Extras

Hi. I'm Andy Millman.

What would you rather do, have your child die of thirst or dysentery?

That's not a choice that you or I have to make, is it?

But one in five people don't have access to clean drinking water.

Every day, millions of people have to drink the only water available to them

and they run the risk of dying.

You can help put an end to that terrible risk by pledging just £5. Please help.

Cut.

-Was that all right? -That was fantastic.

-Brilliant, my pleasure. -Thank you so much.

That was so wonderful. Chris!

-Hi, hello. How are you? -What's this for today?

-It's for people in the Third World... -Yeah.

...who don't have clean drinking...

This screen. Are you gonna project anything on there?

Oh, we don't know yet. I'm not quite sure.

Okay. Because we have an album coming out, Greatest Hits.

Maybe just put a picture of the album cover on it.

-Oh, ah... -Just simple.

I think, probably, if we're gonna project anything, we'll show sort of pictures

of people dying because of a lack of clean water.

Could they be holding the album?

Not really, no. I think that might be a bit inappropriate, perhaps?

Oh.

I presume at some point you're gonna have some footage

of these people walking around looking sad, miserable.

What about some music? Check this out.

-Is that one of yours? -Yeah, yeah. Trouble.

Just say at the bottom, "This is available, Coldplay, Greatest Hits. "

-I'm not quite sure what's gonna happen yet. -Easy. Easy.

-So easy! All right, okay. -I think probably...

-Now, where do you want me to stand? -Just there, that's great.

-Hey, I know you. -You all right?

Are we having a laugh?

-Are you having a laugh? Yeah. -Yeah. I could come on your show.

-What's your audience, five or six million? -That'd be fab!

I don't know. I think it's weird, celebrities just popping up in a sitcom,

you know what I mean?

-It'd be good. I could play myself. -Right.

What would Chris Martin be doing visiting a factory in Wigan?

-I don't know. You work it out. -We will.

-We won't. -We will.

-When do you shoot? -Thursdays.

-I can't do Thursdays. -Oh, never mind. Okay.

-I can do Wednesdays. -We can move it.

-We can't move it, can we? -No. We can.

-Well, move it. -I'll have... Yeah.

Can we get on with this? I've got to do AIDS and Alzheimer's

and landmines this afternoon, and I want to get back for Deal or No Deal,

plus Gwyneth's making drumsticks.

Do some bloody work. What's up with you lot?

-We're depressed, Mr Stokes. -Why?

Radio's broken, Mr Stokes.

Statistics prove that workers are much more productive with musical accompaniment.

Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?

Oh, we can't work without music.

Can't work without music! Who are you, seven bloody dwarves?

You'll just have to buy us another one.

I'm not made of money, and we've spent the budget for the year,

so I don't know what we're gonna do.

-Maybe I can help? -I don't believe it.

-It's only Chris Martin from Coldplay. -Hey.

Chris, what are you doing here, in a factory in Wigan? It's mental.

Well, Ray, I'm just in the area to promote our new album,

Coldplay, The Greatest Hits.

And I thought I'd pop on over and say hello.

Right. When's that due out?

It's coming out on the 17th of this month and it's gonna be really great.

Oh, fantastic. Well, this is gonna sound absolutely ridiculous,

-but do you mind performing a song for us? -Are you having a laugh?

# When you try your best but you don't succeed

# When you get what you want but not what you need

# When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

# Stuck in reverse

# The lights will guide you home

# And ignite your bones

# And I will try to fix you #

"This week When The Whistle Blows sunk even lower in its desperate attempts

"to appeal to as many of the great unwashed as possible

"by roping in the services of rock star Chris Martin, whose inexplicable appearance

"was the latest attempt by Andy Millman

"to shamelessly prop up his lame duck of a sitcom."'

I told you. I told everyone. Why did I let people convince me?

-Calm down. Muffin? -No.

-Have a lovely bit of muffin. -I don't want any.

-Do you mind if I have a little bit of muffin? -No.

-Thank you. Bar? -Yo.

-I'm having the muffin. -I'll come through.

-Why is this an event? -He's excited.

All right. All right, Andy?

-All right, Shaun. -Lovely bit of muffin.

-Hello, you. -Oh, lovely.

-Why's he eating it like that? -Yeah. Why are you eating like that?

Me hands. I've been cleaning out the toilets. I've got no gloves.

You... You shook my hand when you came in.

Well, it's politeness, innit?

Just being polite. We are celebrating with that lovely bit of muffin.

What would be the best news you could get today?

You're going full time at the Carphone Warehouse.

I don't work at the Carphone Warehouse any more.

