Father Brown

- How many more times? - Two more should square it.

One.

Do you know what they did in the Old Testament

to people who reneged on their debts?

Stoned them to death. Caved their heads in.

That's not true.

- Take a look. - I don't need to.

- Unlike you, I've read it. - I bet.

Cover to cover. Good little Catholic girl.

You're just being a good wife, remember?

Let me hear you say it.

I'm a good wife.

If you ever doubt that...

...then remember.

If I don't get what I'm owed,

I'll turn you from a wife to a widow in the blink of an eye.

I swear it.

So help me, God.

Father Brown (2013) 1x01: The Hammer of God Original air date: January 14, 2013

Good morning.

Two utensils per dish. Plates at the beginning, napkins at the end.

- Savoury to sweet. - Yes, Reverend.

Morning.

Father Brown! So glad you could come.

How could I not? Rumour has it you've invited half my flock.

Couldn't resist sharing my good fortune.

So long as you're not planning on poaching any of my souls.

- Wouldn't dream of it! - You're a wicked man, Reverend.

Just one moment.

Ah! Not there. The petals will fall in the salad.

Looks nice. Like garnish.

Susie? Mrs McCarthy? It's like I never left St Mary's!

Agreed.

The Reverend Bohun asked me to bake some of my award-winning strawberry scones.

- So how could I refuse? - And how can I?

Not yet! When the guests arrive.

Thought I was a guest.

Kluski z makiem I rodzynkami. It's very popular in Poland.

With whom? Household pets?

Mmm!

I don't think so, Reverend.

- Simeon's very busy today. - Too busy for scones and tea?

- Well, I've just started preparing lunch. - Come afterwards.

Please. It won't be the same without you.

- Yes, all right. - Wonderful.

- So, what do you think? - Hmm?

The new clock tower.

New roofing slates, cast iron dials, brand new bell.

Kembleford will hear its first resounding bellow at 3:00 p.m. precisely.

- Are you sure? - What do you mean?

Well, it seems to be running about ten seconds too slow.

You can't tell that from a pocket watch. You're pulling my leg.

Wouldn't dream of it.

- What, a fry-up for lunch? - I thought you deserved it.

You've been working so hard.

Oh, and, don't get too excited,

but I did tell the Reverend we'd make it to his extravaganza later.

I've got three more jobs on.

I know, but we could afford a short break.

But we can't afford anything, least alone a fry-up.

Can we?

Look. Look.

I'm sorry. Sorry. It smells delicious.

What?

- What? - I'm just...

...just thinking how lucky I am.

- What did I say? - Nothing.

- I'm just tired, that's all. - Right.

You're not going to wear this to the table, are you? It's filthy.

Better?

Coo-ee!

I am so sorry to disturb you.

I was wondering if we could borrow some...

Oh!

- I'll put something on. - Yes, thank you.

We've run out of plates.

I think we'll need ten or 15 at least if you can spare.

I have made my award-winning strawberry scones

and I expect them to be as popular as ever.

- Thank you, dear. - You're welcome.

Very much appreciated.

I shudder to think what I might have seen had I arrived a few minutes later.

You must acknowledge that evolution renders God superfluous at best.

No, on the contrary.

The majesty of life's tapestry reveals the divine. It doesn't deny it.

You ought to spend some time with me in the field watching insects devour each other.

Then tell me how divine you think it is.

That sounds fascinating. I love camping.

- Tell me when and where. - Father Brown!

Talking of wildlife... Lady Felicia.

You appear to have something nesting in your hat.

- Oh! You do tickle me, Father. - I hear you're entertaining us later.

Reverend Bohun has insisted I perform my Habanera.

- I'm sure he did. - Polish delicacy?

- Award-winning scone? - Oh, how lovely.

Seems my invitation got lost in the post.

Ecumenical harmony.

Warms the heart.

Catholics and Anglicans taking tea together,

pretending to be all chummy.

- Pretending? - Oh, come on, Father.

Underneath it all, you think the other side's going to hell.

And besides, all the pomp and bluster of Catholicism,

it's all a bit silly, isn't it?

Norman! Forgive my brother.

- He's entitled to his opinion. - As odious as it is.

I, for one, find Norman's candour refreshing.

As refreshing as a used toilet!

Oh, I do beg your pardon. That was most uncouth.

Award-winning scone?

You're a vulgar man.

Lady Felicia,

I may be wrong, but judging by your general demeanour

and the way you're looking at me, I'd say I'm making you randy.

Elizabeth, I haven't seen you at mass for a while. Is anything wrong?

I'm sorry, Father. Just busy.

I'm not chastising you. Is there anything you want to talk about?

No. Everything's fine. Thank you.

- You're supposed to be gone. - I need more money.

I gave you ten pounds. You're not getting a penny more!

You know how expensive is London?

It'll cost you a lot more if you stay here. I guarantee it.

- What are you doing? - Come on!

You forgot something, you vile, disgusting rodent!

You're finished, Barnes.

So this is where you hide the good stuff, is it?

I'm cutting you off.

- Excuse me? - Father left a clause in the inheritance.

It entrusts me with the purse strings, including all real estate holdings.

I'm invoking it.

Do you think I wanted it to come to this? You're out of control.

Drinking, gambling, indulging your basest appetites.

- This is a lie. - It's all there in black and white.

As is this.

It's not too late for you to be saved, Norman.

Please.

Let us pray.

Is it true?

Oh!

All right?

Trust you to liven up a party.

Poker game still on for next weekend?

No offence, but right now I don't need the fawnings of a sycophant.

Where's the Reverend? He's going to miss his big moment.

Ah!

Oh!

- Everything all right? - I'll be fine.

Can't let my brother's shenanigans ruin the day.

- No. - Thank you for coming.

My sincerest apologies for the fracas earlier.

We won't let it spoil things.

We've been blessed with beautiful weather and,

in about ten seconds, we'll be blessed with the sound of glorious bells.

Ten, nine, eight, seven,

six, five,

four, three,

two, one.

Norman! No!

Oh, sweet Jesus!

He's dead.

Looks like a single blow to the head.

The skull's been crushed like an eggshell.

Fragments of bone driven through the ground and body.

- Perhaps you should go inside. - I'm not going anywhere.

Search for a weapon.

Lady Felicia, did you see anyone running away from the scene?

I can't, erm...

I just...

It's all right. Take your time.

I was cleaning my hat.

I-I looked out

and I saw... he was lying there.

I, uh---

I-I didn't see anyone else.

I'm sorry. I think I-- I need to lie down.

- Come on. - Yes.

I'm going to need statements from all of you.

Who last saw Mr Bohun alive?

Isn't that obvious? The murderer.

He attacked him less than an hour before in front of dozens of witnesses.

Mr Barnes? Mr Barnes, did you do this?

- He got what was coming to him. - Is that a confession?

You don't need a confession. I mean, look at his head.

Who else could have delivered such a blow?

Inspector.

Is this one of yours?

Yeah.

Simeon Barnes,

I'm arresting you on suspicion of the murder of Norman Bohun.

- You are not obliged to say anything... - Wait!

It was me.

- I did it. - No.

- I'm sorry, Reverend. - That's not possible.

Look at her. She has neither the strength nor the brutality.

- Mrs Barnes, if you're trying to protect your husband... - I stole the hammer from the forge.

I crept up behind him and...

...and I hit him. I swear it, it's true.

- So help me, God. - Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Barnes,

I'm arresting you for the murder of Norman Bohun.