Inside Amy Schumer

Yeah, I'd love a noon facial with David.

Okay, is Lisa P. available? Manicure, pedicure?

No, it has to be Lisa P.

I'll take any appointment available.

Oh, yeah, Lisa M. is fine.

No, I will not see Philippe.

Phillippe hurt me once and I think I complained about that.

Kegels?

Hmm...

Disgusting.

What are you guys talking about?

Yeah, hi.

I can't come in today.

Well, then I quit.

Do you wax?

Okay... how's the asshole reshaping?

Should I get a diamond or a heart?

A four-leaf clover.

I need all the luck I can get.

Shit.

Oh, hi! I thought you were coming later.

Do you want to have sex with me? I do.

Ugh...

Oh.

Come on, bitch.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, so you get off holidays?

Nothing's changed, everything is exactly the same.

I get acupuncture now.

That's a fancy, like, richer person thing, right?

Thank you. She goes, "nice."

I know, right? Acupuncture.

I go to a nicer waxing place.

A place where they, like, change the paper.

I'm like, whoa!

Am I the duchess of Deutschland?

Like, how...

There's, like, no blood on the paper.

I'm like, whoa, what do I owe this...

Make an acceptance speech.

Acupuncture, waxing.

Just like paying for more Asian people to hurt me.

That's what happens.

That's what happens with money.

Welcome to "Who's More Over Their Ex?"

The game show where two contestants compete to prove

they're doing totally fine.

Let's meet our players, Amy and Julian.

Come on out, guys.

Welcome to the show. No.

Amy, tell us about your relationship.

Oh, well, actually Aiden and I aren't broken up-broken up.

We're just kind of on hiatus because he made out with

somebody at a party in front of me, and I totally overreacted.

I tried to apologize, but it was too late.

I already made things super weird.

Pathetic. Julian.

Oh... story's a little different.

I was about to propose to Maggie.

Who wouldn't, right?

And then she, uh, decided to move to San Francisco.

But it's cool.

I have my own things going on, you know what I mean?

I developed this new social networking app.

It's called Klooper.

And you'll be hearing about it.

No, I won't. Let's play!

Contestants, you will now receive a phone call from your ex.

Whoever holds out the longest without picking up plays first.

He looks like Aiden.

Not even remotely.

Remember, all you have to do is nothing.

You just have to have an ounce of dignity.

Hey, are you in town or--

You fool, it was me.

Is she-- Is she with you?

No, she's not with me, she's in San Francisco

having the time of her life.

You're with me in this room.

Amy, you've got control of the board.

Hit that button to select your challenge.

"Mutual Friend!"

Okay, Amy, your challenge is

to have a conversation with a mutual friend of Aiden's

and not ask about him.

Let's bring out your friend Melanie.

Hey, Mel. - Hey.

What's up?

Nothing... hung over. - Ugh.

What'd you get into last night?

Oh, popcorn at home. You?

Some party in Greenpoint.

Did you go with Kelly or...

Yeah.

Was Aiden there?

Yeah. - Okay, what was his vibe like?

Like, did he seem sad or-- - Disappointing.

All right, Julian, you've got control.

Hit that button.

"Change Your Status!"

Okay, Julian, your challenge is simply to change

your online relationship status.

Okay, piece of cake.

No problem.

We're just gonna change that to

"It's Complicated."

Hear me out. - Nothing complicated about it.

You are alone, Julian. Amy, hit that button.

"No Excuses!" All right, Amy,

your challenge is to hear a piece of information

that could be used as an excuse to reach out to your ex

and not act on it.

Oh. Not a problem.

It shouldn't be, but here we are.

"There was a fire four blocks and two avenues away

from Aiden's house yesterday."

The thing with this particular one is that he walks to work

that way sometimes, so I feel like

I should probably just step out and call him

and make sure he's okay.

Actually, you know he's okay because

he was at that party in Greenpoint.

You really need to pull yourself together,

you're embarrassing yourself on television.

All right, it's time to play the final round.

Contestants, please step into the nostalgia chamber.

Your challenge is to hear the song

"I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt

and not cry or eat carrot cake-- are you ready?

Uh, can we do a different song?

No.

Play the song.

Julian's crying and eating cake.

Amy, that makes you our winner! Step on out of there!

Congratulations, your prize is Aiden.

You win your ex back, Amy.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Baby, I missed you so much!

Ooh, sorry, Amy, but that was your final test.

You're not over your ex.

What? - Tough break.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Julian, you don't win either.

Nobody wins. There's no way to win this game.

Well, that's all the time we have.

Tina, if you're watching, give me a call anytime.

Fuck you, I love you-- this is all for you!

They're just like us.

Olivia Munn's cute.

She's pretty. Don't you think she's pretty?

Yeah, she's cute.

Yeah.

Channing Tatum has a new movie coming out.

He's so hot. You think he's hot?

I wouldn't know.

Seriously?

You think it makes you gay to acknowledge that a guy's hot?

I-- I can't tell, I like girls, all right?

Yeah, but come on, you can just admit that.

Can we just drop it?

Fine.

But I mean, you see no difference between, like,

Eugene Levy and Channing Tatum?

Nope.

If they both needed mouth-to-mouth, you don't think

it would be grosser to give it to Levy?

It would be equally gross.

You're lying.

Okay, okay, you're asleep,

and you wake up to what you think is me going down on you

but then you look next to you, and I'm laying in the bed.

And then I say, "Eugene Levy is on your penis right now."

but then you look down, and it's actually Channing Tatum.

Wouldn't you be, like, slightly relieved and, like, finish?

No.

But you thought it was me up until the very end.

Okay, stop making me think about this, all right?

Oh, my God, you're so homophobic.

Imagining a hot guy's mouth around your junk

doesn't all of a sudden make you not straight.

Okay.

You're in jail, okay?

And these guys have you surrounded in the shower,

and there's no way out of it.

You've already just given over to the fact that you are

definitely about to take it right in the butthole.

Oh, my God. - All right?

Okay, can we please just not talk about it.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're being silly about something so meaningless.

Just listen, you're in jail.

Okay, so you're surrounded, okay?

But they give you a choice who you're gonna get it from.

Four of the guys are Eugene Levy,

and they haven't showered in weeks.

But then there's Channing.

Beautiful, perfectly chiseled, great at dancing, Channing.

He's fresh out of the shower,

and his hair looks professionally done,

but you know it just fell like that.