Love Hard

It's been said that, according to Greek mythology,

humans were originally created with four arms, four legs,

and a head with two faces.

But fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts,

condemning humans to spend the rest of their lives

searching for their other half, their soul's equal.

And if that's true,

then Zeus is an asshole.

Sure, dating has never really been easy,

but modern dating online is even harder.

I keep thinking my perfect match has to be out there, just one click away.

- Someone kind, and honest, and ideally... Honey?

...someone that doesn't already have a wife. Am I right?

Despite my gut telling me that maybe I should give up altogether,

along comes Ted, a Libra who likes puppies

and offers to take me on a sunset sail

until he ghosts me.

But on a positive note,

I've turned my horrible love life into a successful online writing career.

For years, I've been chronicling my disaster dates

under the pseudonym "Always a Bridesmaid."

And people seem to love that I can't find love.

But honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.

How is it that everyone has found the one, and I haven't?

Either I'm the unluckiest woman in the world,

or my picker is broken.

It's both.

What's the one common denominator in all of these dates?

It's you.

I beg your pardon?

The common denominator is that it's a bunch of LA assholes.

That's your other problem. You're only looking local.

I had to import Mark from Ohio, for God's sakes.

You gotta think bigger.

Jesus, Nat! You only have your dating radius set to five miles.

You gotta look outside West Hollywood.

Gas is so expensive.

I mean, it'd be 40 bucks to get to Glendale, and that's only one way.

It's cheaper to do cocaine and then run everywhere.

- - Okay. Fixed it.

I'm gonna get a juice. Want something?

Ooh yeah, uh, grab me a Green Latifah with an extra shot of wheatgrass.

- Oh, but no kiwi because I'm-- - I... I know, you're allergic. No kiwi.

Sorry. Habit.

The last time an intern forgot, I almost died.

Natalie, where's my next story? I'm assuming your next date is lined up.

I was thinking for the next one, maybe we'll try something different. Like...

Something a little bit more upbeat?

Why the hell would you do that?

So I don't spend another evening

with a guy who was featured on an episode of Hoarders.

- It's making me miserable. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Everyone's miserable, though.

But that's why Soash Media exists

to either distract people from their own lives,

or to show them that things could be, you know, so, so much worse.

Remember, a disaster for you is a hit for me. Okay?

Got food in your teeth. You might wanna...

Get it to me!

I'm a nude yoga instructor. Namaste.

Semi-finalist on Dancing with the Stars.

Devoted feminist. The Noteb--

This could be yours, girl.

Why don't you come over and play with--

Passionate about life and all things outdoors.

When I'm not traveling for work,

you'll find me at home in Lake Placid, New York, planning my next move.

Wow!

Looking for a woman who's spontaneous and drama-free.

Ugh.

Love Actually? Worst Christmas movie ever!

Hey, Natalie.

So how do you really feel about my favorite Christmas movie?

It's a movie about people falling in love based on how they look.

I like to think it's a story about the triumph of love over reality.

I can work with that.

So, what's your favorite Christmas movie?

That's easy. Hands down, Die Hard.

You really think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

Yippee Ki Yay, I do!

Okay. Convince me.

Okay.

Fine. I can give you seven reasons, to be exact.

You've studied this in depth.

One, it takes place during a Christmas party.

Doesn't make it a Christmas movie! I have more evidence.

Two, it snows at the end. Number three, there are presents involved.

There are presents involved in most movies ever made!

You know what? I'm willing to reconsider this. I might actually--

Holy shit! I mean, this guy is, like, friggin' hot.

He knows the difference between there and they are, which you'd be surprised by.

He's Asian-American and speaks three languages.

He's a world traveler but hasn't been to any places on the watch list.

- So really there's only one con. - What?

You've never seen him.

Come on. There's six pictures on his profile.

That means nothing. Remember the last guy you met up with in public?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

He ended up being 20 years older than his photos.

This guy could be old. He could be a waiter from the Last Supper.

- What? - Look at me. Look at me.

You do not trust anybody unless he sends you a photo

holding today's newspaper with the date on it. Okay? Yeah.

Oh yeah, that's what we're gonna do. I'm calling him to get a photo.

- No! No. - Yeah. What?

- I'm... I'm sorry. -

- I'm a large woman. - No.

- You cannot get this phone. - No.

- Yeah, try me. Oh! Okay, fine! - No. Oh!

Sounds like I'm missing a fun party.

- Hello?

- Hello?

- Josh! Hey, Natalie.

- I'm sorry. - Hi!

- Hey. Mm-hmm.

I... I actually didn't mean to call you. I was, um, hiking and...

- I tripped and accidentally hit "Call." - What the fuck are you saying?

Glad you're still alive. - What?

I'm happy to be your emergency contact,

even with the three-hour time difference.

- I'm sorry. - Nope. Nope. I'm still alive.

So anyway, I... I better get back to it.

- Sorry to bother you. Bye. -

I'm gonna kill you.

- I'm sorry! -

What?

- What? - Are you satisfied?

Oh!

Yeah, she's satisfied. Oh my God.

- - He is so cute!

- Oh. - What is... like... what is this?

I mean...

...but when you start making toast in the tub, that's when we'll worry.

You know, when I first saw your profile, I thought you'd just be another guy

who's really hot and has a dick pic on standby.

- Well, what makes you think I'm not? -

- Ah. - Your turn! Tit for tat, Nat.

- Oh! That's a weird Dick! -

At least mine's not crooked.

My parents got divorced when I was three,

but I got a pretty great stepmom now, so...

My mom passed away last year. You would've loved her.

Everyone did.

Honestly, I'm so over eating out. I prefer to just stay in and cook.

Oh! You cook? - Oh yeah. All the time.

Tonight I'll be assisted in the kitchen

by Chef Boyardee and my good friends Ben and Jerry.

No way. You were chubby as a kid too?

I swear to you.

Kids in middle school used to ask me which chin I really used.

Ugh, kids can be so cruel.

You're telling me it's really Tom Cruise flying these planes?

That was him driving the car in Days of Thunder,

him hanging from the ceiling in Mission Impossible-- Oh, drink!

Ugh. I had no idea that this movie was so homoerotic.

Yeah, actually I think Maverick and Iceman get married in the sequel.

Ugh. "Bottom Gun"?

I'd watch that.

Ooh! Maverick just disobeyed an order! Chug!

What was your favorite book as a kid?

It was a book of poems called Where The Sidewalk Ends.

"I cannot go to school today, said little Peggy Ann McKay."

I can't believe that you know that.

Before there was Ferris Bueller, there was Peggy Ann McKay.

You know,

my, um, my mom, she used to read that to me when I was little.

It used to help me sleep, but I honestly can't

think of a single thing that's more comforting than

being read to.

"This bridge will only take you halfway there

to those mysterious lands you long to see."

"Through gypsy camps and swirling Arab fairs."

"And moonlit woods where unicorns run free."

"So, come and walk awhile with me

and share the twisting trails

and wondrous worlds I've known."

"But this bridge will only take you halfway there."

"The last few steps you will have to walk alone."

Josh?

Good morning. -