I Hate Suzie

‫Sorry I'm late, sorry I'm late. ‫Bitch, bitch teacher.

‫- What time is it? ‫- Nine seventeen.

‫- Twenty past. ‫- Cob was just asking why

‫we're not saying it's from ‫a specific time in the past.

‫- Before you guys got together. ‫- Well. We could.

‫- We could. It's not my advice, but... ‫- Well, happily it's not your decision.

‫No, it's not, Cob. But the point is ‫what we don't want

‫is a bunch of people who are able to date it ‫through I don't know...

‫What, carbon penis dating. ‫Why wouldn't they have done that already?

‫It's just that she doesn't look ‫ten years younger. No offence.

‫And if we date it specifically ‫it might drag you into it.

‫Oh, that, that's what drags me into it. ‫Ok, fine right. Cool. Yeah.

‫I thought we'd agreed we're not gonna get ‫into the who or the when of these photos.

‫Er, it's pretty fucking obvious, no?

‫Why don't we just say ‫ex-boyfriend from a long time ago.

‫No, you're not gonna name names, ‫cos you're above that.

‫Ok, but would that be better for Disney?

‫If it was from a long time ago? ‫I mean, have you even spoken to them yet?

‫No. They're being weirdly quiet for Americans.

‫Hey, hey, you are not losing that job!

‫The point is we should all be fine with ‫seeing someone with a cock in their hand,

‫- we're not children. ‫- But there are children. In the world.

‫- Who watch movies. ‫- Yeah, also we have one of them.

‫Yeah, partly because of her having ‫your cock in her hand at some point.

‫There is no shame to be had ‫in a woman doing a sex act.

‫- Well, there is in this case. ‫- Yeah, if it's not her husband's.

‫If it's a fucking over-rated trash peddler ‫who thinks he's Steve McQueen. Not that one.

‫I'm so worried I'm gonna get this ‫wrong you know,

‫I can't not be authentic, you know, ‫even if I try, I'll end up being authentic.

‫- I can't not be authentic. ‫- You're an actress.

‫Yeah, but come on, like if she asks me ‫how I feel about the pictures being out there

‫- the answer isn't fine, is it? ‫- No, of course the answers not fine

‫because you're disappointed. You shouldn't ‫be ashamed, is what's important.

‫- You should just be honest. ‫- But I am ashamed.

‫- Why? You've got no reason to be ashamed. ‫- She kind of has.

‫- I do kind of do. ‫- Yeah, but they don't know that.

‫We're not presenting it as that, ‫is what I'm saying.

‫Ok, so don't say its that, that it's Carter.

‫- No! ‫- No! Don't be honest about that, obviously!

‫Be honest about how you would feel, ‫if everything we were saying was true.

‫Oh my god, can we please ‫just say that it's old.

‫- Ok, fine, but be vague. ‫- Ok, so just, just...

‫general penis, from a long time ago.

‫- I feel sick. ‫- Yes, it's from a long time ago.

‫Don't be specific about when ‫and don't be specific about who.

‫Yeah, well, I can't be specific ‫about any of those things

‫- because they're both entirely made up. ‫- Ok! Then we're ready.

‫Ok.

‫- Hey, Bari. ‫- "Oh, hiya."

‫"Er, I've got Athena from ‫The Observer on the line."

‫- Great. Can you hear me ok? ‫- "Yeah, yeah, totally, it's fine."

‫So, put her through.

‫"Hello?"

‫Hi, it's Suzie!

‫- "Oh, hi!" ‫- Hi!

‫Erm, I'm, I'm a big fan of your ‫political column every week by the way.

‫- I mean, I'm obsessed. ‫- "Oh, thank you."

‫Yeah, I mean ‫I can quote long stretches of it.

‫"Oh wow, that's nice."

‫"Well, the first thing I do wanna say though"

‫"is I am really sorry ‫about what happened to you."

‫Thank you.

‫"And I'm really grateful ‫you're speaking with me."

‫"I, I could not be more furious."

‫Well. Me too. Hashtag. Erm, wait.

‫"Yeah."

‫Er, so I'm sorry, furious with me?

‫"No! No."

‫"Hang on, let's do some basics, Suzie. ‫So when did you see the picture?"

‫Erm, well I'm not one of those you know,

‫I like to stay away from all of that so...

‫- "Yeah." ‫- It wasn't, it wasn't until, erm,

‫I got a text from Naomi, my manager, erm, ‫and she said, you know we should have a chat

‫and then she described it to me, ‫and obviously I sat down with my family

‫and you know that's when I knew ‫what it was and that was that.

‫"Yeah, sure. And how, and how did you feel"

‫"when you saw that they'd leaked?"

‫Well, I was shocked, you know, obviously, ‫because, you know, these...

‫- "Yeah." ‫- are pictures from a very long time ago.

‫"Oh, really? I think oh, I think everyone ‫assumed that they were recent images."

‫No. I mean, they deliberately, ‫they can do that.

‫No, they're from a long time ago, ‫and you know it's something I feel

‫is very private, you know. ‫But it shouldn't have to be.

