Nip/Tuck - Fourth Season

Previously on Nip/Tuck...

So you'd like some liposuction, Mrs. Budge.

Whatever it costs, I can afford it.

Name me a price, sexy man.

- You got any mac and cheese-- - Zip it, Dawn.

What's the matter with me?

Your kidney's been surgically removed.

This is a hot car, matt. But not as hot as you.

- Burt can't find out about this. - I smelled it on you, honey.

I will ruin you both before I give my blessing

so you can run away and play happy ever after.

Where do you find these people, Sean?

Is there some kind of Craig's list for the ugly and unemployed?

Our contract with the Landaus allows us 4 pro-bonos every month.

I plan on meeting that quota.

Free surgery is like sex without an orgasm.

Unless, of course, the patient's name is Blue Monday,

in which case the free surgery follows an orgasm.

- Is it hot in here? - No. You all right?

I had strep throat a couple weeks ago. I guess I haven't kicked it.

Had a great run, Christian, it's time to give back.

I do give back, as much as my accountant says I have to.

Charity isn't an issue of your account,

it's an issue of conscience. Am I right?

Go back to work.

It's ridiculous. I have a garden variety case of strep throat.

Doctors, can Dr. Cruz and I have some privacy?

No, it's ok, it's ok, they can stay.

You've developed acute glomerular nephritis.

It's not uncommon after a bout of strep.

- What's her filtration rate? - She only has about 10% left.

She's going to need a new kidney to replace her remaining one.

I'm gonna recommend that you begin dialysis immediately.

Dialysis takes 6 hours a day, how am I supposed to work?

I've taken the liberty of placing you on the national donor list.

You were officially 62,342 in line.

That list is bullshit. People wait years for one of those organs.

Do you have any family that might be willing to volunteer as a donor?

My only living relative is my mother,

and when my father died last year, she banned me from the funeral.

As far as she's concerned, my being gay is what killed him,

so I don't think that she's going to be offering up a kidney anytime soon.

Sean and I will get tested.

You would do that for me? Jesus, Liz, of course.

You're family. Right, Sean?

Of course.

Christian!

It's not your face I want to see, it's hers.

- Screw this. - Christian, wait!

Where do you think you're going?

I'm done playing dildo.

Maybe you're done playing doctor, Chrissy.

You walk out that door,

and I'm gonna chop that little flesh shop of yours into fish bait.

You can have it. And her.

Hopefully one of them will get you a hard-on.

You're done playing with my 10-inch dick.

Christian...

Christian! Don't go!

How can you be with a man who treats you that way?

Why do you stay? For the money?

What am I supposed to do?

I lose everything if I leave.

I won't go back to that hole I was in before I met Burt.

What hole, hooking? Doesn't seem like you ever stopped.

- I'm sorry. - No!

Come with me. Come with me. Come with me now. Come with me.

No. I won't belong to another man.

Burt... bought my mother a house.

He gave my sisters jobs. This isn't only about me.

We have to be smart, Christian. Please.

Don't make any waves. I can get us out of this.

Tell your husband he can fire me. I'm nobody's whore.

What can we do for you, Dawn? More lipo?

Hmmph. God knows I could use it.

In the past 6 hours I have consumed more fry hoppers

than a french whore during the nazi occupation.

Those cookies and the oxycontin are the only thing

keepin' me from passin' out right here from pain.

- Pain? I was ear-jacked. - Carjacked?

Ear-jacked! Jesus! I got one ear, I can hear better than you.

After Dwight left me for Mallory, I went on a 4-week fast food bender.

Arbys, K.F.C.

I even bought a popeye's franchise for good measure.

Well, after thousands of grams of saturated fat

failed to mend my broken heart, I drove on down to Boca...

Picked myself up a gorgeous pair of honkin' earrings.

First mistake I made? Wearin' them in public.

So what's it gonna cost me, doc, for the new ear?

- Well, Mrs. Budge-- - Miss.

I'm single now.

Miss Budge, we can rebuild the ear using cartilage

and fatty tissue from other parts of your body.

- God knows you got plenty. - Zip it, pretty boy.

What's option 2?

We can attach an artificial ear. Made out of silicone.

