It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

All right, well, that about does it,

which means we are officially

- on island time. - Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, baby. Whoo-wee! - Here we go.

- Island time. - Ah, Frank.

I'm so excited about this concert.

- Thank you for the tickets. - Yeah.

- Oh, I love Jimmy Buffett. - Oh, yeah.

And those Parrothead broads, they're wild.

- I noticed that, they're nuts. - Yeah, yeah.

- They are wild. - I hope he plays "The Piña Colada Song," man.

- Oh, yeah, that's the best. - I gotta hear it.

Yeah, I wish he would, too, but he won't,

'cause that's, uh, that's not Buffett.

- Huh? - Yeah, no. H-He does.

It's, uh, the one that goes,

Yeah, no, I know the song, I know the song,

but it's sung by a man named Rupert Holmes.

- Who? - Are you sure? I feel like that's Buffett.

We've been going to see Buffett for 20 years.

Have you ever heard him play it?

No, but he's not gonna play all of his hits every single time.

Yeah, no, he is. That's what he does.

That's actually the only thing he does.

And that's just not one of them, but, hey, listen, buddy,

you want to hear that song, you go ahead

and request away. I won't stop you.

Oh, I hope he plays that one.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all do. - Yeah, he won't, he won't.

- W-Were you in the women's room? - Mm-hmm.

- Well, don't do that. Don't use my bathroom. - Why not?

'Cause it's my bathroom, and you're a man.

Oh, no. Well, now, as a gay man,

I just feel more comfortable in the ladies' room.

Oh, come on, the... with the gay thing again.

Like, look, it makes me uncomfortable

that you're in there using my bathroom. How about that?

Look, the whole men's and women's bathroom thing is antiquated.

- Maybe you're antiquated. - Maybe I'm...

- Get off me! Get off me! - (yelling indistinctly)

- Get him off me! - Settle down.

Don't. Come on. L-L-Listen...

I know, I know, listen.

We always do this. We...

We always get in some major tiff right before Buffett,

and then, you know, it just, it just ruins

- the whole island vibe, you know? - Yeah.

Come on. We're not doing that this time.

All right? This whole bathroom issue

is a simple problem with a simple solution.

So why don't we just sit here and let's just figure it out.

All right, now we're talking.

I tell ya, there's never been a problem so big,

couldn't be solved by a late night and a little Chinese takeout.

We should've got cheeseburgers.

Well, Frank, you know, I'm saving my cheeseburgers

- for paradise. - (all laugh)

I get it. - That is Buffett, that one, right?

- Yeah, that's Buffett. - That's Buffett, okay, cool.

Uh, if I may go first. I'd like to go first.

Oh, are we doing the whole stand up...?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's gonna do it.

Now, guys, I believe that as a gay man,

I should be able to use the women's bathroom

because I feel more comfortable around women.

- Okay, why? - Well, "A," we both like dudes,

and "B," we both find women's bodies disgusting,

- so there's no hanky-panky. - Well, that tracks.

- Yeah, sure, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah.

Done! I'm using the ladies' bathroom, right?

N-n-n-n-n-n... My turn.

- My turn, right? - Oh, do you have to...?

- The floor is yours. - I thought Mac just solved it.

- No. No, no. - No. - All right.

Okay, "A," not all women like dudes... lesbians,

for example... and, "B," I find you disgusting.

I don't want men pooping next to me.

- Would you let a trans woman go in there? - Of course I would.

- But not me? - No, not you, because you're a man.

You're a gay man, but you're still a man.

I don't know why you're being such a bitch

about this, Dee. I've been pooping next to you for months.

- What are you talking about? - You've been in the stall next to me.

I-I recognize you from those pink heels you have.

- I don't own pink heels. - Yes, you do.

The ones with the straps that, that makes those giant feet

look so dainty and cute.

Mac, I don't know what you're talking about.

Mm, uh...

Okay, um... (chuckles)

All right, uh, I think I can actually explain this.

Uh, Charlie, I do hope that the explaining you're gonna do

is about why this bathroom is so much cleaner than ours.

Don't worry about it, this is the last time you're gonna be in here.

Charlie, what is taking so long?

Give me a minute. Give me a minute!

Uh...

Oh, there they are.

Those are the pink heels I was talking about.

Charlie, are you a cross-dresser?

No. I just like to use the women's bathroom,

because it's, you know, it's quieter, it's less crowded.

