Tales from the Crypt

OH, HI THERE, FRIGHT FIENDS.

HOW DO YOU LIKE MY RANCID RENDERING?

NOT BAD FOR AN AMATEUR.

HOPEFULLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU AN INKLING

OF WHAT TONIGHT'S FUNGUSY PHOTOPLAY IS ABOUT,

BECAUSE LONG BEFORE MY EERIE OFFERINGS APPEARED

ON YOUR SILVER SCREEN,

THEY WERE A MAGAZINE CALLED--

GET A LOAD OF THIS--

TALES FROM THE CRYPT.

TONIGHT, LET'S TAKE A BEHIND-THE-SCREAMS LOOK

AT A STRUGGLING ARTIST NAMED JIM KORMAN

WHO ONE DAY GOT A LITTLE TOO DRAWN INTO HIS WORK.

[TEMPTATIONS' JUST MY IMAGINATIONBEGINS]

[TEMPTATIONS' JUST MY IMAGINATIONBEGINS]

Man: SAME TO YOU, RUDY.

JIM, HOW ARE YOU DOING

ONCORPSE-EATERS FROM PLUTO?

TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK.

AREN'T YOU DONE YET, KORMAN?

I FIGURED YOU'D BE HALFWAY THROUGH

THE DISEMBOWELMENT BY NOW.

HEY, BOB, I GOT ANOTHER STORY IDEA.

THE OWNER OF A MINIATURE GOLF COURSE

KILLS HIS WIFE, PROPS HER MOUTH OPEN,

AND USES HER FOR THE 16th HOLE.

BETTER STILL, SOME LITTLE OLD LADY

IS CLEANING OUT HER REFRIGERATOR

AND COMES ACROSS HER LONG-DEAD BOYFRIEND.

A DOCTOR HAS TO TAKE OUT HIS OWN APPENDIX!

A BUTCHER'S GOTTA EAT HIS OWN SHORT RIBS.

GIVE IT A REST, WILL YOU GUYS?

I'M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE.

DO IT ON YOUR OWN TIME. WE HAVE A MAGAZINE TO PUT OUT HERE.

WHAT'S SO HARD ABOUT DRAWING CORPSE-EATERS, ANYHOW?

I DON'T KNOW. THERE'S SOMETHING TRICKY ABOUT THIS.

I CAN'T SEEM TO GET IT RIGHT.

OH, NO.

OH, NO.

IS THAT MY PHONE?

THAT'S MY PHONE.

THAT'S MY PHONE.

HI, HONEY.

DON'T "HI, HONEY" ME, YOU POMPOUS JACKASS, THIS IS SATURDAY.

WHEN DO YOU PLAN ON COMING HOME?

I'VE GOT TO FINISH THIS EDITION.

BULL SNOT! YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, MR. WEEKEND WORKAHOLIC.

YOU GOT A BLONDE BIMBO STASHED AWAY SOMEPLACE,

AND WHEN I FIND HER, I'M GONNA RIP HER CUTE LITTLE POWDERED FACE OFF.

IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT YOU GOTTA DRAW THESE DUMB CARTOONS

INSTEAD OF GETTING A REAL JOB,

BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN KEEP YOUR PAWS OFF THE SECRETARIES

IN THIS GODDAMNED OFFICE!

HONEY, THE SECRETARIES ARE OFF TODAY.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT A DISASTER THIS MARRIAGE WOULD BE.

TO THINK I GAVE THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE,

AND FOR WHAT?

A STINGY, TWO-TIMING LOSER.

YOU CAN'T EVEN GIVE ME CHILDREN.

YOU LITTLE WIMP!

THE DOCTOR SAYS THAT CAN BE

EITHER ONE OF US.

EITHER ONE OF US.

I'M TAKING THE PILLS.

YOU MEAN THESE PILLS?

POTENCY PLUS, THE MALE ANSWER TO INFERTILITY?

Do we have to talk about this now?

YOU FORGOT TO TAKE YOUR PILL THIS MORNING, LOVE NUTS.

WHEN I COUNTED THEM, THERE WAS 24 INSTEAD OF 23.

YOU COUNTED THE PILLS?

DAMN RIGHT.

YOU WANT TO KICK-START MILDRED JUNIOR HERE,

YOU HAVE TO TAKE A PILL EVERY SINGLE MORNING.

THESE ARE EXPERIMENTAL.

THEY HAVEN'T BEEN APPROVED BY THE FDA.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE SIDE EFFECTS.

WHAT SIDE EFFECTS?

IT'S LIKE IT'S MAKING MY IMAGINATION FERTILE.

I THINK IT'S AFFECTING MY BRAIN.

