Dumb and Dumber To

There he is again.

Almost two decades and he still comes.

So sad.

How you doing, buddy?

Brought you all your favorite candies.

Come on, Lloyd, you gotta get over her!

Mary Samsonite was just a girl.

Besides, she's married.

And even if it had worked out,

would you really want ginger babies? Ugh.

Gross.

Man, you gotta give me something!

Lloyd, I got something important to tell you.

I can't come here anymore.

I got kind of a serious medical problem.

It's sort of complicated.

Basically, I'm gonna be pretty busy for the next few months.

Anyway...

You're in good hands here. So...

Take care, buddy.

Lloyd, did you say something?

I got you.

That's it, kid. You can do it.

Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out!

Got ya!

What?

You should see the look on your face!

I got you so good!

Wait a second!

Are you telling me that you were faking for 20 years?

Uh-huh.

So you mean that you just wasted the best years of your life?

Out the window!

And you let me come here every Wednesday for, like, a thousand weeks,

and it was all just for a gag?

Uh-huh.

That's

awesome! (CHUCKLES)

I know!

You gotta admit, I totally had you suckered, didn't I?

Hook, line and sphincter!

Oh, oh. (GROANS) On! Oh, oh. Oh.

Legs are a little rubbery after all that time sitting here.

Why don't you roll me inside?

We'll get the nurse to take the catheter out of me. Oh.

I wanna see if my lizard's still spitting straight.

We don't need nurses for that. I know how to do it.

But don't you have to...

Oh, God!

That thing's really taken root!

Hey, fellas!

Give me a hand over here. Si.

Yankos los pee-pee.

Are you sure about this, Har?

Usually, doctors like to do this sort of thing.

Oh, that's just for insurance purposes.

On three. Three!

(YELLING)

You are a fricking genius, Lloyd!

I mean, nobody else could have pulled that off!

Eh! Nobody!

I mean, the shock treatments, the partial lobotomy!

That's commitment! Yeah.

It broke up the monotony.

One thing I don't get, though.

Why did you play it out for 20 whole years?

Because it wouldn't have been funny if I stopped too soon.

Comedy is all about timing, Har.

Yeah, but wouldn't it still have been funny if you quit after 10 years?

Oh, definitely. But not as!

Whoa!

Pretty bird.

Crap on toast! Pretty bird.

Is that grown-up Billy in 4-C? Uh-huh.

Come on, Siskel, give me a movie quote.

What did they say in Jerry Maguire?

"You had me at hello."

Um, Titanic?

"I'm king of the world."

Good job!

We better tiptoe past him.

Oh, no, you can't tiptoe past a blindy.

Their hearing's too good.

What? Mmm-hmm.

That's just an old wives' tale.

Like women shouldn't smoke during pregnancy.

I turned out fine. My mom smoked like a chimney.

Especially when she was drinking!

Whatever. Doesn't matter.

Billy's over the whole Petey thing.

You should see his apartment.

He's got the best rare bird collection in Rhody!

I gotta see this.

Hey, Billy!

I hear you got a lot of flocking birds.

Is that you, Lloyd? (CHUCKLES)

Very good.

I didn't think you'd recognize me after all these years.

So what have you been up to, buddy boy?

Seen any good movies lately?

I mean, you know, like... On the radio?

What was that? (SQUAWKING)

Did you just feed them something?

Relax.

It's just a little candy.

You can't feed candy to birds!

Their stomachs will explode!

Even if it's just a few Pop Rocks?

Are you crazy? Pick those up!

Pick them up! All right, all right!

Sheesh.

Well, nice catching up.

See you later.

Not if I see you first!

Ha-ha! Good one!

No, no, no, it's okay, Siskel.

Daddy's not gonna let him get anywhere near you.

Booga! (SCREAMING)

See? I told you that hearing thing

was a wives' tale. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, yeah!

Hey, who's this? Ah.

That's Butthole.

I found him out in the alley a couple years ago.

Why did you name him Butthole? Oh.

Because of this.

Oh, yeah. Good name.

Totally fits.

I like what you've done with the place.

Nice cappuccino machine.

Who's the astronaut?

Oh, that's my roommate.

Roommate?

You got a new roommate?

I had to get somebody to pay your half of the rent

while you were in the hospital.

How's it going, Ice Pick?

Best day ever. Greatest day of my life, really.

Pick cooks up a rock candy

that will make you dizzy.

Folks come from all over the city to buy it.

It's burning my eyes.

Must be Cajun style.

So what's this serious medical problem you've been blabbing about?

And it better be good.

Lloyd, there's something...

I've known about this for a while,

but I didn't wanna worry you.

Mmm-hmm? (SIGHS)

I need a kidney transplant.

No way! Really?

Wow.

So what do you wanna do for dinner tonight?

Wanna hit Haven Brothers?

I could eat the mud-hole out of a dead skunk! (SNICKERING)

Are you not listening to me, Lloyd?

Getting a new kidney is a really big deal.

There's waiting lists, lots and lots of forms to fill out,

and if I can't find another kidney real soon, I'm dead meat.

Yeah, well,

maybe, just maybe,

there's a person out there who cares about you so much

that said person would be willing

to give up a little piece of himself to save your life.

Really, Lloyd? You'd do that?

Me? (LAUGHING) Yeah, right! Nice try!

The nerve! Oh.

I mean, I would, in a New York heartbeat.

I'm just not a urine match.

My wizz doesn't get all sudsy like yours.

Ow.

Wait. Don't panic. (YOWLING)

I know exactly what we gotta do.

I don't know about this, Lloyd.

I haven't been home in over 20 years.

Come on, Harry!

You need a genital organ match.

They're your parents.

I'm not gonna go crawling back to them, Lloyd.

Not after what they did to me.

What did they do?

They threw me out of the house.

Why? Just because I told them I was gay.

Why did you tell them that?

I was sick of mowing the lawn.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I don't see what choice you have.

You either go home and face the music

or you suffocate in your own pee.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Okay, let's do this.

All right. Hop on.

Engage super thrusters!

Don't, Lloyd!

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTING)

Pardon me, Harry.

Here we are.

Place looks smaller than I remember.

Oh, yeah.