Fifty Pills

Ha, Hi. Uh, I...I hate myself.

Leave a message.

Darren, you dumb son of a bitch,

stop wallowing in self-pity and wake up.

Christ. All right, look,

I'm on my way to Philly for the weekend.

Lindsay's being a bitch about something.

Somebody told her I banged her older sister,

which I did, but it was while we broke up for that week in September.

I don't know why she's so pissed about it.

I've got to head down there before she goes ballistic.

But, uh, back to my point. I--

Ha. Hi.

I, uh...I hate myself.

Leave a message.

Darren, you dip-shit,

I know you're still sleeping, so wake up.

I found a way for your ass to stay in school.

Okay, man, look, I felt kind of bad

about the whole thing

with the alcohol violation in your scholarship.

You're the one that threw the party, asshole.

I'm the one who threw the party, and I'm the asshole.

I know. So I guess you could say

this is my way of making it up to you.

Okay?

Now look on my desk.

There are 50 pills of Ecstasy

and one of my pagers.

Now, you have to remember,

there's no voice mail on that one,

so the numbers are gonna come straight through.

Okay?

Look, exams are over, my man,

and you know some--

What the fuck are you talking about, Coleman?

I can't do this! Sure you can.

I'm not like you. I'm not a fucking drug dealer.

What are you thinking? Are you crazy?

Darren, you'll do fine.

But, uh...no! There's--

No. No buts.

I am gonna fucking get arrested!

Look, man, it's only one day,

and no one's gonna notice you.

I have to turn in a paper on Dante's Infern today.

Look, man, I got to go.

You're breaking up here really bad.

Listen, hang in there, buddy. Bye.

Don't you fucking hang up. Coleman!

I can't do this. I'm not gonna do this.

Fuck!

Holy shit.

I hate you, Coleman!

* Love song, no end

* So the guilt is the bi-i-itch *

* Yes, it does end

* Getting hard to just make ends *

* Oh, I see it workin'

* You and me, we're hurtin' *

* All the time, we'll whisper *

* Just a sing song, sing song sung *

* General bleedin'

* It's this bust you're feelin' *

* So you're screamin'

* All the words you're feelin' *

* Can't you see it workin'? *

* You and me we're hurtin' *

* All the time we'll whisper *

* Just the sing song sing song sung *

* General bleedin'

* It's this bust you're feelin' *

* So you're screamin'

* What you've been feelin'

* Can't you see it workin'? *

* You and me, we've been hurtin' *

* All the time, we'll whisper *

* Just a sing song sing song sung *

* Just a sing song sing song sung *

* Just a sing song sing song sung *

* Just a sing song sing song sung *

* Just a sing song sing song sung *

My first year at college. It's about damn time.

That's what you're supposed to say, right?

Within 10 minutes, I met my roommate Coleman.

From the first time I saw him,

I knew I'd never met anybody like him.

Yo, yo. Green Day.

What the fuck? Does this look like my bathroom?

What are you gonna do next, shit on my bed?

Yo, man, sorry.

Yeah. Don't be sorry.

Just fix it. It's simple.

Hey, what's up, man? I'm Coleman.

I didn't know if I wanted to know anybody like him.

Made me wonder why his parents sent movers

instead of coming by themselves.

Now, mine--mine wanted to.

Just they really couldn't take the time off of work.

Waah!

Do well, son.

First time away from home?

Yeah. I went to camp, though, once.

You ever had international phone sex?

What?

Man, hold that thought.

Uh, do you smoke?

Hell, yeah. I'm from North Carolina. Come on.

I grew up on these things.

Hmm.

That's okay. Enjoy.

You can't imagine how rad it is

to get off while talking

to some chick on another continent

who's getting off,

and sometimes in a language

that you don't even speak.

Kicks ass.

I was impressed.

It was either that moment or somewhere near it

that Coleman became my new personal hero.

It's like this:

if you act like the fuckin' man,

and you think you're the fuckin' man,

then nothing is gonna make

that other schmuck looking up to you

think that you're not the fuckin' man.

Everything in life involves a little creativity.

It literally took Coleman about five minutes--

No, no, no, no. Four minutes, 15 seconds, please.

Four minutes, 15 seconds, to realize

that we had to have a moving-in party.

The best way to have a good party is--

To fucking advertise.

New York! I'm here, bitches!

Bitches!

Apparently, summer internships

at his father's multimillion-dollar PR firm

really paid off.

Yeah, you know that's what I'm packin'.

Dude.

What?

Dude, they pretend they don't like it.

They fuckin' love it.

You know, I--I--I doubt it.

Why do you think they come here?

Same reason you did.

To learn?

* The ridiculous one

* San Francisco guzzle and customer *

* Nicknamed trouble girl

* Tossed our bubbles are bust *

* Welcome back to the cave

* Where the cavemen bathe

* And the college girls go wild *

* Nipples look like erasers *

Yeah. Welcome.

Okay, everybody, let's go! Party's over. Come on.

Make sure you take cabs.

I know. It's stupid, really stupid.

This is what I realized

that Coleman should be no one's personal hero.

See, what we failed to realize

was that if we write about the party

on every wipe board in the dorm,

the R.A.s are gonna see it, too.

"Darren Giles." Welcome to college.

We're gonna have to write you guys up.

No, you don't have to, um...

Check, check, three checks.

It's a lot of checks.

You guys are like a couple of Germans.

I don't even know what that means.

You see, what happened is, uh...

we invited this guy that lives on our hall

to come over and just hang out,

and it just got outrageous. I don't know what happened.

Could this have had anything to do with it?

"You're not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy,

"so get your ass down to Room 315 tonight

and meet the real Tin Man?"

Well, he--he looks happy.

Ahem.

And how about this?

That, uh, that belongs to Coleman.

I made that thing with some friends in high school.

It's just for show.

I drink out of glasses.

I would never use that.

You and your roommate are going on probation.

On probation?

Probation.

W-What do you want to do next?

You want to put a collar around my nut sack?

Yes, sir?

Felicia,

bring a collar for his nut sack.

And you're going on probation today.

You're going on probation

as of two minutes after you leave here,