Hogan's Heroes

CBS presents this program in color.

So, this is the refinery at Stuttheim, huh?

Yeah, we were shot down short of there, Colonel.

We crashed about here.

Once you get through,

one plane could blow up the whole place.

Yeah, but nobody gets through.

Yeah, three rings of ack-ack, and Messerschmitts all over.

Yeah, making it rough, all right.

Guard coming, Colonel.

It's Schultz.

All right, keep working.

But won't he spot us, Colonel?

Schultz? Anything's possible.

LeBEAU: Okay, Colonel...

Hi. Hi.

LeBEAU: Try this coat on for size.

Oh, disregard me.

I'm not here.

And waist, 32.

Oh, excuse me, please.

Oh, please, Colonel Hogan,

I am not here.

Have you ever heard, Schultz,

of a man's home being his castle?

What am I doing?

It's a rotten war, Schultzy.

The only thing that keeps us going

is the beautiful

human beings that we meet along the way.

Now, don't spoil all that by spying.

Spying-- me?!

Don't be too tough on him, men.

Klink just had a meeting of the guards, right, Schultz?

You're right.

But, uh, I'm pleased to announce

that everything here is in order.

By my count, all are present.

Even two over.

Good.

Colonel Hogan.

Two over!

Who, who are those two men?

Your side shot them down, Schultz.

Colonel Hogan, they're prisoners.

They have not been processed in!

Only because they're going right out again.

Ah, this is an escape route.

Please, Colonel Hogan, I insist! I must...

You really want to know what this is, Schultz?

No! But...

This is a refinery at Stuttheim.

You know how many B-17s have been shot down

trying to take out that refinery?

Colonel Hogan... 62.

You know what that represents in dollars

to the American taxpayer?

But Colonel Hogan... Do you realize

what it costs each one of us

here at Stalag 13

to process these men through here,

send them back to England

just so you can shoot them down again?

Colonel Hogan, I know nothing about the refinery.

I don't care about the refinery.

I ride a bicycle.

I would even blow up the refinery myself,

but I must insist

that those two men

are reported. That's it.

Wha-wha-wha-wha, wha-wha-wha-wha, what's it?

You've just given me

the whole operation--

have the Germans blow up their own refinery.

Please, I know nothing about it!

I only know that these two men must be reported!

All right, Schultz,

have it your way.

But when that refinery is blown up

and it comes out to have been your idea...

Colonel Hogan to see you, Herr Kommandant.

Please, I'm much too busy to see Hogan.

Just wanted to say congratulations, Commandant,

and no one deserves it more.

And that's from the heart, sir.

Well, thank you, but, but...

Hasn't even put them on yet.

How characteristic of the man, Fraulein Hilda.

Put what on?

Same modest, self- effacing man he was

before he made general.

General? What makes you think that I've made general?

You haven't?

Well, I just assumed when I heard

that Lingenfelder of Stalag 16 was promoted.

Lingenfelder, a general?!

When I was a colonel, he was a sergeant!

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

My record is far superior.

Now, from his stalag, they fly away like pigeons.

From here, not one escape.

It's probably that experimental work he's doing.

It's the flashy kind of thing that looks good in Berlin.

What experiment? What kind of experiment?

Well, I believe he measured the prisoners' thumbs,

the idea being to prove

the German soldiers had longer thumbs.

Oh. What would that prove?

I don't really know.

To think that they would overlook my record

to promote a, a thumb measurer.

Well, let's talk about something else.

What? Why should I want to talk to you about anything?

I don't blame you for being down, Commandant,

about the Lingenfelder matter.

And, of course, you being a Luftwaffe man,

you probably feel terrible about what's happening.

What is happening?

Well, the pasting they're taking.

And funny thing, too.

Yes? Why do you find it so funny?

Well, from what I've seen of the Allied fliers in camp,

the Luftwaffe men seem superior.

Well, of course they're superior.

Well, if that'll be all, sir?

Hogan, wait, wait.

Fraulein Helga, come in here, please.

Take a memorandum.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

By George, this sounds important.

All right, now,

by scientific testing,

I propose to establish once and for all

the man-to-man superiority of the Luftwaffe

over the Allied fliers.

What a fantastic idea!

How'd you ever think of that?

I don't know, Hogan.

It just came to me.

Fantastic, sir, fantastic.

Yes, Hogan, it is.

Of course, I have had every cooperation from Berlin.

As a matter of fact,

: rumor has it that I'm being thought of

as one of the Luftwaffe's bright young men.

Oh, I can see that; they naturally would.

Berlin is sending a bomber crew for the project.

They're even sending a general.

You know, I might venture to assume, sir,

that the name Klink is being bandied about

the dinner table at Berchtesgaden.

Oh, oh, please, I'm sure the Fuhrer is much too busy.

That's right.

Single-handed, he runs the whole Russian front,

the Italians give him such a headache,

and North Africa is nothing but bad news.

And the Allied bombers-- they are...

Schultz! Are you through?!

Boy, am I through.

Now, here, Hogan, is another example of German ingenuity.

A replica of the controls of a Heikel bomber.

Now, the pilot moves the controls.

He can go up, down or to the side.

But, Colonel, Klink, this is a German instrument panel.

It's an unfair test.

Naturally, the German pilots are going to look better.

Naturally.

You mean...

The aim of a research project, my dear Hogan,

is not to discover new facts.

We already know the Luftwaffe personnel are superior.

Here, we are merely furnishing scientific proof.

But surely, we'll have a chance to get acquainted with this.

When you take the test, there'll be plenty of time.

You know, every time I come face-to-face

with this cruel German cunning,

I always wonder why my side is winning.

Psst.

Hey, Schultz.

Step aside a second, will you?

Of course.

Thanks. I got it.

You can move back now.

Danke.

Look it over, Lieutenant.

This is going to be your home for the next 12 hours.

Well, I don't know, Colonel.

I think I can learn enough to fly it to England,

but to bomb Stuttheim first...

Look at it this way.

I think there's a captaincy in it for you.

Kinch.

Oh, right here, Colonel.

Lieutenant Hardy here is going to be with you

for a crash course in German radio.

Instruments, transmission,

recognition signals-- everything.

Will do.

And don't keep him too long.

He's also got to study the navigation instruments