American Housewife

- Hi! - Hey!

How's my favorite party planner?

Party planner?

I'm an event coordinator, Greg.

The people in my industry have worked tirelessly

to shed that label that diminishes us.

You called yourself a party planner at work

and someone yelled at you?

Oh, yeah. Big-time. What's all this?

Well, now that we're both working,

no one's here during the day to take Luthor out.

I tried teaching him to use the toilet.

That didn't go great.

Okay.

Just relax.

Think about pee-pee.

Now he can take himself outside

and you can focus on work.

Speaking of work,

I have to go to my boss' apartment in New York tomorrow.

- She summoned me. - Summoned?

Whitney needs to talk to you in her office right away!

Oh, my God! I'm finally going to meet her!

- Let's go. - Yeah.

Let's go.

Let's go. Come on.

Come on.

Come on, come on, come on.

- - Have a seat.

She'll be in in just a moment.

Okay.

Hi, Katie.

Hi, Whitney.

I want you to come to my place in New York

for a fun little mandatory meet-and-greet tomorrow night.

I'll tell you where to go.

Kevin! I want you to leave the room

while I give Katie the address

because you'll never be invited!

Evidently, all new hires are required to go there

and kiss the ring.

Or else.

- Or else what? - I don't know.

But it's never "or else ice cream cake," Greg.

Up until now, I've been there on a trial basis.

But when you go to New York and kiss the ring,

you're all in.

It's like I'm being made by the Mafia.

Don't worry about the kids. I got them. You go.

Thank you. You're a lifesaver.

You've earned yourself two mistakes

without me throwing it back in your face

and doing this.

Okay, Luthor. Big moment, buddy.

Go on out!

He's saving it for later.

Doesn't want to live his life all at once.

You got to respect that.

- Hey, Mrs. and Mrs. A. - Hey, Trip.

Taylor, I think you're shrinking.

Dad, this is Trip's jacket.

Yeah, I know. I was making a joke, but it...

Nobody got it, so I guess

I was just making a confusing sentence.

How was play rehearsal?

Oh, I didn't go today.

It conflicted with Trip's schedule.

Us football girlfriends love to watch our guys practice.

Babe, she's charging. Make yourself look big.

Taylor, you can't Li...

Agh! Why am I always stepping in the dog water?!

- Run! -

Taylor cannot live her life for her boyfriend.

That is the road to becoming

one of these spoiled housewives in this town

where all these women do is rely on their rich husbands.

Better than the road she's currently on,

which is straight to Fleer Beauty College

and a steady diet of Hot Pockets.

How was school today, baby?

Mm. School be school.

Buenas tardes, Mrs. and Mrs. Otto!

Hey, Cooper. How's it going?

Ooh. Mrs. Otto, you smell good!

What's the scent you're wearing?

- 409. - You should try mine.

Clive Christian Imperial Cologne.

Picked it up in Zermatt.

It's for men, but I think you can pull it off.

You know what I want to pull off?

- Your arms. - You know, over the summer,

- I really missed our little repartees. - Mm.

But I bet you really missed Oliver.

Yeah, yeah, they super missed me.

Come on, Coop, let's go to my room.

Super missed him because he was...

Away all summer yachting around the world

with his great-aunt.

- Right, with his great-aunt. - Mm.

The Duchess of Cadbury.

Uh, which one of you is related to her?

I am.

I love those creamed eggs.

That makes sense.

Cooper, go take a walk around the block.

Good idea, Mrs. Otto!

That'll give my new Patek Philippe watch

a chance to wind naturally.

- - Here is Oliver

- sailing with the Duchess. -

Where is this? Italy?

Santorini.

So is that Italy?

- Greece. - Ohh.

You Photoshopped all these?

I had to!

This is Westport.

At school, everyone gives a report

on where they went for vacation.

Where am I supposed to say I went... no place?

We went to Amish Country and made candles.

That's worse than no vacation!

It was a 19th-century adventure.

You are getting more superficial by the...

Anna-Kat is doing something weird.

She's using a small bottle of Purell

to Purell a larger bottle of Purell.

Anything happen at school today that we should know about?

Well, Dr. Ellie is still not back.

Principal Ablin said she has a medical issue,

and he's been filling in.

Oh, and I am never using the bathroom at school again.

Ever.

We've been through this.

The bathrooms at school are totally clean.

Are they?

Are they, Greg?

Apparently, you didn't know hand dryers

just blow particles of poop

back into your face!

What? That doesn't sound right.

That's what Principal Ablin said.

And he's the principal, the king of all teachers.

If I go kiss the ring,

then I am committing to this job.

But how can I do that?

How am I supposed to work a full-time job

when I already have a full-time job

making sure that our kids aren't jerks and weirdos?

Don't you worry. This is just a rough patch.

I promise you, we'll fix it,

and you'll feel good about kissing that ring.

Let me get this straight... we are going to find a way

to fix our kids by tomorrow night?

Hey, I installed a doggie door,

and I still have all my fingers.

Anything's possible.

So, I promise you, by tomorrow afternoon,

these children will, in fact, be fixed.

And that dog.

All right, then. To the hat!

We have three kids and a dog,

which equals four problems.

We each pick two, divide and conquer.

Taylor.

Luthor.

Foul. Dropped it.

Goes back in.

- You got Oliver. - Yes, I know.

Shame. But rules are rules.

Hup! Do-over.

Fine, I'll just take Oliver.

Okay.

If I always get Oliver,

I don't even know why we do the hat.

You've got Taylor and Anna-Kat.

- I've got Oliver and Luthor. - Yeah.

All right, you ready?

I wasn't ready when we had them, and I'm not ready now.

You take off that jacket and give it back to Trip.

But all the girlfriends wear their boyfriends' jackets.

Not you.

You are your own person. Take it off.

God, Mom, what's your major problem?

Your whole life cannot be about some boy.

What happens when he goes to college?

Whoa, what boy?

- Are you seeing someone else? - No, she's talking about you.

No, she said that guy was going to college.

I'm just saying,

you can't put all your eggs in Trip's basket.

Mrs. A, I understand your concerns,

but my cousin broke my Easter basket when I was 6,

so we're good.

Trip, you have to go to the bathroom really bad.

I do?

I do!

You need a life outside of Trip.

So, from now on, you are gonna put your interests first.

Maybe you should focus on someone other than me