דיין: המשפחה הראשונה

Previously on this documentary...

Colin Robinson is dying.

I will be returning to England

to assume a position on the

Supreme Vampiric Council.

Will you do me the honor of accompanying me on my journey

around the world?

Make sure you look after my wife. What? Aah! No!

There are, it seems, others in our world

whose existence is even more terrifying

and mysterious than our own.

Shit.

Josh and Elana wanted an open concept,

so we suggested taking down

the wall dividing the kitchen and dining room

and using a terra-cotta backsplash to unify the space...

Terra-cotta backsplash would make a great accent.

What he hasn't mentioned is that that's a load-bearing wall.

...this was a low-bearing wall...

Oh, I've spoken too soon.

Apologies to you, Bran.

What the... Ah.

Hello there. Long time no see.

Come on in, but keep it down. Okay.

I've found that this is the only thing

that'll lull him to sleep.

Since Nadja and Nandor departed, it's been just me and the lad.

I don't want to call him Colin Robinson,

even though he did crawl out of

the chest cavity of the deceased Colin Robinson.

He really is his own little man,

and I'd like to keep it that way.

So, I just call him boy.

He's been growing at a remarkable rate,

and he's a wild little creature,

full of mischief and surprises.

Shit. There we are. Good boy.

And not a bit the boring, energy-draining Colin Robinson

from whence he came.

He's a good little helper.

Boy, I'm gonna need one nail.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah. All right.

Helping me maintain this house.

One.

Which, I'm sure you've noticed,

has seen better days.

He's given me a sense of purpose.

And under my tutelage, with exposure to woodcraft,

scintillating conversation...

Good work, boy. ...high culture...

En garde. ...and, of course, swordsmanship...

Ha. Shit.

Ah, you're getting better.

...I think I can mold

this blank canvas of a boy

into the most interesting adult there has ever been.

Oh, no.

It's those bastards from the gas company.

Yes, there's a gas leak.

Yes, I need to do something about it.

Yes, if you turn up again, I'm gonna kill you.

All right, all right.

All these wooden boxes and shit have been arriving

for my wife for weeks.

I do mean to send them on to London,

but I've been too busy murdering these gas employees

that they insist on sending round.

Guess who.

Where the hell did you come from?

Well, I had a little help.

Surprise! My darling!

Oh, my love. Every day of your absence

Oh, I've missed you so much. Has felt like a decade.

Every decade, a century. Let's fuck.

These guys are still alive?

Yeah, yeah, doesn't matter.

Don't you want to know why I've returned from London?

Yeah, you can tell me later. It'll wait.

My work with the Worldwide Supreme Vampiric Council was

so challenging but also fulfilling, you know?

Yeah. And... and I gave it all up.

I had to,

because I missed you so much.

My wide lover. Your wise mov...

You are a naughty bloody boy.

You were supposed to come with me to London,

but you just packed me up and shipped me off.

My darling, I had to look after the boy.

I wrote to you. Yes, yes,

about creature that crawled out of the cavity of

dead Colin Robinson's chest. I understand, I guess.

Speak of the devil.

Hello. Is that you, little one?

Mommy's home. That's not him.

Are you sure?

Yes, that's a raccoon, my darling.

They've taken residence in the library.

Oh. The boy himself is upstairs, asleep.

Well, perfect, then.

Yeah. I want to peel you like a potato

and mash your insides.

Come on. Okay.

Watch your step, my darling.

The water damage has ruined the wood.

Not this wood.

Shit, I almost forgot.

Before we go upstairs,

I have a little surprise for you.

It'll wait.

Come on!

Wassup...!

Uh, it is a saying from the olden days

that I learned on my travels.

I don't know what it means,

but I like how it sounds.

Yeah, well, it's a great story.

Thank you. But, uh,

darling, "why haven't we finished fucking?",

you might ask yourself.

Well, the answer is

it's 'cause we haven't managed to start yet.

Do excuse us. Laszlo.

I know you're not a sentimental fellow,

and neither am I,

but I have missed you. Aw.

And it feels really good to be back in the house!

Shit. Fucking hell.

Is he dead? Huh? I'm okay!

No? I'm okay.

There's a very strong smell of gas leak down here.

Could someone throw me down a lit candle,

and I can find my way out?

My eat, prey, love journey?

Where to begin?

As fate would have it, I got as far as...

Fresno, I think it is called.

I met a very plump family on the train

from Wisconsin.

I planned to drain them,

but they were quite endearing.

They had a very particular way of speaking,

It was like, um...

"Oh, hey there, Nandor.

"You want to come see the Packers pound

the frozen tundra of the Lambeau Field?"

Something like that.

The love and the affection that this family had for each other,

it made me miss my own family.

I grew homesick, not for Staten Island

but my real home in Al Qolnidar.

So I booked passage on a container ship

to...

I kind of get the idea

that you guys aren't really listening to what I'm saying.

We're listening. Yeah, I mean,

I'm capable of doing two things at once.

Faster. Go on.

Something about a container ship.

Mm-hmm. Anyway, so,

I hitched a ride on a ship,

and after I'd drained all of the crew,

we ran into a little delay.

A traffic jam on one of

the most important waterways in the world.

The Suez Canal was blocked on Tuesday

when a very large container carrier got s...

Finally, I found my way back to Al Qolnidar.

My h...

Oh, wow.

Look at you. Hello, darling.

That was the baby Colin Robinson, I assume?

No. That came from the body of Colin Robinson,

but is something completely different entirely.

Is it boring like Colin Robinson?

Well, now that is an excellent question. Thank you.

One that I have been vigorously applying

my scientific method to for the past two months.

My work began with experiments in isolation.

I dabbled in phrenology.

Disappointed. Shocked.

Happy. Puzzled.

Fortifying good judgment.

Important literature or colorful shit.

Um... Make your choice.

No!

And, of course, electroshock therapy.

Again.

I subjected him to all manner of boring imagery.

He found it just as tedious as I did.

I am delighted to report that he is not and will not grow into

the boring energy vampire from whence he came.

Rubbish.

Only today, I was

conducting a new experiment...

Are you two having sex again?

Well, I'm not baking a cake, Nandor.

It would be so much more enjoyable

if you would stop interrupting.

Or you could join in, old chap. Come on.