Siblings

God, I can't believe Jack's getting married! I'm so excited.

Look, my hands are shaking.

Hannah? Hannah?

Stop it. Why'd you make us get here so early?

I hate being the first person to arrive, it's pathetic.

I didn't want to be late.

One of my best friends is tying the knot - this is a big day for me.

I even made my own confetti out of loo roll.

I'm pretty sure the invite didn't say "bring your own gross confetti".

I was so pumped last night I couldn't get to sleep,

figured I might as well do something useful.

I can't believe you buy into this whole matrimony shtick.

- I mean, weddings are dumb. - What? You don't like weddings?

Next, you're going to be saying you don't like pictures of dogs with sunglasses,

because they're "too hilarious"?

Weddings are just archaic bullshit parades, Dan.

I'm not into them for the same reason

I don't die from minor infections - it's not 1853.

Why did you even agree to be my plus-one, then?

I'm not going to turn down a free meal, am I?

Besides, let's check out this fucking fancy pants mansion.

It's like something from a Jane Austen wet dream.

How the hell can Jack afford to hire this place?

Isn't he like, a dodgy estate agent or something?

Yeah, he is, but this belongs to the girl he's going to marry.

- Seriously? - Apparently, she's super posh.

Technically, her family still owns quite a lot of India.

No shit?

How long till this thing starts, then?

- I don't know, like three hours? - Three hours?!

At least that gives me plenty of snooping time.

Look, Hannah - I love a snoop as much as next guy -

I'm the Snoopmaster General.

But today is a massive day, so maybe we should, you know...

like, try not to fuck around?

Relax, Dan. I just want to take a peek behind the curtain -

see how these Downton wannabes really live.

Who knows, maybe I'll find a chunk of ivory lying around?

Yeah, that'd be great!

Sheriff, how do you do this again?

It looks like someone tried to fucking choke me,

got bored halfway through. - KNOCKS AT DOOR

Open up, it's the cops! You're both under arrest for...

baby arson! - LAUGHTER

Look who it is!

Danny boy!

Don't worry, there are no police. I was just doing a low voice.

Sorry, I'm super early, I hope that's cool.

- Course, mate! It's good to see you! - We missed you on the stag do, Danny.

Seriously, Thailand is such a beautiful country -

and not just the sex workers, like the actual scenery and stuff, too.

I can't believe they didn't let me travel

just because I didn't have a passport.

I showed them my Boots Advantage Card and everything.

Mate, it was fucking brilliant.

George and Winzor tried to get hold of these special Asian poppers -

got into a ruck with the dealer

and now they're only fucking stuck in a Bangkok prison!

Yeah, yeah, yeah - the dude at the embassy says

there's like a 30% chance they'll get the death penalty!

- LAUGHTER - Classic stag!

Ophelia, where are you running off to? Come here a sec...

Jacky, no - it's bad luck for us to see each other before the wedding.

Don't be daft, babe, that's bollocks.

There's someone I want you to meet.

Ophelia, this is Dan. Danny, this is Ophelia - my future missus.

Hi, Jack's told me a lot about you. Is it true you once tried

to eat a whole bag of polystyrene peanuts as a dare?

I had to have my stomach pumped three and a half times -

they said it was a hospital record. - Legend of the Dan!

Jack, Jack, Jack, tell him how you two met.

She was looking for a flat, so I gave her a viewing -

by the time we got into the kitchen,

we couldn't keep our paws off each other.

Honestly, the shit we did in there -

we must have knocked ten grand off the asking price.

I'm not sure how I feel about you telling people

that our relationship started with us shagging on a breakfast nook.

It's a sweet story! We'll be telling our grandkids that one day.

You better wait until they're 18 - I've still got a hard-on from the last time I heard it.

Right, babe, we'll get out of your hair, let you get ready.

OK, bye. Ooh!

Let's give Danny a tour of the grounds.

I can show you the room where her great-granddad

used to play charades with Kaiser Wilhelm.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Well, hello - looks like Little Miss Snoopy just hit the jackpot.

Wow...

- May I help you? - I'm just here for the wedding.

I thought I'd check out this sweet ride while I waited for it to start.

- Do you know whose it is? - It's a wedding present for my daughter.

Fucking hell, you got her a Mercedes?

I thought I was spoilt when my dad got Daniel Radcliffe

to come to my 12th birthday party.

I mean, it turned out he just hired a lookalike.

This guy was almost 35, but he had this weird hormone disease

that made him look super young.