GOOD.

MAYBE YOU'LL DO A DECENT DAY'S WORK FOR A CHANGE.

MAYBE YOU'LL DO A DECENT DAY'S WORK FOR A CHANGE.

MAYBE YOU NEED A NEW HUSBAND.

MAYBE YOU NEED A NEW HUSBAND.

YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?

GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO PROD

SOME LITTLE CUTIE FROM THE TYPING POOL.

WELL, FORGET IT, JIMBO.

YOU'RE STUCK WITH ME...

TILL DEATH DO US PART.

TILL DEATH DO US PART.

What a monster.

What a monster.

DAMN IT.

DAMN IT.

JESUS!

DID I SCARE YOU, LADY?

DO YOU WORK HERE?

NO, MA'AM.

I JUST HAPPENED ON BY.

LISTEN, COULD YOU TAKE A LOOK IN THE BACK?

MAYBE IT'S A BLOWN FUSE OR SOMETHING.

NO USE, MA'AM.

THE WHOLE BOX IS SHORTED OUT.

YOU ALREADY LOOKED?

LOOKED?

HELL, I DID IT.

DON'T LIKE IT AS MUCH

WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE ON.

WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE ON.

ARE YOU GOING TO HURT ME?

YES, MA'AM. I'M AFRAID SO.

YES, MA'AM. I'M AFRAID SO.

NOW, LOOK, UH...

YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE HERE, PAL.

OH? WHY'S THAT?

BECAUSE...I'M A COP.

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT,

AT THE DIME STORE?

AT THE DIME STORE?

OW.

THAT BRUCE LEE SHIT IS GONNA COST YOU, BABE.

[WASHING MACHINE KNOCKING]

[WASHING MACHINE KNOCKING]

LAUNDRY'S DONE.

LAUNDRY'S DONE.

OH, MY GOD. BEHIND YOU.

LADY, IF YOU THINK I'M GOING TO FALL FOR THAT--

NO.

THAT'S THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK.

AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

[CREATURE GRUNTING AND PANTING]

[CREATURE GRUNTING AND PANTING]

Man: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY.

Second Man: YOU GOT EVERYTHING?

YEAH, YEAH. THE HEAD'S IN THE BAG.

OK, LET'S GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

ALL RIGHT. READY?

WHAT ABOUT LUNCH?

COME ON, WATCH YOUR BACK.

YEAH. OK. COMING THROUGH.

YEAH. OK. COMING THROUGH.

JESUS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

A MONSTER EMERGED FROM THE WASHING MACHINE

AND GOBBLED UP THE ASSAILANT.

THAT'S RIGHT, SIR.

AND YOU LEFT THE PREMISES AFTER IT SPAT THE HEAD OUT.

WELL, ACTUALLY--

HEY, YOU BETTER HAVE THAT UNIFORM

CLEANED AND PRESSED BY TOMORROW MORNING.

THE CAPTAIN WILL WANT TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU.

I AM A COP, PHIL.

I DON'T DRINK OFF DUTY,

AND I DON'T MAKE UP CRAZY STORIES!

NEITHER DID THE MAN WHO SAW A 2-HEADED OGRE LAST WEEK,

OR THE HOUSEWIFE WHO FOUND A DINOSAUR IN HER VOLKSWAGEN.

THIS WAS REAL, PHIL. HONEST!

HAVE IT YOUR WAY,

BUT IF THERE WAS A MONSTER,

I'VE GOT ONE THING TO SAY ABOUT IT.

HE'S GOT ONE HELL OF AN OVERBITE.

HE'S GOT ONE HELL OF AN OVERBITE.

HEY, HARRIS.

HI, LORELEI.

HI, LORELEI.

A MONSTER WITH AN OVERBITE.

A MONSTER WITH AN OVERBITE.

A 2-HEADED OGRE...

AND A DINOSAUR IN A VOLKSWAGEN.

AND A DINOSAUR IN A VOLKSWAGEN.

JIM KORMAN.

JIM KORMAN.

HEY, YOU GOING TO PAY FOR THOSE?

HEY, YOU GOING TO PAY FOR THOSE?

I GOT IT. I GOT IT. SO WE'LL DO A STORY ABOUT A RABID DOG, SEE,

BUT FROM THE DOG'S POINT OF VIEW,

WITH FOAM DRIBBLING AROUND THE MARGINS.

AND LITTLE FLEAS JUMPING OFF THE PAGE.

UGH.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT. JIM KORMAN.

HI, HONEY.

UH, YEAH, I'M STILL WORKING.

YES, YES, I TOOK THE PILL.

UH, NO, THE SECRETARIES HAVE ALL GONE HOME.