Wedding Crashers

I don't have custody of the kids I don't get custody.

It is pathetic what I've had to go through.

Right now, she doesn't know where the kids are.

Do not talk about me as a mother.

Are they home?

I'm so sick to death of you talking about me as a mother.

They're probably at a firehouse somewhere.

Do not talk about that.

I'm sick of you accusing me of not being a good mother.

Are they home? I've been a good mother!

A perfect mother? I can't have custody.

Just remember how you... Right now.

Where is Tim right now?

Don't you talk about me being a mother.

I hate you! Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't you just kiss my left nut?

I told you this was a bad idea. You know what, Ken?

A bad idea would be to let your client walk out of here today...

and drag this thing out for another year, wasting more time and more money.

The only good idea is to let me and John do our job...

and mediate this thing right here.

You wanna hear the crazy thing?

I know it doesn't feel like it, but we're making progress.

Mm-hm. - We settled the deal with the cars.

That takes us to frequent-flyer miles. We're flying.

Those are mine. - I want them.

We're gonna split them right down the middle.

How'd that be, Mr. Kroeger?

It would be not good at all. I earned those miles.

Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver to meet your whore.

Oh, Lord.

Well, she's not afraid to express herself sexually.

She is a stripper, for God's sake!

- She is not. - Her name is Chastity.

She is white trash. Same as you.

Hillbilly.

That's it, go comatose for me, baby.

You shut your mouth when you're talking to me.

Hold it. This is getting confusing.

You didn't always hate each other.

There had to be nice moments, during the courtship, maybe?

- Or the wedding? - The wedding had to be fun.

- You have your families. - Your decorations.

Families coming together. That's a nice moment.

- What'd you have to eat? - Crab cakes.

Are you kidding me? How could you not have a good time?

- I love them. They're phenomenal. - And did you have a band?

Yeah. Good or bad?

Who gives a shit? It's a great band, a bad band, it's like pizza, baby.

It's good no matter what. There's music!

You get them playing "Shout" and you hate it.

It's a good time, know what I mean?

Rubbing up against each other, a couple of kids who like to fuck...

trying to make it honest. I get it.

Guys, the real enemy here is the institution of marriage.

It's not realistic, it's crazy.

Don't do this for the other person.

- Say yes to yourself and your future. - Say yes.

Have some opportunities for yourself. I'm sure you'd love to be free...

maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance...

grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe.

And you? Don't you wanna get inside Chastity...

without wondering if anyone's gonna find out?

Wouldn't that be sweet? Wouldn't that be nice?

And have some Latin guy sweating all over you...

talking to you in languages you don't understand...

needing you, wanting you, taking you?

All we're trying to say is...

put your swords away for a second.

Let's finish this and let's move on.

Get out there and get some strange ass.

Could you give her a glass of water so she can take that?

Hey, John, that's weird. That glass looks half full to me.

Wow, now that you mention it, it is half full.

He can have the miles.

No, sweetie, you take the miles.

Great. Great! Let's sign the paperwork and we are done.

This is just semantics. You guys wanna throw a couple miles at us...

we'll take a couple. The big thing is that we're all moving on.

Could you two just not talk anymore?

Oh, good, you got it. Is it 100 percent goose down?

- Yes. Why do you need this? - Are you sure?

I sleep over at John's house every year for his birthday.

Okay, that's not creepy.

I guess it is a little creepy...

when a young man who happens to be an only child...

loses both of his parents in a tragic accident one month before his birthday...

and then has a best friend make a vow...

that he will never spend his birthday alone again.

Maybe that would fall under the category of creepy.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

- That's okay. - No, you're really sweet.

I've got the perfect girl for you.

Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager...

to jump into a forced, awkward intimate situation...

that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling.

You're wondering, "Do I have food on my face? Am I eating?"

Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough?

Should I play like I'm interested? I'm not that interested.

She might be interested. Do I want to be interested?

"Now she's not interested. So now, all of sudden, I'm starting to get interested."

