Miss March

Careful, Tucker!

The floor is hot lava!

You can't touch the ground or you'll burn up!

We got to get to Craig's room to get the treasure before we burn up.

What's the treasure?

Craig just got a Michael Jordan rookie card,

and it cost him, like, 100 bucks!

Did you know that in Michael Jordan's first year with the Bulls,

- Michael Jordan had 138 rebounds? - Yeah.

Do you know who the Bulls rebound leader is, though?

- Yeah, Scottie Pippen. - Yeah.

Where's the card?

It's in the closet in a shoebox.

He's got the Michael Jordan rookie card and a Hank Aaron card.

It's not in mint condition, but it's a good card.

- Oh, my God! - What?

Your brother's got a Playboy!

No, he doesn't! What's a Playboy?

A magazine with naked ladies!

What? He doesn't have that.

Look!

Dude, I think your brother can go to jail for this.

Shut up! Don't open it!

Is that what girls look like?

They look so weird.

How do they pee?

It must come out of those.

Gross!

Oh, my God. Look at that one.

Tucker, you stepped in hot lava! You're on fire!

Whatever.

Oh, my God!

Look at the ass on that thing!

- Hello! - What?

You could bounce a quarter off that sweet turd-cutter!

Tucker, stop it! That's Eleanore, our friend!

Her mom's my piano teacher.

Oh, man!

I want her to French kiss my dick so bad.

Oh, my God!

Look at this!

Jenny's tits are the exact same size as Miss November's!

I don't care.

This means that this is what Jenny looks like naked.

- That's amazing. - That is amazing.

- Hi, Stacy. - Drop dead.

- Hi, Sheila. - Eat me, Tucker.

Set the time and place!

The two of you can eat shit and die.

Sheila! Thank you.

You know she's friends with Cindi.

Now she's gonna tell her. I'm gonna hear all about this. Good job.

Relax. Your girlfriend's gonna know it wasn't you. She knows your deal.

Hey, Candace, looking good!

Heard you went on the pill!

What the fuck did you just say to me?

Nothing. I didn't say anything.

Candace, sorry I won't go out with you.

I just... I don't dig handicapped chicks.

I have epilepsy, you limp-dicked shit! I'm not handicapped. it's a condition.

Tucker,

if you so much as make eye contact with me again, my brother will kill you.

He's a firefighter, and they're crazy!

Okay, okay! Deal. Deal. Deal.

Jesus. What a bitch.

- What was that? - Nothing.

I didn't say anything.

Man, why do you even do these sermons? They don't even pay you.

Tucker, I have told you.

They're not sermons. They're seminars.

And I do them because I believe in them, and I think kids need to hear this message.

I wish my brother had a seminar like this.

And now I'd like to bring up Eugene Bell and Cindi Whitehall,

a young couple who will be graduating from our high school this year.

Let's give a nice, warm Jefferson County Middle School welcome

to Eugene and Cindi.

Come on.

Hey, gang! We're here today

to talk to you about one of the most important decisions that you can make.

Now, I know at your age you guys probably think

all the older guys and gals are out there having sex.

But Cindi and I have been in a relationship for two and a half years now

and we have decided to save ourselves for marriage.

That's right, Eugene.

We have a happy, healthy romance,

and we don't need intercourse to prove that.

I'd like to tell you guys a story right now if I can.

This is a true story that happened to my older brother Craig.

Craig was a nice normal kid, just like me or you.

Then, one night, he and his girlfriend of two years

decided to go all the way.

It was Craig's first time having sex,

and he thought, "Hey, what's the worst thing that could happen?"

He thought they were sharing something very special,

but what she was sharing with him was syphilis!

He got syphilis.

Then she got pregnant,

and because she smoked cigarettes, the baby came out a crackhead.

The once-happy couple soon broke up.

Craig had to drop out of high school and work two jobs,

so he could keep up with the child support payments and the medical bills.

But it didn't stop there.