Well, I do Saturday mornings while Nirinda's pregnant.

-All right. -No, what news could you get

that'd mean you've finally got the critical respect you've been looking for?

I don't know. BBC One comedy with catchphrases and stupid wigs

filmed in front of a live studio audience of morons is suddenly considered cool?

That's never gonna happen, is it?

No. You've been nominated for a BAFTA. Best Comedy Performance.

-Really? -Yeah.

Not going to win, though. Something classier than this'll win.

No, no. Because I was thinking the same,

and then I was looking down the list of nominees

and it's all crap this year, so you've got as good a chance as anyone.

Cheers.

More good news as well. I had a call from a toy manufacturer

and they're quite keen to put out a Ray doll for Christmas.

You press a button and it goes, "Are you having a laugh?"

-Who's gonna buy that? -Same people who watch your show.

Thick kids and their thick parents and, you know, thick...

Thick people, I get it. The thick demographic, that's what I'm going for.

Don't slag them off 'cause those people spend a fortune on this sort of tat.

And ringtones as well. Oh, that Crazy Frog made millions.

Yeah. Where is he now?

Probably working on a follow-up album, I'd have thought, or trying to crack Japan.

It's not bad for a frog, though, is it?

It's very good for a frog, Bar, if you don't mind me saying.

I'd have thought he's probably the second richest frog in the world after Kermit.

-Kermit, yeah. There was his nephew, Robin. -Ah, Robin was good.

Looked set to take over the empire for a while, didn't he?

Yeah. He was a very good actor and singer.

Halfway Up the Stairs. -Good song.

Do you know, I've never been to an awards ceremony before.

Nor have l.

Do you think there will be photographers there?

Probably.

What if I fall or dribble something down my front?

-What are you, a toddler? -Oh, there's some nice frocks in here.

-Come on in and have a look. -No.

-Help me choose something. -I'll wait out here.

-How much is this one? -That's £2,500.

-(LAUGHS) That's a bit much. -Yes.

Are there any of these that are...

It's all very expensive. I don't think you can afford anything.

-How do you know what I can afford? -Oh, just a hunch.

Hunch, you're a hunch.

-Hmm? -Nothing.

-Nothing in there? -No, nothing. Come on, let's go.

-Oh, where we going now? -Somewhere, just anywhere else.

-What exactly are you looking for? -I'm looking for a place

where people aren't quite as rude.

-Who was rude? -Her in there.

-What happened? -She just looked at me

like I shouldn't be there, like I was a piece of dirt.

-Come on. Come on. -Oh, no, no.

-That one? -Yeah.

Good day. My friend here was looking for a dress.

I wondered if we could help her with that. Gold Card there.

-Well, I'm sure we can. -Hmm. Good.

-Yeah, I think she was looking at this one. -Oh, wonderful. How much is that?

£2,500.

£2,500?

-Do you want that? -Yeah.

-lf you don't want it, don't have it. -No. I want it.

I can definitely afford it. It's just a matter of is it the right dress?

Yes.

Could we bring it back if there's something wrong with it,

say, after this coming Sunday?

-No. We don't do refunds. -No, no, no. But if it didn't fit.

-She should try it on. -I know, but what if she got fat?

-By Sunday? -No.

What if the stitching there was to be pulled apart slightly?

-Pulled apart? -Just came apart?

Just normal wear and tear. The sweat rot under the old armpit.

Cuts through the old stitches.

Could we... Let's make absolutely sure, okay?

Always good to be sure. Sorry about this.

-You're not thinking... -What?

I'm gonna ask you a question now. Consider the answer, okay?

Do you really want me to spend £2,500 on that dress?

Yes.

She does! Aw. Go on. We've all learnt a lesson today.

There's a chance it won't fit.

It's not even tax deductible.

Do you do celebrity discount?

-Well, I don't know who she is. -She's nobody.

Are you having a laugh?

-No, we don't do discount. -No.

Not, "Are you having a laugh?" Watch this and comprehend.

Are you having a laugh?

Does no one here know... Is she having a laugh?

-Do you know? -Oh, yeah. You're from that sitcom.

-Correct. -Any good?

Not really. It's a bit broad. Relies on catchphrases and funny wigs.

Sorry. Did I ask for a critique?

Shall I come down to the storeroom and say you haven't swept up right?

Unbelievable.

-So you don't do celebrity discount? -No.

-No, not 1%? Couldn't give me 1%? -Oh, okay. I'll do you a 1% discount.

-What's that? -On £2,500? £25.

Not worth it. I'd rather you stuck it on if anything.

Well, shall we just leave it as it is?