National Lampoon's Van Wilder

Coolidge College was established in 18--

Who knows this? It was in your freshman facts.

The first day of spring semester.

A time to say good-bye to the parents once again...

and say hello to a few new student bodies.

As for me, well...

I like to start off each semester with a certain time-honored tradition.

A ritual, if you will, that allows me...

to get my head in the right place.

Okay, so Suk Mee's a little old...

but she is just so damn good.

She's great with these quick jobs...

plus there is no substitute for decades of experience.

That looks amazing.

That is perfect. You're a pro.

A pro.

Look at me.

Pro.

Well, gosh, that was great. Thanks for the quick job there.

I need these in 20 minutes.

Super.

We've got a jumper!

Hold on, son. You don't want to do this.

I didn't want to come here either. They made me come!

They made me!

First year can be kind of scary, can't it, Timmy?

My name's not--

But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge...

Timmy?

I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter...

because you'll die a lot of times.

Write that down.

- I don't have a pen. - Well, remember that then.

And you know something, Timmy?

I think you've got the balls to make it here.

Call me nuts...

but I believe in you.

You see, Timmy, you can't let this lead you all the time.

Sometimes you've gotta heed this.

I think you've got a lot of heart in there, mister, don't you?

Don't you? I mean, look around you.

Timmy?

Great work, Van. Thanks!

Remember my credo, Timmy.

Don't be a fool. Stay in school.

God, I love this place.

Hey, Van. Hey, Van the man.

I called you last night, Van.

My name is Van Wilder, and this is my home...

Coolidge College.

The last, well, seven years have gone by way too fast.

This school's given me so much. I just can't seem to give enough back.

- That's Van. - That's him!

Oh, my God!

- Wow. - Yeah. Wow.

I was the first-ever male cheerleader at Huntington High!

The first ever!

Give me a V! Give me an A!

Give me an N! What does it spell?

I see a rabbi, and he's performing a circumcision...

on himself though.

You'll become disciplined.

Your mind will become a weapon.

I'm sorry. You really just don't fit the profile.

We're just gonna do a little bit of word association.

Cookies!

- My name is Van. - Hi, my name is Terry.

Let's get it started then, shall we?

Big finish.

Medic.

- Having us both at the same time... - Will definitely lighten your load.

- We will bend over backwards for you. - There's nothing too big...

- we can't handle. - And we mean nothing.

- We'll stay on top of you... - And ride you all semester.

Basically, we're saying we won't blow the job, Van.

By the way, can you tell me if there'll be any international travel?

Seriously, I swear to God, I'm really uncomfortable now.

It's time you should go.

Not one acceptable candidate.

What is wrong with the youth of today?

The Internet, dude.

Fries their brain cells, man.

It's cool, Colossus. We'll find somebody.

C-los, get your ass off my shirt.

You really should have him neutered, man.

That's up to him.

They are getting bigger, aren't they?

I'll get that.

Looks like we got one more.

What's your name?

I'm Taj Mahal Badalandabad.

Where are you from, Taj?

I'm an exchange student from Banglapur, India.

Welcome. What can we do for you?

My exchange program culminates at the end of this school year...

at which time I must return to my home country...

where I do not have many friends.

I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant.

Okay. We're just gonna do a little word association.

Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk.

Tit!

Oh, Mommy.

Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred...

but I hear "milk," I think giant jugs.

You see, I cannot go home a virgin.

I came here to study the great American art of muff diving.

To smack clam, munch rug...

dine at just one American pink taco stand.

You know, I wanted to-- how is it-- park the porpoise.

I want to take it through the car wash, baby.

And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it!

You know, and air dry.

Air dry that shit, yeah.

And I would like to be your assistant very much...

Mr. Van Wilder.

You'll need a copy of my class schedule so you can take notes.

You'll also handle my finances.

I lecture at the freshman crisis group every other Monday.

I'm spearheading the Save the Swim Team Speedo Spectacular...

and the Bloated Belly Beer Bash to Battle Bulimia this semester.

This is Sick Boy's room. Not a week's gone by he hasn't had an ailment.

Shingles, hepatitis, crabs. That was his fault.

- Matzo ball soup.Jewish penicillin. - Thanks, Van.

Don't pick at it. Moving on.

I'm moving my 7:15 to 8: 15, my 8: 15 to 9: 45...

and my 9:45 till Wednesday.

You owe $75,000 for the speed boat.

Cancel my guest lecture at the Wharton School next week.

I feel like going somewhere tropical. Tahiti. Are you writing this down?

- Yes, sir. - You owe $200,000 for the thoroughbred.

Schedule a massage after my golf game tomorrow afternoon.

- With a happy ending? - Ah, yes.

And another $39,000 for your son's tuition and housing this semester.

Tuition? Van is still in school?

For the better part of a decade.

"Depression: Is Prozac really the answer?"

"Famine-- Crisis in Rwanda."

"Tracking Tuition: Where does our money really go?"

Each article well-written and researched by our own Gwen Pearson...

and each article skipped over by the majority of the student body.

I don't care. I won't pander to them.

"Lite Beer vs. Dark-- The Showdown" by Darius Grayson.

- Is that the same-- - Pulitzer-prize winning Darius Grayson.

He was an alumnus of our journalism staff.

He wrote his best stuff in detox. Still does, I'm told.

I have got a very challenging assignment for you.

A story that nobody's been able to get.

- About what? - No, no. It's about whom.

It does not look good.

That's the end of the first half...

and the Chickadees will need a miracle to come back and score.

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to step away from Van's vehicle.

Wilder!

He's got no business parking there. That's my spot.

They need me, Ted.

This is the first time in my life I'm glad I'm deaf!

I can't hear the boos! Now, listen up.

I'm only gonna go over this one more time.

In the event they switch to a zone defense...

we must swing the ball around the perimeter.

This ball club is the heart of this institution.

You win, it beats. You lose, it breaks.

You're not boxing out, Big Papa. You're my Windex man.

I want you shining glass.

We gotta D up out there. Darius.

I want you all over that ball like a fat kid on a cupcake.

What are you looking at? Your mom said you left your legs at home.

For God's sake!

I'd do anything for you guys...

which is why I'm throwing you a little soiree tomorrow night...

but not without a W tonight.

You want to know why? Nobody wants to celebrate a loss, guys.

Hey, man, you gonna invite those freak honeys from Mt. Holyoke?

I already did.

They said they'd try to make it if they weren't humping the Matadors.

- The Matadors? - What?

Come on. We got a ball game to win.

Let's go kick some Matador tail--

How bad do you wanna be...

a Delta?

Would you walk on broken glass?

Let the shards tear into your Achilles tendon...

causing acute achondroplasia...

which could lead to non-congenital dwarfism as you got older?

Ease up on the medical terms. Just keep it simple and terrifying.

Gordon, there are very few things more terrifying than non-congenital dwarfism.

Hey, Richard. Ready to study?

Gwenny, I said 9:30. It's 9:20.

I'm in the middle of an 80-year tradition here.

I will be up when I'm done with my presidential responsibilities.

Okay, I'll wait for you upstairs.

Who's my alabaster princess?

You are. You are.

Relax, guys. They're just Doritos.

Listen to me, you little fuck stains!

When I count to three, you will jump or be banished from this house forever!

One, two--

Fuck!

Excuse me. Where can I find Van Wilder?

In the Guiness Book of World-fucking-Records, man...