One afternoon, while my mother was babysitting for Craig,

the baby set the house on fire.

Because he was a crackhead.

My mother and little nephew died in that blaze.

And the grief from that, along with the advanced stages of syphilis

which put an enormous amount of pressure on Craig's frontal lobe,

drove him insane.

Today, Eugene's brother sits in a padded cell,

doing nothing but eating his own feces

and regretting the one time that he had sex.

Here, buddy.

Lights, please.

This is a venereal disease!

- Hey. - Hey. I'm in the tree.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Are your parents asleep? - Yeah, they just went to bed.

Hey, so Tucker told me about

this awesome party this weekend after the dance.

I think we should totally go.

You want to go to a party with Tucker after prom?

Yeah. I mean, that's what people do, right?

Eugene, did you think about what we talked about?

Yeah, you know, I did think about it,

but, like, I think I need a little bit more time

just to work everything out in my head. Like, a month or just a couple of weeks,

'cause there's, like, a lot of factors...

Eugene, I love you.

We've been going out for two and a half years.

I think we're ready.

That's what Chandra said to Craig.

Will you stop talking about your crazy brother?

That was a fluke.

My younger sister has sex all the time, and neither of her babies are crackheads.

Cindi, I can't believe what I'm hearing right now.

What about the seminar?

What about everything we said to those kids this afternoon?

I don't think that 15-year-old kids should be having sex.

You have to wait until you find that special someone.

But, Eugene, you are my special someone.

And if I'm not yours,

then I think that we have a whole other set of problems to worry about.

I'm gonna go to bed. I'll call you tomorrow.

Cindi, wait.

I'll have sex with you on prom night.

You promise?

I promise I'll have sex with you on prom night.

- I love you, Eugene. - I love you, Cindi.

Fuck. Fuck.

- Hello? - Dude!

- Five hours till you're chode deep! - Yes, I know that. Thank you.

- Are you psyched? Are you psyched? - Yes, I'm very psyched.

- Did you shave your cock yet? - What?

You gotta shave your cock. It makes it look bigger.

- Really? I'm not shaving my cock! - You have to!

What, are you just gonna have shaved balls and a hairy cock?

That's gonna look weird.

- I'm not shaving my balls, either. - Oh, my God.

Tucker, I've got this, okay?

Eugene, no, you don't got this.

Look, man, I've already slept with 12 women.

That's punishable by stoning in some countries.

- That's great, Tucker. - That is great.

And I've only been having sex for two years. That's six women a year!

Do you know what that means?

That means in 10 years, I'll have banged, like, 600 chicks!

Look, did you get the limo?

I'm supposed to pick Cindi up in half an hour.

Horsedick. MPEG has got it. He's picking you up.

Who is Horsedick. MPEG?

Oh, that's Phil, man. That's his MC name.

- Phil's MC name is Horsedick? - .MPEG.

.MPEG. That is so ridiculous.

Dude, you are so white. And what's with this attitude?

This is gonna be the best night of your life!

Look, I'm not even sure I'm ready to be doing this, okay?

Do you have any helpful advice?

Do you have any tips on how I can make this a wonderful, romantic night for Cindi

and everything she wants it to be?

- Shave your cock. - Yeah.

Hold on, I think the limo is here.

You gotta be kidding me.

Man, I ain't seen this motherfucker, like, for 11 years or some shit!

Yeah, I didn't know they let people that dropped out of high school

go to prom.

You're something! You're something!

No, Crystal's still in high school.

I also didn't know they let freshmen go to prom.

Well, they gonna let us in there when Horsedick. MPEG rolls up!

I'm about to sign me a record deal!

Horsedick's got a song on the lnternet!

The lnternet. Wow.

Do you know how many motherfuckers use the lnternet?

I know a lot do.

Half of them!

I'm talking about thousands and thousands of motherfuckers, man!

And now my shit is up there! We celebrating!

- Hey, Horsedick? - .MPEG!

.MPEG, sorry.