I mean, it, it, it is a cool character,

design-wise, at least.

And, you know, I've always thought that creating

some kind of a franchise property,

I thought that that would be a good idea.

I mean, the merchandising alone, that could be big,

but it's gotta be smart.

-You know what I mean? -Look, you're excited.

This is good. This is really good.

-Yeah, this is good. -Yeah.

-Yeah. -This is, this is,

this is definitely good.

Okay, well, ten pages minimum.

I believe in you.

All right.

I gotta get the fuck outta here because some of us work

for a living, we don't drink all night.

Oh, don't drink all, okay, you watch, you watch, babe.

I'm gonna have the whole script done

by the time you come back.

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Fuck yeah.

Okay, look, I'm not saying this thing I saw

in my dream actually cut a hole in the bedding,

I'm just saying, it's pretty fucking strange there's a hole

in the bedding exactly where he swung a fucking ax.

I mean, it's not that strange.

-It's not? -I'm sure the hole

was already there, and the dream just freaked you out enough

that you're putting the two things together.

It's a coincidence.

-Yeah. -Was there blood?