Playing House

What do you want to do with all your stuff from China?

I don't know. Maybe we could put this guy in the nursery.

Okay, no way.

This means good luck in Shanghai.

I don't care. It's gonna give my baby nightmares.

All right. No, don't worry.

I'm gonna put most of this stuff in storage.

Oh, except this jammer.

Oh, man.

Have you ever seen a more beautifully cut blazer in your entire life?

Wow, get up close like Project Runway.

This was personally made for me

by a woman at the Xiangyang Road Market

who literally had not a tooth.

Well, those are the ones who are best with their fingers.

You know what? She secretly shadowed me every day for two months

just to see how I would use it,

then she tailor fit it to me

the way they made the old samurai swords.

Oh, like Hattori Hanzo in Kill Bill.

Oh, absolutely.

I used to wear this for my most important business negotiations.

It never failed.

You know what else never failed.

Ooh, Emma, it's been quite a while.

No, no, no. I don't want to see Bosephus.

Say my name again, honey.

It feels good in your lips.

You know what?

This was funny in college, but it is not funny anymore.

What do you mean?

This is the best thing I ever won at a state fair.

It is not for adult time, so let's put it away.

Hey, you never know when you're gonna need ol' Bosephus to save the day.

No, I don't need him ever to save the day.

Don't you touch me.

Why?

You know Bosephus loves you like a father.

Ew!

With the belly it's 1,000 times worse!

Come here and lemme grab them crawdads.

Gonna get you, girl!

Ahh!

Gonna get you, girl!

What is wrong with you? - Gotcha, girl!

Get away from me!

Oh, man. - What?

Oh, it's the notice for mandatory counseling with Bruce.

When is he just gonna let it go?

God, I just wish this whole thing

would be over with, you know?

Yeah. - Go away.

You want me to make him disappear?

'Cause I know a couple guys.

I know people in Shanghai that do things.

Good afternoon, ladies.

Whoo!

Zoo, look at you!

Zach, I don't often say this,

but you look very handsome.

Well, thank you very much.

Everything on my person

is from the Banana Republic mad men collection.

Why the fancy duds, don draper?

I think of myself more as a male Joan.

Uh-huh. That makes sense.

And if you must know, I have a date tonight.

You have a what?

I have a date tonight.

No, you don't. - Yes, I do.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't tell you because I knew

that you get all up in my business.

Hey, you want to shut your mouth for a second?

I don't do that. Do I do that?

Look, the real reason I didn't tell you

is because I didn't want to break Emma's heart,

and I'm sorry that you had to find out this way,

but I am now a taken man.

Okay, you will never have this. - Okay.

Part of my heart will always pump for you,

but this will never pump for you.

Well, you know what? I will try and get through it.

I need to know who this woman is.

I want her name. I want her deets.

I want her stats.

See? You sound like the KGB.

Her name is Cecilia,

and we have been dating for the past three months.

Three months?

Why haven't I met her yet?

Well, even I haven't met her yet, okay?

We're engaging in an old-fashioned online courtship.

What website did you guys meet on? "Okstupid"?

Nailed it.

No, that's a terrible name.

It's "Luv At First Type."

Type?

Do you know where I can find

dad's vintage electric shoe polishing kit?

I think it's in the hall closet.

Thank you, Mr. Draper.

What? Excu...

Am I don? - Yes.

Mags, am I a don?

I don't like this.

You need to relax. - I don't like it.

He's trying to live his life as a grown man, okay?

Let him live.

This is how kids meet these days, okay, grandma?

You don't need to talk to me about how people meet online.

It's why I'm getting a divorce.

Okay, can you let it be, please?

He will be just fine, all right?

Now, listen, I got to go to the storage unit.

And I got to call and schedule

this counseling session with stupid Bruce.

Just tell her Bruce is a pile of garbage.

That should speed things up.

All right.

Wait, what was that? What was that?

There's somebody in here!

Sir! Sir!

You will not violate me!

I will go full Thelma and Louise on your ass!

I will shoot you in the penis, sir!

Emma. Emma, it's me. It's Bruce.

It's Bruce. It's okay.

It's just Bruce. - Bruce!

What are you doing in your underwear

in a storage unit, man?

I'm doing the hot yoga.

I'm doing the hot yoga, you know?

Oh, my God.

Are you squatting in here?

Oh, come on. Am I squatting...

Yeah, I'm...

Just for a few days.

Please don't say anything to Maggie.

Oh, my God, Bruce. Buddy, we need to talk.

You're right.

Where are my manners?

Can I get you a grilled cheese sandwich?

Here, I'm gonna fire up the iron for you.

No, no, no. Please, please. Gross.

We're gonna go get some real food.

Come on.

All right, slow down, Bruce.

This isn't the Great Depression.

How long has it been since you've had a meal?

I had some pigs-in-a-blanket around 11:30?

So, like, two hours? - Mm.

What is going on with you, man?

Why aren't you staying with your mom?

She disowned me once I cheated on Maggie,

but, you know, we're going to couple's counseling,

so we're gonna patch things up, and then I'll move back in.

Oh, my God, Bruce. Could you just please let it go!

I hear you, but to tell you the truth,

I'll probably never let it go.

All right, tell you what, Bruce.

I will help you find a place to live.

Really? - Yep.

But if I agree to do this,

you have to drop the couple's counseling with Maggie.

Oh, that's a deal breaker for me.

I'll throw in dessert.

Okay, I'll do it. - Deal.

How about $500 too?

What? No. - Just asking.

Hey, why not ask, you know?

Mm-mm.

No, girl. - Oh, hey, Mags.

Oh, hey! Hey, you.

What's, uh, crappenin'?

Why are you acting so weird? - What do you mean?

What were you looking at on that old comput-adora?

Just, you know, nothing. Bunch of porn.

Yeah? - Porn for women.

Oh. - Story-driven porn.

I don't believe you.

I don't think you're gonna look at that right now.

What are you looking at? I need to see what you...

It's nasty lady porn.

Were looking at. - No, ma'am.

It's the baby. You're hurting the baby!

Oh, don't pull that... - You're hurting the baby!

Let me see!

Is this Zach's online dating account?

Maybe a little bit.

Maggie, you cannot be snooping around

in your brother's business.

Well, then, he shouldn't have

his password for everything be "tornado12345."

Can you just look at something?

I think I found something.

That's Cecilia.

Wait, that's the girl he's dating?

And look at this.

Every single photo looks like