‫Should it?

‫"Er, can you talk more about that?"

‫Yeah, I mean, you know I should be able ‫to look at the pictures and go,

‫Oh hey, there's me with a cock in my hand,

‫and my son should be able ‫to look at those pictures and go,

‫"Oh hey, there's mum with a cock in her hand"

‫you know?

‫"Yes. I mean, er, is that, ‫is that what you actually think?"

‫No, it's not what I actually...

‫Of course not, but I should ‫be able to think that,

‫when in reality of course ‫I'm just like everybody else,

‫I'm looking at those pictures and going ‫you know, 'what an absolute slut.

‫I'm being ironic, Athena!

‫"OK."

‫"What an absolute slut!"

‫Can you send me all the contracts ‫related to the Disney job as soon as?

‫And, also, anyone else we know who's worked ‫with them, so I can compare the wording.

‫Thanks. Cob!

‫Cob!

‫I can't hear you sarcastically clapping ‫cos you're in a car?

‫Thank you. Now I need to get to Disney ‫before the interview does!

‫Can you give me a lift to the station?

‫I can.

‫Will you?

‫I will.

‫"What an absolute slut."

‫So is it just me or does she dress ‫like she's from the past?

‫What a SLUT you are.

‫"What an absolute slut."

‫"Mrs. Pickles, can I have a word?"

‫I wonder if he's curious.

‫- Which is normal. ‫- Erm, sorry.

‫Er, yeah, I, I mean, I just...

‫I think it's more likely that he doesn't know ‫if someone's in the toilet.

‫I mean, why aren't people locking doors?

‫The impression I'm getting is that it's ‫a rather deliberate attempt to see things,

‫and if there is new behaviour that might be ‫related to something that's going on at home,

‫it's important we're open ‫and transparent about that.

‫Is there anything going on at home?

‫Is this about me not doing ‫the school fete opening?

‫No, it's about Frank bursting in ‫on people on the toilet.

‫And also, did you get the letter ‫about appropriate dress for drop off?

‫I did, yeah.

‫I did, and I used it to wipe my arse because ‫I'm a terrible mother and a massive slut.

‫Have a great day, see you sweetheart.

‫So is it just me or does she dress like ‫she's from the past?

‫Come on. Let me give you a ride home.

‫I'm so lazy. I should walk.

‫Please don't.

‫Oh god, I need to get sucked.

‫Oh yeah.

‫Oh, I'm so grateful. ‫Oh, suck my cock.

‫Suck my cock, you dirty bitch.

‫Suck my cock, you whore.

‫- Really? ‫- What?

‫You're fantasising about giving him a blowjob? ‫Some dad from the playground this morning?

‫- I'm trying to make myself feel better. ‫- You're not into cars?

‫- He's into cars! ‫- Do you know that in real life?

‫It, it, its in my imagination.

‫So you've made up that he's into sports cars

‫so you can fantasise about him being turned on ‫in a car he thinks makes him sexy.

‫"Where are you in this?"

‫I like his desire. ‫His desire for me makes me wet.

‫Suck my cock, you whore.

‫But he was nice to you, ‫that was the whole attraction.

‫Why's he calling you names now?

‫Karen!

‫- Karen! ‫- "I know why."

‫Where is she, deaf bint.

‫"You've always been attracted to shitty men."

‫Go and get me something ‫from over there, would ya?

‫Good girl. ‫You're a good little girl, aren't you?

‫I don't like shitty men, ‫I just wank over them.

‫- Oh! Beautiful. Beautiful! ‫- Sometimes.

‫- Well, I can't help it. ‫- Er, you can help it.

‫Like they do with paedos.

‫- What? ‫- Paedophiles.

‫Cos orgasms are really, like, powerful. ‫What's the word, conditioners of behaviour?

‫Well, they make paedos ‫wank over images of, like, adults.

‫And the more they wank, the more they orgasm, ‫the more they get into that...

‫- I'm sorry, who does this? ‫- Like, in studies.

‫- And away from, like, the kids. ‫- So hang on a minute, so you're,

‫so you're saying the more I wank ‫over someone, or just nicer guys...

‫- Yeah. ‫- I'll eventually start to fancy them

‫- in real life? ‫- Yes. Like you build the muscle.

‫Like an athlete. ‫Wank through your shitty childhood.

‫Cum your way to being a better person.

‫Come on.

‫- Two? ‫- Yup! Two whole minutes!

‫Bye!

‫- Oh, my gosh. ‫- Sorry. Are you ok?

‫Yeah, it sticks out.

‫I'm allowed to think about that

‫because I was the same age as him at the time.

‫Obviously, I'm not judging that. ‫At least he was nice to you.

‫Come on, we're sophisticated enough

‫to distinguish between ‫our politics and our desires.

‫Yeah, but everything you think is sexy

‫is based on what men have told you is sexy ‫for thousands of years.

‫What part of that do you think ‫is about your desire, your lust?

‫Where do you go to when it's from you?

‫Yeah, so reflexology is like this theory that