The Suite Life on Deck

Man, I love london.

Would you stop? She's never going to date you.

I was talking about the city.

But I'd love to take a tour of the other london too.

Sorry to rain on your parade,

but she's very picky about the guys that she dates.

- You gotta be rich. - I'm rich.

You gotta be tall.

I'm rich.

Well, it looks like that guy's both.

So how do you clean your moat?

We use that white round thingy on the side

that turns the water blue.

We use that too--

ever since our alligator ate the moat boy.

Hi, guys. Have you met the lord?

Well, once I ran my bike into a tree,

and I saw this bright white light and I wasn't quite sure

- if it was the lord-- - ohhhhh!

Not that lord. This lord.

Lord hartley wicket. He's 25th in line for the throne.

Oh, that happens all the time when they have the buffet.

You can use the employee throne back here, if you like.

There's a sign about washing your hands, but it's just a suggestion.

So what would you like?

- From you? Nothing. - Ugh.

Well, enough chit-chat with the unwashed masses.

I'll pick you up after my football match.

Oooh, I like football-- shoulder pads and makeup.

So, uh, what do you play? "Uptight" end?

I'm not talking about that wimpy offspring of rugby

you colonists call football. I'm talking about

what you yanks call soccer.

Whatever. Look, everybody knows

that the best sport is hoops.

- Mm-hmm. - Really?

I'm quite a good hoops player myself.

Maybe we should play a little two on two.

You guys against me and my boarding-school chum

snively snodgrass.

Well, you're on.

This is so exciting! The ugly Americans versus the englanders.

- You're American. - Not for tax purposes.

I wish Cody would hurry up.

There's so many incredible things I want to see in london.

Cheerio, old chums.

Why are you dressed like my grandmother's loveseat?

I thought we'd stop by the Sherlock Holmes exhibition.

I am the President of the Boston chapter of his fanclub--

the Sherlock holmies.

No offense, but you sure-lock stupid.

How long is this going to take? I want to go

to Buckingham Palace and see the changing of the guard.

Relax, the queue is moving.

See?

While you stand in the "q," I gotta go "p."

Oh, save my spot.

Or don't. I really don't care.

Man, these guys sure dress up to watch a basketball game.

Oh dear, by "hoops"

you obviously thought I meant that silly game

played by freakishly tall men in baggy bloomers.

Any gentleman would have known

that I meant a rousing game of croquet.

Well, they're obviously not gentlemen.

London, why are you hanging out with this fool?

Because there are only 24 people between him and the throne.

If there's a really big earthquake at Buckingham Palace,

- london? - Ooh, coming!

Come on, Marcus, let's beat these brit brats.

Hey, gimme one of those hammer thingies.

It's called a mallet.

Hey, Mr. moseby, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm a huge mallet head.

You said it, not me.

It means I love croquet.

Good! Can you tell us how to play?

Oh, it's simple! The object of the game is to pass the ball

through a prescribed circuit of 12 hoops and then strike the center peg.

Now if you wish to take a half-bisque, you must wait

for a formal acknowledgment from your opponent.

You know, a wave, a wink, perhaps a tip of the cap.

Stop! Hammer time.

Do I get extra points

for knocking that hat off that old lady?

That was the queen.

- ( Queen shouts ) - Oooh!

Dang, she's got an arm on her.

Nice throw, Lizzie!

Look! Sir Arthur conan Doyle's chair.

Just picture him sitting there, creating Holmes' nemesis--

the evil James moriarty.

And his wastepaper basket.

Just imagine the crumpled pieces of brilliance that were thrown in there.

You want me to take a picture of you next to it?

The garbage can? No, I'm good.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

But I found a place that sells pies with meat in them!

I mean, is it a meal? Is it a dessert?

Do I care? No!

Oh my gosh!

Sir Arthur conan Doyle's first draft

of "the hound of the baskervilles"!

On loan from the queen's private library.

You know, that book happens to be priceless.

So try not to fog up the glass with your American hot-dog breath!

I'll have you know that's british meat-pie breath.

No, he's right. Still a little hot dog mixed in there from breakfast.

Good nose.

I think I got the hang of this.

Ow!

Hey, good hit.

That's a matter of opinion.

Oh, crumpet girl! One crumpet, if you please.

- Oh, thanks! - Ah--

that cost me £1.

Ah, it'll cost me a pound too, but it's worth it.

- Oooh, you should get one! - I--

hey, he hit my ball! He can't do that.

Yes, he can. It's called a roquet.

Well, it's not "rokay" with me.

Hey!

Wicky, wicky, he's my man!

So seriously, stay away from him.

- Well played, lord wicket. - Thank you, snively.

High-four?

They can't even high-five right.

Yes, we can,

but we prefer to use the fifth digit

to do this.

Well, you got beat like a dusty rug on a clothesline.

This is even more humiliating than the time

my pants fell down when I was performing at Madison square garden.

20,000 people saw your underwear?

If only I had remembered to wear some.

Oh dear.

Well, don't worry,

there's time to catch up in round two tomorrow.

- Except we stink. - To high heaven.

But I can tutor you.

I was once a croquet prodigy.

I was at the junior championships

when there was a tragic accident.

It was a steamy August day in darien, Connecticut.

I put my cheek to the ground so I could see the cut of the grass

when my partner Spencer mistook my shaved head

for a ball.

It is oddly small and shiny.

I was legally dead for seven minutes!

But at least we won the point.

I got you a present from the gift shop.

Aww, thank you. That is so sweet.

Uh, not you.

It's a houndstooth bikini.

Wow, no mystery why you want me to wear that.

Everybody stay calm. No cause for alarm.

We--

sorry about that. Just a temporary power outage.

That was no power outage.

Someone stole the book!

All right, everyone relax.

Ray emit-majors, inspector, Scotland yard.

And Cody Martin,

president, Boston holmies.

Right, just as soon as you've been cleared by the bobbies,

you are free to leave.

Yeah. Come on.

Go ahead.

Stop it, stop it!

You're dusting for fingerprints with haddonite white?

Anthracene would show up much better on the glass.

I think I know what I'm doing.

I've been with Scotland yard for 25 years,

whereas you're just a kid dressed like a loveseat.

Cody, get back in line!

Just a jiff. The ladies can be so impatient.

With you? I cannot imagine why.

- Come on! - Wait.

- Give me your tweezers. - I don't have tweezers.

I do!

Hey, if I don't pluck these caterpillars every couple hours,

they just go pffft!

Just hand them over.

Aha! A clothing fiber.

With this I can deduce that the culprit is wearing...

Tweed!

They're all wearing tweed. The entire country wears tweed.

Even the doggies wear tweed.

Why don't you do all of england a favor

and go visit France?

And you! You let those kids back in again,

you'll be cleaning up after the queen's puppies.

You'll be on doody duty.

Did you guys hear how loud that door was?

Yes, it's a loud door. Whoo-hoo!

- Let's go. - Wait.

We can't leave.

I now know that the book is still inside that exhibition hall.