What am I, plastic man?

I'll look like a mannequin at Lane Bryant. This ear has to be perfect.

Now that I am oprah-rich and back on the dating scene,

I plan on nabbin' my own stedman within one year.

There is one other possibility.

It's fairly new technology and it won't be cheap.

Sweetie, I wipe my ass with $100 bills.

All right. Then we'll make an appointment at the genetics lab.

Genetics lab?

That's where they're gonna grow you a new ear.

Oh... God!

That's incredible. Oh...

Deeper. Ahhh!

Oh, that's good. Oh...

Oh...

I can't tell the difference between the knots and the muscles.

You're like this mass of sculpted steel.

Oh, you're too sweet. It's pilates.

Will you get my lower back?

Yeah.

Oh... Yeah.

What are you doing?

Well... I'm sorry. It's just, you were moaning...

We're friends, Matt. I thought I could trust you.

Look, Kimber, I'm sorry, but I like you.

I guess you have that effect on the men in my family.

And you thought that because I had relationships with your dads

that I was just gonna screw you, too?

I thought you were different than they were, Matt.

Yeah, I am. I'm spiritual. I just spent the last month picking up shit

in front of church buildings, for Christ sake.

Did you do that for your growth or to impress me?

Look...

Get out.

I don't feel safe with you here anymore. Go.

Ok.

- You're not a match. - How close was I?

You're a 5 out of 6, that's almost a perfect match.

Would you describe yourself as promiscuous, doctor?

Your blood tested high for an antibody that only appears in

people with an unusually high number of sexual partners.

So I can't give liz a kidney because I've had too much sex?

- There's irony for you. - You're disappointed.

I fixed a number of nephrectomy scars.

It's almost to impossible to regain muscle definition in the affected areas.

There are other possible complications.

Incontinence, infection, clotting.

You are aware that the results are strictly confidential?

I'm only obligated to reveal the findings to the donor.

Are you saying you'll lie for me?

I'm saying it's my responsibility to test you,

but it's your responsibility to inform

any interested parties that you're a match.

Mr. Landau's here to see you. Says it's urgent.

- Excuse me. - Yes.

Are you a match?

- No, are you? - No.

Any other ideas how we can help her?

You can get medical marijuana and russian brides over the internet these days,

I'm sure we can find ourselves a kidney.

Do you have any idea what this come to jesus meeting with Burt is all about?

Yeah, we're gonna get fired. He found out about Michelle and I,

and he said if we didn't screw in front of him,

then he would tear the business apart.

Turns out the old bird is a kinky bastard.

Jesus, Christian.

I should have known if anything was gonna bring this place to its knees,

it would be your dick.

Think you can get us out of this?

Not unless you got a 12 gauge and a bunch of hams.

It happened 2 nights ago.

The doctor said it was an ischemic stroke.

Were you straining? A bowel movement?

We were having sex.

We made it to the hospital within half an hour.

They told us the clot had dissipated.

Sorry, but if the clot is fully dissolved and

he's already on the anti-coagulants, what do you want us to do?

You're my plastic surgeon.

Fix my goddamn face.

Where is Dr. Troy? This is totally unacceptable.

He's caring for a sick associate.

Oh! No need to lie. The man is terrified of our sexual chemistry.

I get it.

Here it is. Isn't he beautiful?

We call him Vincent.

After the 19th century painter Vincent Van Gogh,

who's infamous for cutting off his ear.

Thanks, sister Wendy.

I just bought one of his paintings. I got it hanging in my bathroom.

Every time I take a dump now, I feel artistic.

So, doc, what'd you do? Shave the poor thing down?

It's a nude mouse.

It's genetically altered to be born without a thymus gland.

It has limited T-cells, which means it can't fight off infections.

It also means he's less likely to reject donated tissue.

Mmm. Does it hurt when you sew that thing on him?

No. We implant a tiny ear-shaped scaffold,

filled with donor tissue into our guy's back.

His blood nourishes the growing cells,

and in about 6 weeks, you have an ear.

I forwarded Dr. Kaplar your blood work,

so he picked this mouse based on the results.

You'll also be given a heavy dose of anti-rejection drugs to aid the process.