American Housewife

- Whatcha working on? - I need scary ideas

for Jennifer Estony's annual haunted-house party.

She shot down everything that I've come up with so far.

Mm. Okay, how about this.

Gives me shivers just thinking about it.

Get someone to dress

as the ghost of scholar Thomas Malthus.

Then get him to shame the kids

for not heeding his warning

about the dangers of population growth.

Ooh! Ooh!

Honey, I love you,

and I know we're gonna be together forever,

but moments like this do worry me.

Hey!

Can I go to a party at Sierra Johnson's house

on Halloween night?

- Are her parents going to be there? - Yeah.

- Will there be any drinking? - No.

What's your name?

Taylor.

Just establishing a baseline

for my mommy lie detector.

Fine by me. Just be home by curfew.

Yay! Awesome! Thanks, Dad.

Look at you,

making decisions without consulting me

just like that.

You said with you going back to work,

you wanted me to take a more active role with the kids,

so I read the situation, and I made the call.

- Mm. - I gotta say, feels good.

Do I look taller? I feel taller.

Oh, God.

Hey, from now on,

could you guys just tell me where you hide your key?

I had to dig through the flower bed,

and my back is killing me.

Why didn't you just ring the doorbell?

Because it hurts my feelings

when I look through the window

and see you hiding behind the sofa.

This is the fourth time you've come over today.

- What do you need now, Viv? - I need another pregnancy check-in.

I'm mostly nipple now. Is that normal?

O-kay. I'll be in my study.

Mm. It's totally normal.

It's just your body preparing to be a mommy.

Well, tell it to stop!

It's screwing up stuff

that I spent a lot of time and money perfecting.

Is that it, Viv? Because I'm kinda busy.

Actually, no, I've got three weeks

until my scheduled C-section.

I am feeling super lonely.

Where is your baby daddy, the Pig Whisperer?

He promised he'd come back to town,

but he's been so unreliable since he left me.

So, the Pig Whisperer is definitely not coming back?

Ugh, swine!

Have you made preparations for the baby's arrival?

No, I haven't set up the nursery

or even bought anything yet

'cause I don't really know what to expect.

I gave you a book called

"What to Expect When You're Expecting."

I'm not a good reading learner!

I'm more of a girl-talk learner.

So I was hoping we could do

- a baby cram session together. - Mnh-mnh.

Viv, I've got a full plate right now

trying to plan this haunted-house party.

Please! I just need the basics.

Like, after the baby comes out, then what?

- Fine. - Oh!

I'll see what old baby items I have in the basement

- and give you a crash course. - Yay!

Ooh!

Should we get some champagne and make this fun?

You can't drink, Viv.

I know!

I'm so excited for you, me, and Gina

to go to the Estony haunted-house party.

So, you're not worried about the whole third-wheel thing?

No.

Dude, Gina will never be a third wheel with us.

Oh, hey.

Hey, hi.

How's you're day going?

Whoa! Who is that?

Hey, guys, meet my cousin Adriana.

So, these are the Westport boys?

- This is my boyfriend, Oliver. - Hi.

So, this one's for me, huh?

What? I mean, I guess.

I mean...

Hola, chica.

So, I told Adriana about the Halloween party tomorrow,

- and she wants to tag along. - Yeah.

We'll find a closet

and play "seven minutes in heaven."

Okay.

We'll see you guys there.

Seven minutes?

That's a long time.

We'll be fine. We... We just need to be prepared.

Is there a beginner's closet, maybe three minutes?

This is an electric rocker thingy.

You'll need it so you don't have to hold the baby

when you sit down and cry into both hands.

Remember, if anything goes wrong,

if they get a rash, gas, or a clogged tear duct,

use breast milk.

It clears everything up.

- Breast milk? - Mm-hmm.

- Got it. - Yeah.

Where do I get that?

- From... your breasts! - Oh, no!

I just got them how I want them.

You know, um...

you're already set up for children over here.

Mnh-mnh-mnh.

I am not raising your baby, Viv.

Fine.

Not it!

You can't "not it" a baby, Viv.

Also, you didn't put your finger on your nose

when you said "not it."

- Not it! - Not it!

Oh!

Ugh. Coming up with an idea for this haunted-house party

is stressing me out.

Oh, my God.

Do you know who has a lot of scary stories?

- Mm? - Angela's waxer.

Ah. You know who else has a lot of scary stories?

Doris' kids.

You're damn right they do.

Wonder what they're doing at Sierra Johnson's party.

Maybe I can steal an idea from them.

The Johnsons are having a party?

Yeah, Taylor's going.

I'm surprised to hear that since her parents are in Antigua.

Taylor told me her parents would be there.

Liar! I knew it.

Okay, before you explode, I could be wrong.

Yeah, not wrong.

They just posted a pic of themselves on the beach.

I can't believe she lied to me!

My kids don't lie to me.

I lie to them.

Why'd you let her go in the first place, dumb-dumb?

She's way too hot to be trusted.

I was just starting my interrogation

when Greg jumped in and gave her permission.

And you just let him?

You know, I get that. Ohh.

He has an understated strength

that would back off any woman.

Oh, and those lips!

Those full, pillowy lips,

like an overinflated pool toy.

Oh, it just makes a woman want to, like,

- take off her p... - Doris.

How many times have I told you

not to fantasize about Greg while I'm eating?

Well, maybe ask Greg to be less desirable!

You ever think of that?!

Have you decided what kind of zombie you want to be this year?

It's gonna be hard to top when you went as Zombie Tony the Tiger.

Theeeeey're brains!

This year, nothing's speaking to me.

Maybe I just won't dress up and go trick-or-treating.

Maybe I've grown out of it.

Are you sure? You're giving up free candy?

Please. Between candy at school

and candy from the weird guy in the van...

- Anna-Kat?! - You're so gullible.

How many times have I told you

I don't think van jokes are funny?

Where's Taylor?

She's still at school, practicing for the play.

Well, she's quite the actress.

Sierra Johnson's parents are in Antigua, Greg.

Taylor lied to our faces

so that she could go to the party, get drunk,

and mess around with Trip.

We don't know that.

Maybe she just wants to hang out with her friends,

and she had to lie about there being parental supervision

so that we would let her go.

Are you defending her lie?

If she had told the truth,

- what would you have said? - No!

You put her in a position where she was forced to lie,

just like when you asked me how I felt

when you bejeweled your fingernails.

- You said I looked classy. - Of course I did.

You had two-inch claws on both hands.

Well, we are not letting Taylor go to that party.