Friends

Oh, hey, you guys?

I couldn't get a reservation for the night of my birthday...

...so we'll have to do dinner Thursday night instead.

- Thursday? But that's Halloween. So?

It's just spooky, that's all.

Uh, so is Mike coming to dinner?

No. It's my first birthday with a boyfriend, and he has to work.

I'd get mad at him, but I think it's too soon to show my true colors.

Well, I would make the reservation for five.

One of us has to stay home and watch Emma.

- Which one of us should go to dinner? - Oh, Rachel.

Uh, actually, I was thinking maybe both of us could go.

Oh, yay.

Thanks. I'll put a lot of extra thought into your gift.

All right, so great, we can all go now.

That is fun. Hey. You know what?

We all haven't been together, the six of us, in such a long time.

What are you talking about? We're all together now.

Uh, Mon? Chandler's not here.

Oh, dear God.

Hello, everyone. It's nice to see our team together for the first time.

Now, before we get started, are there any questions?

- Yes. Ken, is it? That's right.

Is it true the reason you're in Tulsa is that you fell asleep in a meeting...

...and took the job without realizing what you were saying yes to?

Well, don't believe everything you hear, Ken.

But yeah, that's true.

All right, let's get started by, uh, taking a look at last quarter's figures.

Uh, Claudia, aren't you supposed to blow smoke up the boss's ass?

- I'm sorry. Does the smoke bother you? - No. I smoked for years. Then I quit.

Right now, I can't remember why.

You're not allowed to smoke in this office though, right?

Yes, in Oklahoma it's legal to smoke in offices with 15 people or less.

- Would you like one? - All right, look. I don't smoke anymore.

But if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, it's fine.

So you all smoke, then? Heh.

You know, it's almost rude that I'm not smoking.

- That's not true. If you don't wanna smoke... - Ken, please!

No, I can't. I can't smoke. If I smoke, my wife would kill me.

I'm sorry, but isn't your wife back in New York?

I've always liked you, Ken.

Trick or treat.

Hey. - Ooh, and "treat" it is.

Wow. So glad I changed.

I almost wore my threadbare robe that can't contain my breasts.

This is not what I'm wearing. I'm ovulating...

...and Chandler's gonna be home. So I thought we would try before dinner.

Oh. Wait, does that...? You guys won't be late for my dinner, will you?

Chandler and I have not seen each other in over a week.

We'll probably be the first ones there.

Okay. See you there. Happy humping.

Hey. Well, hey.

Oh. Wow, somebody smoked out here?

My God, don't people know you're not allowed to smoke in public spaces?

Actually, in Oklahoma, smoking is legal in offices with fewer than 15 people.

Oh, you smoked.

No. I just happen to know a lot of trivia about smoking in different states.

For example, in Hawaii, cigarettes are called lei-lana-lukus.

- Oh, Chandler, you stink of cigarettes. - Do you think Monica is gonna smell it?

Are you kidding? That woman has the nose of a bloodhound.

And the breasts of a Greek goddess.

Pheebs?

I'm gonna go.

Okay. Something to cover the smell.

Oven cleaner.

Unscented.

Welcome home.

I've missed you.

- You wanna join me in the bedroom? - No, thanks, I'm good.

Oh, okay. So you want to play it that way, do you?

Well, uh, you know what? Actually, I just got off a plane...

...so I'm feeling gross. Maybe I should take a shower.

- Come here, you don't need a shower. - All right, the truth is...

...I soiled myself during some turbulence.

What do I smell? I smell smoke.

Did you smoke?

Yes. But I just had one.

Two.

Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five.

A pack. Two pack... A carton.

Three big fat cartons in two days.

But it's over. I've made a decision, I'm not gonna smoke anymore.

Well, those are for you.

All right. Well, we'll just, uh, see you when you get here. Bye.

Oh, that was my mom. She's stuck in terrible traffic.

Okay, well, that is now the third sign that I should not leave Emma.

- What are the other two? - Well, the first one is, I don't want to.

And second one, I'm not going.

I know this is the first time we're leaving the baby.

Hey, I know how hard it is for you. But...

But everything's gonna be fine. I mean, my mom is gonna be with her.

- She's great with kids. - She is?

Yeah.

What about Monica?

Hey, you only hear Monica's side of that. Okay, that little fatso was a terror.

- I just don't think I can do it. - You know what? You can and you should.

Really, it'll be good for you.

In fact, you know what?

Why don't you go ahead to the restaurant, and I will wait for my mom...

...and then I'll meet you there? No, no, really, you should go. Go out.

Really, the world is your oyster. Kick up your heels. Paint the town red.

- You need to learn some new slang. - I'm serious. Come on, you should go.

Here. No, just go.

- Well... Oh! - No, no. You know what?

You're not getting back in there. The baby's fine. Now, scram.

Yeah, tell your story walking.

I was just going to say that I left my keys.

Oh.

Holy moley, are we in a pickle now.

Where is everyone? They're 40 minutes late.

- I know. - I'm starving.

I knew we were coming here tonight. I ate nothing all day.

What about me? I only had one lunch today.

So are we expecting the rest of our party shortly?

Yes, they are expected presently. Yeah.

Their, um... Their arrival is in the offing.

Right. We do have a table for two available.

- Perhaps you'd be... - No, they're coming.

We're waiting right here.

Joseph.

One needn't worry. They shan't be long.

It's just that we do have some large parties waiting.

Oh, one really does have a stick up one's ass, doesn't one?

How can you smoke in this day and age? Have you not seen that ad? Huh?

Where the little kid walks through Grandpa? It's chilling.

I messed up. It was a meeting. Everybody was smoking.

So what? Don't you have any willpower?

Willpower? I've watched home movies of you eating Ding Dongs...

...without taking the tinfoil off.

You said that was sexy.

Okay, look, can we just drop this? I'm not gonna smoke again.

That's right, because I forbid you to smoke again.

- You forbid me? - Mm-hm.

You know, I've flown a long way to see my loving wife.

Is she here, by the way?

Chandler, don't joke with me. Okay? I'm very, very upset right now.

Oh. Would you say this is the most upset you could be?

I think so.

Well, then I might as well...

...do this.

Not really sure what to do now.

I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We're already late for Phoebe's birthday dinner.

So you're going to put out that cigarette...

...we're gonna put this fight on hold, and go have sex.

Fine. What?

Sex. This is the last day I'm ovulating. If we don't do it...

...we're gonna have to wait until next month.

You're serious?

- Oh, yeah. - All right, fine, I'll do it, but no talking.

- And no cuddling. - And no kissing your neck.

Oh, good. I hate it when you do that.

And lots of kissing your neck.

Okay, well, the super's not home.

But my mother's gonna be here, and she has the key.

I can't wait that long. You have to do something. Knock that door down.

I would, but I bruise like a peach.

Besides, you know, everything's gonna be fine. The baby's sleeping.

- What if she jumps out of the bassinet? - Can't hold her own head up.

But, yeah, jumped.

Oh, my God. I left the water running.

You did not leave the water running. Please, pull yourself together, okay?

- Well, did I leave the stove on? - You haven't cooked since 1996.

Is the window open? If the window's open a bird could fly in and...

Oh, my God, you know what? I think you're right.

- Listen. - What? What?

A pigeon. No. No, wait, no. An eagle flew in.

Landed on the stove and caught fire.

The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid.

The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression...

...and grabs the baby in its talon.

Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water.

Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a death grip...

...swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment.

Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.

- Hello. Hi.

It's been an hour.

The maitre d' asked if you'd reconsider switching to a smaller table.

Maybe we should just eat now.

You can't order until the entire party's arrived. Restaurant policy.