Friends

Hey, Pheebs, I'm having dinner with my dad tomorrow. Wanna come?

Sure, yeah, he's kind of sexy.

Oh, no, I'll be there too.

Okay, so we'll just come up with a signal. If it's going well, you can take off.

No, Phoebe, I just need you there for support.

- I haven't told him I'm pregnant yet. - Oh. Why not?

Because I know he's gonna flip out and I hate it when he gets angry.

Oh, Rachel. This is all so "Papa Don't Preach."

No, Pheeb, wait, he's a scary guy. I mean, one time he caught me smoking.

He said if he ever saw me doing that again, he would make me eat the entire pack.

- Wow. Well, I will be there. - Okay.

Gosh, I'm not gonna let that man make you eat your baby.

Oh. Hey, who is that guy? I think I know him.

- No, you don't. - No, you don't.

Oh, my God. Monica, he's the stripper from your bachelorette party.

Her what?

Your secret bachelorette party.

- You had a bachelorette party? - She untied his G-string with her teeth.

Somebody stop me.

I thought we weren't gonna have bachelor, bachelorette parties.

You know, we agreed that it's a silly tradition.

It's a grand tradition.

I'm sorry. They surprised me. There was nothing I could do.

Well, you could have untied it with your hands.

This is so unfair.

The one thing I wanted to do was throw my best friend a bachelor party...

...but, oh, I wasn't allowed to. All we got was a stupid steak dinner.

You went home with the waitress.

Ha. Yeah, that was a good night.

I can't believe you didn't tell me.

You know that the two pillars of marriage are openness and honesty.

Ugh. I knew giving you that book was gonna come back and bite me in the ass.

How about I order everyone the Moroccan chicken?

Oh, I don't eat meat.

It's chicken.

- Yeah, I don't eat that either. - I'll never understand you lesbians.

- So, baby, tell me, what is new with you? - Well, actually, um...

- Ahem. Your '74 Lafite, sir. - Seventy-four?

I ordered the '75. That's a magnificent wine. The '74 is sewage.

Why would you bring me sewage?

Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot? Is that why you're a waiter?

This is why I told the manager I wouldn't wait on you tonight.

Oh, come on. Don't be such a baby.

In case you didn't notice, that is a scary man.

He's right, though. The '74 is absolute piss.

This was such a huge mistake. I can't tell him, Phoebe. I can't.

- Rachel... - No, it's okay. This is what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna wait a couple of years and then the baby will tell him.

- Why? So he can get mad at the baby? - Hey, that is the baby's problem.

- Oh. Everything okay with the waiter? - I have no idea. I went to the bathroom.

So, sweetie, you were starting to tell me what is, uh...? What is new with you?

Well...

Um...

I got TiVo.

- What's TiVo? - It's slang for "pregnant."

Phoebe.

Are you really pregnant?

Well, uh, yes and no.

Except, not no.

So to sum it up, yeah.

Who is the father? Oh, no. Please don't tell me it's her.

No, it's Ross. It's Ross. You like Ross.

Oh, Daddy, I hope you're okay with all this.

I mean, think about it, this is a good thing. This is your first grandchild.

You're gonna be a poppy.

That's true. I'm a poppy.

I'm gonna be a poppy.

- So when is the wedding? - The who?

The wedding. There's going to be a wedding.

Young lady, don't you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is gonna be a bastard.

Rachel Karen Green, tell me there's gonna be a wedding.

February 2nd.

So it was cool seeing you lecture today.

Oh, thanks. Although it seemed like you were falling asleep there a little.

Oh, no, I had my eyes closed so I could concentrate and take it all in.

Yeah, a lot of my students do that.

- So, um, I gotta get going. - Okay, I'll see you tonight?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Oh, hey, thanks again for showing me your semi-precious stone collection.

It was amazing.

My God, you must be good in bed.

So you and Mona. It's been a while now. How's it going?

Uh, it's good. It's going good.

I mean, we get along great. She's so...

- Hot? - Well, I was gonna say sweet, but yeah.

And she's okay with Rachel and the baby?

Well, I haven't actually told her yet. I don't wanna scare her off.

Well, you have to be honest with her...

...otherwise you may think that you're going down the same path...

...but you're really going down different ones.

I'm gonna take that book and I'm gonna beat you to death with it.

Oh, my God, you are gonna love me so much.

I felt really bad about the whole bachelorette party thing, so tonight...

...you're gonna have a bachelor party. - What?

Yeah, I got this number from this guy at work...

...and I hired a stripper to come dance for you.

Am I going in the wife hall of fame or what?

Honey, that's crazy, I don't you to get me a stripper.

Will you let the lady talk?

Come on. Come on, it'll be fun. It'll make me feel so much better.

Look, I appreciate it, but, uh, it's a little creepy, you know?

I'm not a bachelor anymore.

So don't think of it as a bachelor party.

Think of it as a two-month anniversary present.

Sure. One year is paper, but two months is lap dance.

Please, I feel so bad. Just watch the hot woman get naked.

- Fine, but I'm only doing this for you. - Yeah.

And Joey.

Thank you. Now, who else do you wanna invite?

Uh, no, no, no. Just Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough.

Uh, actually, sorry, I can't even make it. I'm seeing Mona again tonight.

I understand. Who would cancel an actual date just to go to a fake bachelor party?

I'm sorry. I gotta cancel tonight, baby.

I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to your imaginary wedding...

...but I'm really busy that day.

I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.

I know, I know. I panicked. I panicked.

I didn't want him to start yelling at me like I was some '74 Latour.

It's Lafite.

The '74 Latour is actually drinking quite nicely.

All right, here he comes. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna tell him. I'm gonna be strong.

- I just called a friend of mine. - Yeah.

I think I may be able to book the Plaza on short notice.

Really?

The Plaza?

Oh, Daddy.

- Right. Daddy, I need to talk to you please. - What is it, sweetie?

There's not gonna be a wedding. Ross and I are not getting married.

- I'm sorry, Daddy. - I don't believe this.

Daddy, stay calm, please.

Stay calm? How do you expect me to stay calm?

This is unacceptable, Rachel. And I wanna know why.

Is it because that punk Ross won't marry you?

- That's it. Is that it? - Yes. He says I'm damaged goods.

So, you, uh, nervous about getting married?

What are you doing?

Look, let's pretend it's a real bachelor party, okay?

You know, before your wedding. It'll be more fun.

All right. I can't believe tomorrow's the big day.

How's it feel knowing you're never gonna be with another woman again, huh?

Knowing you're gonna have to wake up to the same face every day...

...until you finally have the sweet release of death.

You're right. This is more fun.

That's her. Okay, come on.

- Hi. - Hi.

So which one of you lucky boys is Chandler?

Uh, that's me.

That's me.

Joey Tribbiani. Big fan.

- So is that a bedroom? - Yeah, yeah, right over there.

All right. Whenever you're ready.

That was weird.

- Why would she go in the bedroom? I'm waiting.

- So she's a... - Yep, that's one naked hooker.

I love your place. Where is this guy from?

Uh, that's an 18th-century Indian artifact from Calcutta.

Oh. Wow.

So you're more than just dinosaurs.

- So much more. - Mm.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

Ah, forget it. It's from Pier 1.

Sorry.

You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?

I ought to kill you.

You know, this is actually not a great time for me.

So come on. Explain yourself, Geller.

- First you get my Rachel pregnant... - You got Rachel pregnant?