Happy New Year, Colin Burstead

This film contains very strong language.

STATIC HUMS

HUMMING CONTINUES

What are you doing?

It's for my nerves. I'm just relaxing this morning.

I'm glad you're relaxing. And what...? What is this?

Have you been outside in these? Is that mud?

Yeah, well, as long as we're sort of out the door in 15 minutes,

we'll be down there in four hours, I think, so midday.

Yeah, it's just whether the M25 is moving or...

Yeah, obviously, four hours in...

Colin?

David's coming.

Right. Is he?

Is that all right?

You're not happy about that, no?

No, of course I'm happy. Yeah. It'll be good to see him.

Yeah. Did you...? You just...

Did you talk to anyone about that or was that just your...?

No, I haven't spoken to Dad.

I just thought...what the right thing is to do for Mum.

About a group decision, no, otherwise I would have called you,

but I knew what the response would be.

So it's been long enough, hasn't it? Well, Mum needs to see him and...

No, I'm not... Look, I can't...

I've got a bad line here anyway. I'm losing you.

Yeah, sorry. Just...

Yeah, sorry, Gin...

Oh...keep going.

I'm a bit what?

Colin?

Hello, Gin?

Colin...

Don't. Yeah, I can hear you. I'm a bit what?

No, you... Ah... Sorry, Gin.

You're a robot, Gin.

Yeah...uh...I can't...uh...

My brother's coming.

Yeah, Gini's invited him.

It's fair that Dave's coming, isn't it?

I think it's right to invite him.

I have no opinion on the matter.

You never have an opinion on a matter. Your family...

The idea was that it was a surprise for my mum.

Yeah. It's going to be a surprise, yeah. It will be a surprise.

Have you seen my puffer?

Yes, please. That would be good.

Fran, I haven't seen you in, like, two minutes. Where are you?

It's all right, I've got it.

Is that why you invited Dave?

What do you mean?

Thanks.

You know, to fuck it all up.

She hasn't seen him for five years, Warren!

WATER BOILS

MAN GROANS Oh, yeah... Oh, God.

Oh, boy.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy... Oh...

HE COUGHS

There's literally nothing to look forward to about the New Year.

Why are we going?

Please, let's just, you know, pretend it's not happening.

Cos there will be a lot of fun today, by order of our son.

It's stressing me out. We've got to do a four-hour drive

because he's decided to drag us all the way to fucking Dorset.

It's miles, yeah, and the traffic will be a nightmare

at this time of year. I, erm...

I have to talk to him about a loan.

Well, how bad is it?

It's boring. It's a liquidity problem, really.

Boring. It's not worth talking about.

All right? It'll be nice. It'll be a nice time.

Oh. What?

Can you not see when you're being punished?

Are you drinking later?

Oh, no, no. Definitely not, no.

It's a day off for me.

Dry... Dry January starts on Hogmanay.

Dry January, oh... I've had quite enough since Christmas.

Right, are we all good? Are we good to go?

OWL HOOTS Oh!

Do you do that to me, do you? What?

The robot?

The robot? No, I've...never d...

..that when...

VAL LAUGHS

You don't even know who Norman Collier is, do you, babe?

I'll get out and get all the stuff out the boot.

We'll get that and all that in a bit. Great. This is amazing, baby.

Your mum's going to love this.

It's like fucking Downtown.

Yeah. Oh, come on...

Hi!

Hey, baby... Hey.

Hey, baby...

Hey, how do you do?

Welcome! Hello. You must be Mr Burstead.

Colin. And this is Val... Hi.

..our baby Jamie and... Hello. How do you do?

Hi. Nice to meet you. Hi, hi, hi.

This is Fran, that's my older daughter.

How do you do? I'm Richard. Welcome to Cumberland House.

Today and tonight it is Burstead Hall.

Marvellous. Please, please, please, come in.

OK.

Here's the left corridor, so off you go, in there...

Where are you going?

Exploring. Oh.

This is the original Lord Cumberland.

I actually found this painting on eBay. Right. Yes.

He's just trying to rub everyone's nose in it.

He's so transparent, it's ridiculous.

PHONE BUZZES Oh, great.

They're here in ten minutes.

Wow, a swimming pool.

SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

I'm looking forward to this.

Could you hold this for me, please? Thank you. Mm-hm.

The old man...

Oh, and there's Maya and Nikhil as well. Yeah.

Do you think they live together?

Hello! Hi, Sandy! Ooh!

Hi!

Oh. How are you? Mmm. I'm well.

I'm good. How about you? Thank God you're here.

Are you all right with all that stuff?

Good.

Look at you! Hi, Nan! You are so grown-up. Hey.

Did I buy you that dress?

Show us the way to the... Yes, I did.

Where's the baby?

I was just saying to Maya, he is in bed. Do you want to...?

Oh, yes. I know, right?

They're here, Nina. They're here. Oh, thanks, Richard.

Go through and take...

Go round to your left, there's sort of a round room.

A round room? Creepy picture of the Lord.

Can I help in any way?

Yeah, you could tell them where the drinks are,

just in case they want to get stuck in.

Eh? Oh, don't judge!

Yeah, sorry, it's always sunset somewhere, isn't it?

There's still something going on there. Are you all right?

Just go through and to your left, Mum.

Oh, oh... Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Someone... Are you OK? For fuck's sake!

My ankle, ah! Sandy, be careful with your head as well.

Did you hit your head? What happened? Don't move her.

It might be... Colin, help your mum!

Is she all right, yeah?

All right? All right? Yeah?

Ain't got to call an ambulance within 30 seconds of you turning up?

I hope it's all right.

Building regs don't apply to these old buildings, I'm afraid.

Oh, is that right, is it? Right...

I hope you've got some public liability insurance.

Oh, I'll check straight away.

Maybe, Nikhil, you could go ahead and check for nonregulation steps

or dodgy handrails.

We're off to a good start, aren't we? Yeah, yeah, exactly, mate, yeah.

I'm glad you're here. Let's get you inside.

Four hours it took to get here, you know? Did it? Right, sorry, mate.

Your husband... I know. You know what he's like in a crisis.

My ankle. Ow! OK.

Oh, Sandy, your coat, it's all dirty as well.

This is terrible. Bloody hell!

Christ.

It's like a wedding cake. My legs are cramped.

Looking good. Thanks.

Lost weight. Nerves. But it suits you.

Oh, thanks. Just got to nip to the loo. Busting.

Does she know Dave's coming?

Oh, fuck.

Come on, let's get you in. Are we going too quick

or is this an all right pace? Yeah, it's through...

If you go to the end and go to the right,

there's one just through there. Perfect. Thank you.

When you've got to go, you've got to go, eh? Can we have a word later?

What, today? A bit warmer in there, as well.

Just sooner rather than later.

Hello, Uncle Bertie.

Hi, Gini. How are you? Are you all right? You're looking good.

Are you all right? You look a bit green around the gills.

Something's repeating on her.

Oh, yeah?

Are you coming in? Ah, well... Hello.

Four hours.

Yeah, I know.

LAUGHTER OK.

Hi. Good to see you.

I just don't want to get caught up in the festivities before we just...

Oh, you're thinking about everyone else, sort of thing? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah, no, always, ever magnanimous, Dad.

HORN HONKS

Sorry? You fell on a step?

Well... Are you the manager here?

Yes. Oh, that's actually my...

He's Lord Cumberland. Yes, it's my house, yes.

Yeah? Well, Lord, that step is a deathtrap. Deathtrap.

I'm so sorry. Which one?