The Magicians

Previously on "Us"...

- What? - Just imagine a montage.

A group of fine looking grad students

were invited to a secret school for magic

where a bunch of stuff happened

that doesn't really matter,

until they ran into a mysterious figure.

The answer to a riddle they didn't even know to ask.

- It's you. - Do you want this recap or not?

So yeah, it was me. Things were awesome.

For a minute. We became kings and queens.

Well, everybody but you.

Everyone hooked up, I had a threesome with two harpies.

Just get to the parts about me.

You had a lot of drama with your hands.

You signed a billion-year contract with the Library

- to help out Kady. - Wait, who's that?

Kady Orloff-Diaz? Love of your life?

Looks like she could crack open your balls,

because she can?

Well, it was a love for the ages.

Despite the fact that Kady got in way over her head

with some hedge witches. Especially her best bitch,

Julia Wicker. Their term, not mine.

- I-I-I would never. - Whatever went down

definitely made them ex-best...

Witches. Truthfully,

the only person Kady can stand is you.

And that pretty much cut both ways.

No, come on, Penny, don't... don't... Come on.

And then you died. Kind of.

Meanwhile, magic got all jacked up.

You know what's weird, that jacked up is bad,

- but jacked off is great. - Focus, dude.

So, with magic gone, a bunch of Fairy dicks

invaded Fillory, made Eliot and Margo look like derps,

so the people revolted. Only ray of hope?

Julia mysteriously still has magic.

Why? Question mark!

We got sent on a dope quest

to find the Seven Keys that unlock magic.

But the fourth one got dragon gobbled

and lost in the Underworld.

The other Penny sent us the key,

but never came back.

- Then came my grand adventure. - Hard pass.

I also saved the day in your dumb timeline.

- And snagged up Key seven. - Yeah, I was there for that.

And you didn't save shit.

Now wait, you skipped the Sixth Key.

This makes no goddamn sense.

No, it's intentionally confusing.

You see, Julia saved a bunch of Fairies from slavery,

So the Fairy Queen was like, I have the Sixth Key,

but I'm not going to give it to you because she's...

A creamy bitch is what she is.

Meanwhile, Alice has been acting real fishy.

Quentin was all like...

Are you working for the Library?

- And she was all... - Yes.

And now, if you would please refer

to the hookup/murder chart.

Penny got with the other Alice.

- Interesting. - Now that we know

who porked whom, let's go over who murdered whom.

Penny.

You're Kady.

- What's going on? - I'm not your Penny.

*THE MAGICIANS* Season 03 Episode 12 Episode Title: "The Fillorian Candidate"

Julia?

- Sorry, uh, what? - What I'm saying is,

if there's a monster behind the door,

opening the door is probably not the smartest plan.

But that's where magic is, like...

what, we can't exactly just stop. Plus, this didn't come

- from the most reliable source. - He was you.

- He was the Beast. - Making decisions like this

without understanding the consequences

is exactly why magic is gone.

So we figure out if it's true.

We... we search the castle, find out what's inside.

We could ask the Library.

Yeah, you're right. You should ask them.

They say they want to help.

It'd be nice if they actually did.

I'll let you know what they say.

Q...

Do you have a better plan?

Yeah, maybe don't trust the Library?

They literally snort the bones of Fairies.

We don't have to trust them.

The... Penny that you brought with you,

- The... - Penny 23.

Yeah, look. Ask him to follow Alice

to the Library. He can Astral Project,

they'll never even know he was there.

Catching up on the news?

My timeline was post apocalyptic,

and it wasn't this fucked up.

Alice is meeting with the Library.

We need you to follow her on the Astral Plane.

Q thinks you're more likely to say yes if I ask,

because you and the other me shared a thing.

But we both know that we're total strangers.

- So... - Go on.

Well see, this is a chance to un-fuck magic.

And as a new citizen of Timeline 40,

that should be something you would want to do.

Whoever asks.

I have heard of the Castle at the End of the World.

It was built by the gods, but its contents

are secret by design. All we mortals know

is that we are not meant to know.

Why wouldn't they want you to know what's inside?

Perhaps it is indeed the lair of a horrifying monster.

Or perhaps they simply enjoy tormenting those of us

who dedicate our lives to cataloguing information.

Well whatever their motive,

we'd be idiots to go in totally blind.

Then ask someone who's been inside.

A god. I believe your friends

have had encounters with them. Now, there is another matter.

That's the Siphon?

We thought it'd be bigger.

It needs to be powered, and it requires a lot of energy.

Our intended source has not fulfilled

their end of our bargain.

Well, how are we supposed to use it?

Your friend Julia. She's powerful enough.

If her magic were implanted into the Siphon...

She'd never go for that if she knew what this does.

Then you'll have to take the power from her by force.

That could kill her.

We've all made sacrifices in pursuit of our greater purpose.

We need the Siphon charged before...

I know.

I just need some time to figure out another way, or...

- I'll be in touch. - Remember.

Once magic is flowing again,

you have 30 seconds to attach the Siphon.

If you miss that window, our chance is gone forever.

I come bearing gifts.

This is like, 80% taco supplies.

I'm sorry, do they not have Tuesdays in Fillory?

Feel free to do your own grocery shopping next time.

No, no, if I have to catch, pluck, or boil

one more pigeon, I'm going to hurl myself off this ship.

I was gone a lot longer than I thought it would be.

Listen, Fen.

Before you were born, you were promised

to a stranger. A king.

And... I'm not one anymore.

You don't have to stay for my sake.

I'm guessing you've never thought about

where I would be if you never showed up.

I have.

Still in that same village where I was born,

married to one of the three

obnoxious boys I lived next to.

Now those boys want to drop you off a waterfall,

and that's them being polite.

What do you think they would do if they got their hands on me?

That got less touching as you went.

I can't go back to my old life.

I'm stuck with you, and that means you're stuck with me.

We've been trying to negotiate with the Fairy Queen

for the last Key, but this is what we got back.

- Eat my ass! - We're not sure if...

Eat my ass!

- Eat. My. Ass! - We're not sure if...

If this was the Fairy Queen's response

or this is one very kinky rabbit.

Maybe there's something we can do to get her attention?

Eat. My. Ass.

These are on the house. For you saving my life.

We need to talk to your Queen.

You must know how to get her to come.

- It's an emergency. - No.

The last time I saw her, she threatened to murder me.

Glass half full... she didn't actually go through with it.

But you must have Fairy stepsisters

or someone you can talk to?

There were no Fairy children in the realm.

Just humans they bargained away from their real parents.

Like me.

Being sent to you ruined everything.

I can't go back to the Fairy Realm.

I don't fit in with humans. Why do you think

- I work at an animal bar? - No, really,

really, I'm not judging you.

Trust me, I'm not judging you.

Now you show up and want to make things even worse.

Look, it's too late for me to fix your fucked up childhood.

But what we want to offer the Queen

would mean real peace for humans and fairies.

Maybe the distance between us can finally start to close.

And maybe then, you won't feel so alone.

That's kind.

But just so you know, I'm not alone.

No, really.