Last Man Standing

Why are you making a snack?

We had couscous an hour ago.

Honey, couscous is not a meal.

It's an appetizer with ambition.

It's like the Jeb Bush of food.

That is so funny. You always make me laugh.

What do you want, woman?

I had this idea for our summer vacation.

Well, if it's about going camping in Wyoming,

that's my idea, but you can take credit for it. Okay.

I-I know you're gonna groan when I say this,

but I was thinking we could finally go to Paris.

You are so funny.

You always make me laugh. It's great.

What is so terrible about Paris?

It's in France!

Come on.

I've been asking to go there for years.

And I've been saying "no" for years.

We're on a roll here, hon.

No, no, no. Think about it. Think about it.

Paris in June, and I've been learning French,

so I already know how to say, "You'll have to excuse him.

He's American."

Men are so frustrating.

Oh, honey, I wish I could say that feeling went away.

Mm-hmm.

Kyle and I are having our first real fight.

It's like a reality TV show, but with no music to tell me how to feel.

That does sound like a reality TV show.

That's why I'm totally uninterested.

What, uh, what was the fight about, sweetie?

The wedding.

I told him I really wanted to get married in our church,

and Kyle really wants to get married in his.

He won't give in.

No, Mandy, you have to convince him.

Kristin got married in our church.

It's a... It's a tradition.

The Baxter girls all have their wedding there.

How could it be a tradition if just Kris got married there?

We got married there.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, well, one of you has to convince him because I already tried my best.

I texted him a sad face, a church, a hot-air balloon, and a cactus,

and all I got back was a question mark, so...

You, uh, you need to talk to Kyle.

Why me?

Well, because he'll listen to you.

He'll listen to anybody.

He's like a smiling satellite dish with a ponytail.

Last Man Standing - 05x21 - The Marriage Doctor

Hey, Kyle.

Look, I understand you and Mandy had your first big argument.

You finally have something to talk to a bartender about.

It was awful. Yeah.

It was like being pecked at by a duckling.

You want to love it, but after a while, you're like, "Hey, duckling, come on!"

Okay.

Well, get used to it, because marriage

is just a series of disagreements, you know,

like how many kids to have, where to live,

is 100 bucks too much to spend to keep a dog alive.

I just don't like fighting.

Yeah, nobody does.

Well, I do, but you got to pick your battles.

You know, win the ones you want to win,

and lose the ones that don't cost you that much.

So lose some on purpose?

Exactly.

Vanessa and I are having an argument about where to go on vacation, right?

You know, she wants to go to Europe.

I keep telling her I want to go camping.

Oh, okay. So you're gonna let her win this one.

No. I'm gonna let her lose.

You just got to pick your battles.

Well, I have to pick this one

because I really want to get married in my church.

Why?

Your church used to be a roller rink.

Six days a week, it still is.

It's just your new pastor wants everybody to attend premarital counseling.

What if he doesn't think we should get married?

I wouldn't worry about that.

I don't know the new pastor personally, but Vanessa and I are, um, big donors,

if you know what I'm talking about.

That's great.

It's important to give blood.

The truth is, I don't really know anything about being a husband.

You know, my dad wasn't around when I was growing up,

so I never had a role model.

You know, on the farm, we had a hog who really loved his sow,

but what if reverend Paul doesn't think Gumball is enough?

Sounds interesting.

What are we talking about here?

Well, Kyle's a little worried that the pastor at my church

won't think he has anyone in his life to teach him how to be a good husband,

and his best candidate is a pig.

Well, pigs are intelligent beasts,

which is probably why they do not mate for life.

You can cross Ed off your list.

I would make a great reference.

I've been married 26 years.

But not in a row, and not to the same woman.

Yes, well that's ...that's right.

And I'm battle tested, see?

This one here's spent the last 30 years with his lady,

skipping down the yellow brick road.

Well, you got me there.

Nothing more embarrassing than a successful marriage.

If your pastor wants to know if you have a good role model,

tell him you got the best one in the world... me.

Hey, yeah. That's right.

Yeah.

I mean, you certainly set a better example than Gumball.

Right.

I don't want to be where he ended up.

- No. - He's a farm animal.

They're raised for slaughter.

Oh, no, no.

He became my grandma's pet. Hmm.

She makes him wear pants.

Excuse me.

Hey, Eve.

Your dad said I could borrow this for the move.

Got to take apart a bookshelf, but the only tool I have is a Swiffer.

Okay.

Wow.

I leave myself wide open, and you don't take a shot.

Do you have a fever?

It's my government class.

We have this debate coming up, and my teacher is making us

take the opposite side of our political beliefs,

which means I have to be a... liberal.

It's not a curse word.

Well, it is in this house.

So I've been researching liberal positions.

I Googled "How to talk out of your ass", but that was no help.

By the way, never Google "How to talk out of your ass."

Well, I could help you if you want.

I love the art of stating a thesis and making a cogent argument to support it.

I know. It's the reason Kristin doesn't have dinner parties anymore.

Look, if you really want to prepare, we should have a mock debate.

That's a good idea.

You spew your usual garbage, and I'll mock you.

No, because then you'll never learn how to defend a liberal's point of view.

That's because it has no defense!

Zing!

How's that for a cogent argument?

First sign of a bad argument... the need for the word "zing."

Look, if you want to win,

you got to practice saying what a liberal would say.

Okay.

Hooray for taxes!

Give me free stuff!

White men suck!

You mean like that?

Ooh. Look at these.

The Eiffel Tower, Versailles, and then... and then

we could head on over to the Loire Valley, see some chateaux.

Or we could go to Wyoming and go camping in the Curt Gowdy State Park!

The best of all state parks named after an old sportscaster.

I can't believe you're still being so stubborn about this.

Hey, what can I say? You didn't marry a quitter.

Neither did you.

We have a problem.

Our meeting with the new pastor did not go well.

What do you mean? What happened?

Kyle started saying all this crazy stuff about being a husband.

We talked about this.

Didn't you explain to him I was your role model?

Oh, yeah. I talked about you a lot.

That was the crazy stuff.

Oh, no, no, no.

Nobody should repeat your father's opinions except for your father.

And honestly, even that's getting old.

So here's the deal.

Before he'll allow us to get married in the church,

Reverend Paul needs to meet with you guys

to talk about your relationship. What?!

You know, I'm already starting to miss old Reverend Tisdale.

You give him a bottle of Bushmills, he'll do whatever you want.

So Reverend Paul won't do the wedding because of something you told Kyle?

I want to talk to his supervisor.

Who's got God's number?

Well, what exactly did you tell him?

I said to use us as a role model because we have a solid marriage.

Yeah, and I told him about all that great

win-some, lose-some stuff you taught me

and how Mrs. B is gonna lose the vacation argument.

Really?

That's when he started writing stuff down on a pad.

I'm gonna lose?

I said you also win some arguments.

What else did I say?

Yeah, that's true... when he lets you.

Which, I think, is very generous.

Or, as Reverend Paul put it, "deeply disturbing."

So he needs to meet with you guys tomorrow before he meets with us again.

Come on, Kyle.