Nip/Tuck - Fifth Season

Previously on Nip/Tuck...

Sean McNamara, you are the new star of Hearts'n Scalpels!

Sean McNamara is sexy and vulnerable,

so you're gonna be seeing a lot more scenes like this Hearts'n Scalpels.

I made some fruitcake. It's sort of a peace offering.

So tell me, what exactly does a fluffer of your caliber do?

I got N.G.U.

That means I gave it to you.

Look me in the eyes and tell me you're not attracted to me.

- I am attracted to you. - I love her,

and there's nothing you can do about it.

- Ava's a man. - Want a drink?

You got a goddamn dick. I'm not gay! OK?! I'm not into that!

Is that a swastika on it?

I'm not a nazi, Matt, but I am a purist.

The Tech works, Matt.

You just gotta trust it.

Married?

Matt and I exchanged our vows 3 days ago.

I never loved you, Matt.

I told you I did, but I lied.

I'm Rachel Ben Natan, your burn rehabilitation counselor.

I'm here to assist you.

Season 5 Episode 13 August Walden

Hey, listen to this.

"Hearts'n Scalpels has sunk to a new low.

What was once a mildly interesting melodrama

has now replaced its sole charismatic player, Aidan Stone,

with the Milquetoast Dr. Sean Mcnamara.

While Stone does the requisite Hollywood star turn in rehab,

Mcnamara ruins the Rome that he built.

He's so dull as Dr. Peter Casey, the best thing I can say

is that watching him is a cure for insomnia,

or maybe he's the answer to global warming,

for soon televisions around the nation will go dark."

Oh, my God. I am so glad that I took that

out of the lobby before Sean got to see it.

Let me look at this thing.

"And I'm not yet speaking of Mcnamara's abilities as an actor.

I can't get past the face, or should I say cardboard box

on shoulders, a puddle of muddy water, a jellyfish without the sting?

My only wish is that he turn that scalpel on himself.

Perhaps a scar could bring some character to that

brown paper bag Mcnamara calls a head."

- What are you reading? - Oh, eh... Nothing.

Um, is your 10:00 here?

August Walden's review of Hearts'n Scalpels

in Entertainment Weekly.

Guess he doesn't like me very much.

You are very handsome, Sean,

and Walden doesn't like anybody.

He said that James Gandolfini looked like a scrotum with legs.

If you're gonna be a TV star, buddy boy,

you're gonna have to get a thick skin about this kind of stuff.

Yeah, you're right.

- I'll see you in the consult. - All right.

- What? - You know what.

Oh, come on, man.

Who gives a crap what some jealous loser wannabe says?

If it makes you feel better,

just get a good review and read it 10 times over.

That's what I do on the odd occasion some sexy lady

declines to do the horizontal shuffle with me.

I fill my dance card with 10 more.

You've never had anyone tell you your head looks like a brown paper bag.

True.

Oh, come on. You're a good-looking guy.

I'll take this consult.

You go get yourself some ice cream or a lollipop or somethin'.

Synchro: _/Yellow Sub\_

Synchro: Metalmarco::ITA-SA::

She was over at our house the other day, you know.

Falafel face?

Yeah. She and Matt were locked in his room for a couple of hours.

"Locked in his room" locked in his room?

Sounded like it.

I didn't hear any talking.

Oh. Hey, guys.

What are you guys doin'over there?

These are all the surgeries we've performed on Rachel.

6 of them. Can you tell a difference?

A little.

You're bein'too generous.

We have relieved most of her pain, given her cheekbones

some definition, and restored about 60% of her sense of smell.

Otherwise, she looks exactly the same.

What's your point?

The point is she's never gonna look any better than this.

- Right. And looks are all that matter. - Of course not.

I'm just gonna say it, all right? I don't care if she shits solid gold.

You can't underestimate the burden that comes with dating somebody like this.

You two are unbelievable. She nursed me through my recovery.

She made me feel I was actually worth something.

- Are you wearing rubbers with her? - Why?

Because you're a perfect catch for a girl like this.

She forgets to take her pill and you're trapped for the rest of your life.