And very clean.

Yeah, and, look, I-I just,

whatever, I slip on the heels,

in case someone looked under the stall.

I didn't want anyone to be uncomfortable.

- That's it. - Okay. But what's with the wig?

CHARLIE (stammering): Come on.

Don't make me do the whole thing.

The wig is just in case someone peeks over the top.

How about the dress, bud?

Goddamn it. It... - (stall door opens)

- Oh! - Whoa. Whoa. (laughs)

Okay, okay. Look, the dress just ties the whole look together, so, you know.

You are a cross-dresser.

No, I'm not. Look, I was raised by a single mother, you know.

And we were always on the go, and sometimes,

we'd be at, like, a museum, or, you know, a stadium,

and I'd have to go to the bathroom, and my mom wasn't

gonna put me in the men's room by myself,

so she carried around a dress with her.

She would slip it on, and I would go in and out

of the women's bathroom and no one would notice.

And then, you know, as the years went by,

I just got more comfortable pooping

with a dress, so whatever, it's not that weird.

- Hold on, though, it's very, very weird. - It is so weird.

Look, lots of people do it. It's...

- I doubt it. - I don't know anybody.

- Uh, no. - Not one person on the planet.

It is what it is, I mean,

it's the only way I can poop, so...

- Oh, okay. - I guess it is what it is.

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. - It is what it is, and it is very strange,

but it does bring up an interesting point.

You see, Dee, you did mention moments ago

that you would be comfortable having

a transgender woman use your bathroom.

Of course I would, so what?

- Well... - No. That's not,

that's not the same thing, he's not transgender.

Well, no. He's-he's not transgender,

but he identifies as a woman when he poops.

No. No. Goddamn it, you're only saying that

'cause my bathroom's nicer.

No, no. I-I think, I think Mac is right.

I think this system is antiquated, and I think...

- Is that, is that a hand dryer? - Oh, damn.

- Yeah, there's a hand dryer in here. - Oh, goddamn it.

- (overlapping conversation) - Well, let's vote. All those in favor.

- MAC/DENNIS/CHARLIE/FRANK: Aye. - No. Goddamn it.

Nice. Okay, well, I knew we could solve it, guys.

- This is great. - And then should we also change the signs on the doors

to reflect that it's not a boys' room

- and a girls' room anymore? Right. Yeah, no.

We'll pop some new signs on there real fast.

You know, so it's clear that any gender can use any bathroom.

- Yeah, yeah. - How hard could that be?

- The dress is making me have to poop really bad, so I'm gonna... - Okay, let's do it.

- Oh, goddamn it. - Gotta poop, gotta poop.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. So, I'm sorry,

what's wrong with this one again?

Well, I think it's confusing, is what the problem is.

- Mm. Mm-hmm. - Like, maybe we need words or something.

Well, also, like, what's with the floating starfish

trying to eat the rock?

- That's a baby. - That's a baby?

- Yes, that's a... That's a baby?

So, now what's happening, you got wheelchair guy's back there

throwing babies around trying to get them in wheelchairs?

It's confusing. - Okay, all right.

So what if I cover up the baby, how about now?

I don't get it. Now it looks like you either got to be

in a wheelchair or a he-she to go poop in there.

- No, no, no, no, Frank, come on, don't say "he-she." - What?

- It's hermaphrodite. Oh, nope.

Dee, you can't say that anymore, either.

- It's intersex. - Well, this is all confusing.

Why do I have to keep learning new things?

How about this?

We'll call the bathrooms gender neutral.

That makes me uncomfortable, because I'm not neutral

- about my gender. - Mm.

- So now you're uncomfortable, okay. Okay.

We put one sign on each door, both of them say "gender fluid."

Right. 'Cause that-that implies, like, you're this,

- you're that. - I don't know. I don't like thinking about gender fluids.

Like, just, uh, it's a gross image to me.

- All right. Well... You know what? Look, look.

It's just all so confusing.

You know, we got to make this much simpler.

I have an idea, if I could just go do one that I think will

- clear it all up. - Great. Go for it, buddy. Hop to it.

- (overlapping chatter) - All right, do it, yeah.

- Quick. - Is the Internet working?

- Hmm... Well, hang on. Hey.

Yes, but you stay off it. You stay...

- No. No. - No, no. I'm just...

You crashed our last three laptops, man.