2 Broke Girls

Got a marriage proposal in the diner.

Where they gonna honeymoon... a Porta-Potty?

That's the saddest thing I ever seen,

and I was at a Rolling Stones concert last night.

The guy wants me to put this ring her pie.

'Cause you know what they say...

If you like it, then you gotta put a ring in it.

Well, this is a first.

A guy left me a half a tuna sandwich as a tip.

Which is still more than Europeans leave.

There's a proposal at table 40,

and you have to do it.

I already delivered a baby in here today.

Well, they've obviously been dating a while,

'cause she's eating carbs in front of him.

Caroline is so happy right now.

She still believes in all that love crap.

Uh, she also believes table 14 is table 40.

Here's your pie.

I have a feeling this dessert is gonna be extra-sweet.

It's an engagement ring!

He hid it in the pie!

Yes! Yes, I'll marry you.

I know I said I was cool with waiting,

but I wasn't cool with it!

Yep. She messed up. This isn't yours.

Um... again. I'm cool with waiting.

And for you two, pie on the house,

and I'm guessing a very tense cab ride home.

Where's Earl? He isn't here yet,

and I'm worried.

Wait... it's not a black holiday, is it?

Earl better not be dead, or I'll kill him.

We have a joint suicide pact.

We smoke a joint and then we kill ourselves.

He's probably just late. Don't overreact.

That's exactly what Janine at 911 said ten minutes ago

when I overreacted with her!

You called 911?

When I came home three hours late last night,

you had already put all my stuff out on the street.

Hi, everybody!

Wait a minute... where's Earl?

It's not as much fun walking in here

if he's not down there looking up at my boobs.

He's late.

Late?

Oh... I'm sorry, Max.

I know you two were close.

See? That's the kind of sympathy I was looking for

from you and Janine.

Sophie, what's with those needles?

Oh, yeah... I'm getting ready to shoot up.

Sophie's starting her fertility shots today.

Before long, we'll be parents.

Look out, PTA meetings...

I'll bring the P. She'll bring the T&A.

All right, come on, Oleg. I'm ready for my first shot.

Come on, let's go to the ladies' room

so you can poke me real good.

You're not poking her anywhere in here.

Thanks to you, the handicap stall is a condom graveyard!

Sophie, you know I'm only afraid of two things...

needles and Kenny Rogers after the eyelift.

He did not know when to fold 'em.

Someone else will have to give you your shots.

Well, I guess I could do it.

Roll up your sleeve.

Okay, yeah.

I'll roll up my sleeve... and then pull down my Spanx,

'cause you gotta put it where the sun don't shine, baby.

Uh... this is a little awkward, but Sophie,

I was unaware I'd be injecting your badonkadonk.

Okay, Han.

Take my hand...

That's right. Mm-hmm.

That's real good. All right, come on.

And I'm gonna take you now

to show you your first lady butt.

Now, there's a heart-warming tableau

that Norman Rockwell somehow missed.

Hello, ladies.

Earl! I'm so glad you're alive.

You always go straight to dead, Max.

But thanks for sending the paramedics.

I needed help finding my Apple TV remote.

I was stuck on the phone with Barry

from my old jazz band The Early Birds.

You may have read about us in "Never Made It" magazine.

Caroline and I were on the cover last week.

He told me they're holding an anniversary show

down at Ruby's,

and The Early Birds are invited to perform

on Friday night.

Earl!

One of my dreams is to hear you play live.

And the other one already happened...

breakfast all day at McDonald's.

Well, I hate to burst your McMuffin, Max,

but that ain't gonna happen,

'cause I'm not invited to play.

Ruby doesn't want me there.

Ruby hates Earl.

Well, then Max hates Ruby.

Oh! What happened between you and Ruby?

Was it a crazy love affair?

Mm-hmm. We were hot.

Oh! An amour fou?

No, it was a-more I fooled around with her sister.

Look! Earl and The Early Birds!

- Where'd you get that? - I went down the street

to Smart & Vinyl.

12.95.

You spent 12.95 on Earl's record,

but you wouldn't lend me 25¢ for a latte yesterday?

Look, we gotta do something about Earl.

He deserves to play at that jazz club.

I mean, he is the only one at this diner

who has a chance to make it.

I appreciate your enthusiasm, but of all of us here,

you think the 80-year-old has the brightest future?

For as long as I've known Earl,

all he talked about is how proud he was of that band.

And that Ruby woman

is denying him the chance to play again?

Not on my watch.

If I own one.

Which... I do not.

We are going down to that club

and talk some sense into Ruby,

because Earl would do the same for us if we had any talent.

I just have to ask...

you do think we're gonna get out of here one day.

Oh, for sure!

In body bags.

Wow, this place is the real deal!

All the jazz greats sang here.

Look... Ella Fitzgerald, Sarah Vaughan, Nina Simone.

You know, there was a moment when I wanted to be...

Was there ever a moment when you wanted to be quiet?

Scotch on the house, please.

Normally, I don't drink in the afternoon,

but it's still morning.

I'll have a Lillet.

I hear it was Billie Holiday's poison.

You know, there was a moment when I was...

That moment's over.

Sir, we're here to see Ruby.

Who wants to see Ruby?

She's coming in real hot, Max.

Maybe this isn't a good idea.

There's only one old woman who scares me,

and his name is Steven Tyler.

I'm Ruby.

Well... if it isn't

"Miss doesn't invite people to stuff."

Who's also known as Miss Very, Very Pretty.

I don't need someone to tell me that I'm pretty.

That's what I told Roy Orbison

when he wrote "Pretty Woman for me.

What do you little girls want?

We're friends of Earl.

- Of Earl? - You know, Earl.

From The Early Birds.

You know, the guy who put this club on the map.

Oh, that Earl!

He's a bum!

Girl, you better check yourself!

No one says anything bad about my Earl.

Your Ear... Well, I prefer not to go to jail

for murdering Earl's girlfriend, but...

it's not that strong a preference.

Here, hold my hoops!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Max isn't Earl's girlfriend.

He's more like a father-figure to her.

More like a great-grandfather figure!

He's both! Hold my hoops!

Everybody calm down, take a beat.

A jazzy beat, of course.

I only have two questions for you...

Why is she so upset?

And what the hell is a jazzy beat?

I'm upset because I know Earl helped build this club,

and he wasn't invited to play your anniversary show.

That's right... 'cause he's a bum!

Hold my hoops again!

That no-good, two-timin' musical genius

will never set foot in my club while I'm alive.

Here, hold my hoops while I unstrap the pistol on my shoe.

Ruby, come on, can't you just let him play?

I mean, he's just a cashier at a diner now.

What'd you just call him?

Earl is more than just a cashier.

That is his job, not what he is.

How dare you!

Yeah, how dare she!

Both: Hold my hoops!

Hold your hoops! I'm sorry.

He's not a cashier. He's a musical genius.