- You guys are such assholes. - Matt, wait.

Matt, you were vulnerable when you met her.

You just got out of one bad relationship.

We don't want you getting buried in another one.

No, you just don't want your son dating

some girl who's walking proof that you two aren't gods,

that you can't make everyone look perfect.

You guys have been messin'with people's faces

for so long that I don't even think you know what ugly looks like anymore.

Miss Lowell, tell me what you don't like about yourself.

You're sweet.

No one's ever pretended not to notice before.

But call me Emme.

If there's one thing I've learned in this business,

It's not to assume. So tell me, you want a nose job?

When I first saw your picture online, I didn't think you'd be so funny.

I like it.

Makes the plane trip out here even more worthwhile.

So where are you from? South carolina?

Please. I'm a Jersey girl, born and raised.

Guess we both have the same sense of humor, huh?

Actually, I'm from Cleveland, Georgia.

It's a tiny, little town in the smoky mountains up north.

This is my first time travelin'away from home, if youcan believe it.

I think I'm afraid of flying, too.

Yet you got on a plane for the first time ever

and came all the way out here for a consult.

Why?

You're the doctor who set up the Hedda Grubman fund, right?

Well, I don't have a lot of money,

and when I went on Google and typed in "free plasticsurgery,"

your name came up and said you do cases like mine for no pay.

Well, you know, where birth defects are involved.

Technically what you have is called naevus flammeus.

It's where the, uh, deep dilated capillaries, uh,

cause the skin to turn a reddish purple.

It's really more of birthmark

than a skin defect.

It's actually quite common. One in 3,000 newborns have it.

Not like this, they don't.

The procedure involves several laser treatments.

I know you flew all the way out here,

but I really have a very long waiting list right now.

A waitin'list? I've waited 24 years. I spent all I had just

To get out here, and then the cab ride from the airport

cost almost as much as the plane.

You ever read The Scarlet Letter , Dr. Troy?

In college, yes.

That's what my mom used to call this, her scarlet letter,

Said it was the shame she had to bear for havin'me

with some one-night stand. But it's not just her.

I've never been a ccepted by anyone my whole life because of this face.

That's the real reason I never left home until now.

And now that I'm here, I can't go back lookin'like this.

I won't.

You know, when August Walde gave me my first review,

I ate an entire box of those,

even the kinds with sprinkles, which I don't even love,

and a half a tray of sausages.

I was so bloated I couldn't get my costume zipped

After my lunchtime coma. It was ridiculous.

So this is what this does? Rips people to shreds?

Yeah. Let's see. Uh," the dreary Kate Tinsley brings

to mind a sullen coonhound."

Uh,"her body resembles that of a butternut squash,

and her speech pattern makes me wonder

if she hasn't yet swallowed her breakfast kibble."

Yeah. Emblazoned on my brain forever.

I hope you've got some of your good reviews memorized as well.

Yeah, well, the good ones, you forget.

The bad ones are forever. Ahem.

You learn to live with it, you know.

I mean, being in the spotlight, you, um...

You're asking people to weigh in on what you look like.

What you can avoid is choosing a lover

who looks at you with a critic's eye.

So, where does this guy live?

Who knows? Maybe one night I'll get hammered

and show up at his door and take him out.

Actually he always hangs out at that coffee shop over on Riverside.

Sits there all day long typing on his computer.

Of course no one wants to confront him.

Everyone's so scared of his scathing tongue.

You know, you seem like you're in a good place.

I'm sorry about everything.

I hope we can be friends.

Yeah, we're good.

On one condition. You actuallydo it.

Go to the coffee shop. Rip the guy a new one

on behalf of actors everywhere

and record it on your cellphone so I can watch it over and over again.

- It's not really my style. - Really?

Milquetoast? "His face looks like a cardboard box

on shoulders,

a," um, "puddle ofmuddy water." Um, "jellyfish

Without the sting."

You gonna let that go?

Puddle of muddy water.

Here's your double espresso, mr. Walden.

August Walden?

Have we met?

Not officially.

I'm the puddle of muddy water which

can only evoke yawns from the audience.