When am I supposed to kiss her? Do I wait for the door?

Then it's awkward. It's like, "Good night." Do you do the ass-out hug?

Where you, like, hug each other like this...

and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close.

Do you kiss them on the lips? Or don't kiss them at all?

It's very difficult to read the situation.

All the while you're wondering, "Are we gonna get hopped up enough...

to make some bad decisions?"

And perhaps play a little game called Just the Tip.

Just for a second, just to see how it feels.

Or Ouch, Ouch, You're on My Hair.

Okay.

Okay, can you...? Can you put that so he can't see it? And thank you.

Hey, Janice. Great talk.

- John? - Yeah?

I gotta see you right away, it's important.

What's going on?

We got three really big weeks ahead of us.

- It's wedding season, kid. - You sandbagging son of a bitch.

I got us down for 17 of them already.

Okay, how many are cash bars?

Great question, love where your head's at, and two of them actually are.

But I got us covered.

Purple Hearts. We won't have to pay for a drink all night.

Oh, yeah. Perfect.

We are gonna have tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies...

that are so aroused by marriage, they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.

Who's gonna be there to catch them?

Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal.

What do you like better? Christmas or wedding season?

- Mr. Grey. - Yes, um, the answer would be...

wedding season?

Bingo. I'm gonna go get my suit. Oh, now, who are we this time?

Hey, Lou Epstein, I want you to meet a real mensch, Chuck Schwartz.

Oh, stop.

And as we carry on the tradition of thousands of years...

we honor the eternal bond...

that stretches through the ages.

I have known this couple for many years.

Deborah I've actually known for her entire life.

I was at her house when her parents brought her home from the hospital...

and I was there the day she graduated from medical school.

Josh I have known since his bar mitzvah...

which those of you who were there know it was not a very pretty sight.

But he has pulled himself together nicely...

and he's grown into a remarkable young man himself.

Okay. RABBl: He never got the courage...

to ask her out, until 10 years later, Josh was in the emergency room...

and he saw Deborah again...

and he said to himself: - Hi.

RABBl: "Wait. That's the girl I'm going to marry."

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Mazel tov!

Mazel tov, baby! From my family to yours, mazel tov. Beautiful.

Oh, my yarmulke fell off!

You sly son of a bitch.

Does anyone know what this here is used for?

- Rolling a fatty. - No, not for... Where'd you learn that?

You want to get a whole combination.

Get the frostings in the middle and the end.

That's it, that's it, that's it! Come on!

You both look beautiful up there today, particularly Debbie in that white dress.

Enjoy it. After tomorrow, I don't think you're gonna be able to get away...

with wearing a white dress.

Here, I'll just pick this off, I'll go grab another piece. That's it.

In the words of the old country...

Ooh.

Come here!

I want you to take this note to that blond girl.

Hurry, because I'm gonna time you. Go!

Hi.

Who gave this to you?

You know, I saw you at the wedding.

- And? - You were crying.

Oh, shit. You weren't supposed to see that. Now you probably think I'm a big pussy.

No, you were so sweet. Come here.

Look, I knew I was never gonna be a professional bullfighter...

but that's not why I did it. - Weren't you scared?

Can I say yes?

- Sanjay Collins. - Chuck vindaloo.

Excited to be here.

- Shamus O'Toole. - Bobby O'Shea.

- I'm ready to get drunk. - Ha, ha.

- Who is that? - Ah, him.

I think that's his kid Leonard. The diabetic.

Who is that?

That's Luigi and Gina's son Christopher. You know, the banker.

Oh, that's Mae Lin's adopted son Benny, the veterinarian.

- The French Foreign Legion? - Yeah.

We lost a lot of good men out there.

Wow, really? Mount Everest?

I just don't like to talk about it because we lost so many good men out there.

Oh.

Lost so many good men out there.

Playing with the Yankees?

Yes, with the Yankees.

You lose good men to trades and unruly fans.

I... Look, I don't want to talk about it, I'm sorry.

It's just a matter of trying to get it down.