The Critic

Hello?

Hoo-ha! Jay, it's Al Pacino.

Hoo-ha!

I can't stop saying "hoo-ha!"

Keep that in mind when you review my next film,

the godfather part hoo-ha.

Hoo-ha.

It stinks!

Our last film features Anthony Hopkins

and Jodie foster

reprising their roles from silence of the lambs

in honey, I ate the kids.

Sweetheart, have you seen Timmy, Becky, and Alex?

I haven't seen them since lunch.

We had fava beans and a nice chianti.

Did you eat the kids again?

Clarice, you don't look so well.

Let me take your temperature.

That's a meat thermometer.

So it is, Clarice.

This movie is awful,

and so is its inappropriate commercial tie-in

with taco hut.

That's all for now. Don't miss next week's show:

Child stars I've accidentally sat on.

Good night.

Listen, spanky, we need to talk.

Oh, can it wait? I'm late for my son's field day at school.

It's your ratings.

Take a gander at what's winning your time slot.

People watch this?

They don't just watch it.

They send it money.

Hello, this is principal mangosuthu.

Welcome to the u.N. School's field day.

We have children from over 40 countries,

including easter island.

Dad! You made it!

Hey, I wouldn't miss it for the world, son.

You know, this reminds me of my own field day.

All right, girls. Time for the 100-yard dash.

The loser has to kiss Jay.

I've been practicing on my dog.

Those girls later became

the gay women's olympic relay team.

Ardeth! How's my favorite ex-wife?

The judge said every time you talk to me

it costs you $100.

Fine. Here's $200.

Get bent.

And now an exhibition of paquito ball,

the national sport of San montalban.

Isn't this kind of a silly game?

The ball won't fit through the goal!

That is ok.

Our island is just a haven

for a reclusive American actor.

Push, boys. Push!

Whoa!

Your son has trouble, eh, Mr. sherman?

Vlada! What are you doing here?

My boy, zoltan, also attends this school.

Hello, Mr. sherman.

Thanks to your appetite, we bought a yacht.

Now in the shot put,

Marty sherman versus Bulgaria's Olga testosterov.

Hey, Olga,

your mother called. She said, "moo!"

Oh!

Skull...Cracked,

brains...Leaking out,

can't wait to see new Chevy chase movie.

Our next event is the long jump.

I'm afraid you've actually gone back a few feet.

You would have been better off just standing there!

I'm the only one without a medal.

Don't feel bad, son.

I never won anything, either.

Oh, yeah? Didn't you win biggest breasts

in that wet t-shirt contest?

Yes, and I'm still a hero

to the boys of the u. S.S. Nimitz.

This concludes the u.N. School field day.

Like the real u.N.,

there was a lot of heated gibberish,

but nothing was accomplished,

and we send the bill to Uncle Sam.

And now, this year's booby prize goes,

with a massive dose of pity,

to Martin sherman.

Come on, son.

I'm no good at anything, dad,

and field day just proved it.

Son, I've had more than my share of failures,

but I've learned to just forget about them and move on.

For example, I've completely erased puberty,

the agony of my first public shower,

and my apocalyptic honeymoon night.

It's coming back!

Ooh! A waterbed!

Was it as good for you, baby?

Look, dad, thanks for trying to help,

but I'm a loser, and that's it.

So, you're not good at sports,

we'll just have to find out what you are good at.

In my case, it's complaining about movies

that bring happiness to idiots.

And in my case, it's writing books, songs,

playing the piano, hosting t.V. Shows...

Steve Allen!

Designing office furniture, mediating border disputes,

playing bass for metallica,

and communicating with porpoises.

Your dad's right, Marty.

You can read all about it in my book,

Steve Allen's advice to Marty.

Thanks, Mr. Allen, but...

no time, Marty, my shift's over,

and I feel an operetta coming on.

Coming up next,

I'll be reviewing Disney's biggest dud to date,

the maggot king.

And cut!

Listen here, huggy bear,

you seen this week's them magazine?

Wow!

George. S. Kaufman, eat your moss hart out!

Did you understand that?

No, but his fly's open.

Well, we're back, and...

folks, this magazine says Jay's the wittiest man alive,

so I'll tell you what I'm gonna do:

Watch Jay for a month,

you don't laugh, i pay you $100.

Get crackin', wit boy!

Uh...

Uh...

Somebody pull my finger.

This doctor's done wonders for me, Marty.

Maybe he can cheer you up.

So what you're saying, Marty,

is Jay's advice only saddens you more?

I know he means well,

but dad won't admit I have any problems at all.

I'm just afraid I'm going to fail as a father

just like I did as a husband, and a son,

and a Navy seal, and an American gladiator.

You sound like you need a vacation.

May I suggest a Russian pacific seaport, 11 letters?

Vladivostok?

Thank you!

Wait a minute,

are you doing a crossword puzzle?

Yes, I am. How do you feel about that?

Irritated and outraged!

Thank you and thank you again!

All right. No one's laughin' at you.

We still have 2 weeks

before I owe everybody in America $100.

Son, I want you to go on the air with this.

Shove it! Shove it!

Kiss off! Kiss off!

You smell!

"You smell"? I never see it comin'.

I'm not goin' on the air with that thing!

All right. I'll give the box its own sitcom.

It's called shove it! Kiss off! You smell!

But we've still got to find some way to make you funny.

Welcome to coming attractions.

I'm kareem Abdul-jabbar,

and this is little knothead.

This is so demeaning.

I have a phd in film!

Ok, Dr. knothead,

why don't you sing

John Jacob jingleheimer schmidt

while I drink a glass of water?

I spit in the water.

Knothead!

Didn't we used to have a knothead doll?

That was our son.

Son, this judo class will give you self-confidence

and make you physically fit.