As much as I'd love to continue with this blistering conversation,

perhaps you wouldn't mind heading back to the house. - Oh, yeah, sure.

Actually, could you get a pic of me behind the wheel?

- I'm sorry? - I'll whack it up on Instagram,

pretend I've got cast in a Bond film or something.

Oh, God - where is my phone?

Can you maybe ring me and then I...

Will you please get the hell out of my daughter's car? Now!

Whoa, chill out!

I thought this was supposed to be a special day.

Excuse me for trying to capture a memory.

Next stop on the tour, ladies and gentleman, is the hunting lodge.

Mate, you have seriously come up trumps with this girl -

it's like she was born with a silver spoon

sticking out of every fucking orifice.

You know what, I'd love her even if she lived in an old pizza box.

Honestly, I've never known anything like it.

Before I met Ophelia, the most serious relationship I'd ever had

was with the Japanese sex doll Sheriff got me for my 18th.

I'm so happy for you, Jack.

Oi, Danny, Danny, come here a sec...

What are you doing?

I'm going to try and shoot it off...

- LAUGHTER - Oh, fucking brilliant!

What, really? What if you miss?

This is my only suit, I don't really want to get any blood on it...

Mate, mate, don't worry about it, I've got a wicked aim.

We went on a hunt last week, I nearly shot a grouse.

Come on, Danny boy - it's my wedding day. Think of it as my present.

I mean, I got you an egg poacher off the wedding list...

OK.

Ready, lads? Ready. Three...

two...

Oh, shit!

Did you shoot me? Am I dead?

I think I've got another fucking kidney stone.

What, again? I told you, you've got to drink loads of water.

And I told you, I'm not a fucking horse...

Aargh! Seriously, mate,

I'm going to have to get down fucking A & E, quick-sharpish...

You can't leave!

I've already lost two of my groomsmen to the Thai penal system.

I can't lose my best man as well!

- Jack, I'll do it. - What?

I'll take over from Sheriff. I know how much this day means to you.

I'd do anything to help.

You're like a little big brother to me.

- You'd be my best man? - Hell, yeah.

And I promise you, I'm going to make the best best man

that ever best manned in the history of man.

This is really lovely and that, lads -

but I'm about to piss out an angry pebble here.

Can I get a little help?

Ooh.

Could I maybe borrow one of those?

I don't see why not.

I don't normally smoke, but I've got this rule that I'm allowed to

whenever I'm more than 20 miles from home.

And on weekends and weeknights.

- So, you're here for the wedding, then? - Unfortunately.

My sister's the lucky lady taking the plunge.

Oh, shit. I think I just met your dad.

No offence, but he's kind of a dick -

he read me the riot act just for trying to take a picture.

That sounds like Charles - he's quite the killjoy.

He's been in a foul mood since he got thrown off his horse.

Rest assured, the beast was dealt with.

- What? - Sorry, it's just your face looks really familiar.

Did you use to teach a hot yoga workshop at the YMCA?

Believe me, I have never set foot in a YMCA.

Hello, missy. You're not ready yet?

What's the matter? The girl's not getting cold feet, is she?

No, Sebastian, the girl is not...

I just wanted to find you...

and tell you that your Bristol pals called to say they'll be late.

Did you go to Bristol? Me too! I definitely recognise you.

- Is this a friend of yours, Sebby? - Oh, no. She's one of the caterers.

What the hell? I'm not a caterer?!

I just thought, because of your dress...

Excuse me?!

I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse my brother - he can be a tad tactless.

Please enjoy the day. Come on, Seb.

God!

Best man, nice to meet you.

I'm the best man. Nice to meet you. I'm the best man.

Uncle James!

Hannah, great news -

- Sheriff's at hospital. - What did you do? - Nothing.

He had a hernia or something, so he had to go to A & E -

and Jack made me his best man!

Well, your first job should be to tell him he's making a big mistake.

Sorry, Hannah, I have my hands full with best man shit right now -

I do not have time for more anti-marriage stuff.

No, seriously - he's getting himself tied up

with a bunch of sour, posho twats.

Firstly, the dad tells me off,

like I'm some naughty Jack Russell or something.

- And then the brother verbally assaulted me. - Oh, my God, really?

He called me a caterer, but that's still a dick-move, right?

I mean, he didn't even apologise for embarrassing me.

Shit...

I just remembered where I know Sebastian from.

- He was in The Dionysus Club. - What are you talking about?