Hap and Leonard

Hold on, Softboy.

Robbery at First National Bank.

Guard shot and killed.

Suspects armed.

Help me, man. I'm bleeding out here.

Don't worry, Softboy. I got this.

Get us the hell out of here, man!

We lost them.

Careful!

Slow down!

Shit!

Where's the road?

Oh, shit!

Softboy! Help!

That hairline going toward the south.

Gonna end up in Mexico.

It's called "gently receding."

It's called "disappearing."

Well, my brain's growing...

Growing weeds.

'Cause of all that thinking I've been doing.

Thinking 'bout what?

All the money you gon' save on shampoo?

Thinkin' about how you talk too much.

Hey, you two. End of the day.

Collect your pay. You're done.

- On account of what? - On account of cheaper labor.

Farm south of here went under.

Whole batch of Mexicans just rolled in.

Christmas came early.

Send in the Mexicans!

God damn it!

- Leonard... - Shit!

Well, that sucks.

So many kinds.

Regular's cheaper.

Bottom shelf.

Oh.

Cleanup on aisle four.

Those aren't cheap.

You can take a man's job, but you can't take his cookies.

You doing coupons now?

Don't look at me. He's the domestic one.

You got 2 bucks?

Thank you, miss.

Well, go on. Go get the car, Rochester.

Oh, yes, sir, Massa Hap.

I'll go right away.

You like me to give you a bath while you...

No, no, no. Thank you. Go on.

- 'Cause I'll do it now. - Get out of here.

Okay, Massa. I'll wash your feet, Massa.

It is so hard to get good help these days.

Oh...

Pull.

You ever miss?

Just on purpose.

Oh, boy. Here comes trouble.

Can you be nice for once?

You just watch her.

I'm watching.

That's not what I'm talking about.

She does it again, don't come crying to me.

I look like a fool to you?

And then some.

You just remember:

a stiff dick ain't got no conscience.

Hey, Hap.

Hey.

Leonard.

Trudy.

Check up on you later.

Remember what I said.

He mad about something?

He doesn't like you.

I forgot.

No, you didn't.

Been a while, huh?

Hmm.

I wanted to look good.

You do.

Jazzercise.

I got myself a video, and I do what it says.

Us older ladies have to work at it.

Well, it's working.

So you want something?

Got any coffee?

Mm-hmm.

Should we go up to the house?

That's where the coffee's at.

You still working the rose fields?

It's honest work.

You deserve better.

What're you gonna do when you're too old for it?

You sound like Leonard.

Maybe he's smarter than I think.

Oh, he is.

Why's he hate me so much?

Well, it was 20 years ago...

But I think him joining up for the war

and then you giving him hell for it

had something to do with it.

I still think he was wrong.

If no one would fight, there'd be no wars.

How's...

What's his name?

Howard.

Howard.

I don't think I'm cut out for marriage.

I had you, and I screwed that up, didn't I?

It was no great loss.

I left you for Pete and Pete for Bill

and Bill for Howard.

We got divorced a year ago.

Oh.

Maybe I ought to grow up.

Relationships are all about trust, I hear.

I trust you.

I've missed you, Hap.

It's been a long time.

Remember that summer

when we would dance till the roadhouse closed?

Fool around in the back of your car

underneath the stars?

I wasn't fooling.

Neither was I.

Huh.

Is that for me?

Oh, that's not fair.

Nothing is, sugar.

- Yeah? - She still there?

Yeah.

Shit.

Well, nice knowing you, brother.

A hard dick knows no conscience.

A wise man once told me that.

Bullshit. It always mean more to you.

This is Leonard you're talking to,

not some rose field nigger.

'Cept you are a rose field nigger.

And so am I.

A white one.

What you doing up so late, minding my business?

Trying to get drunk.

She gonna dump you again, you know?

You listening to Roy?

That's not good.

Not when you're drinking, buddy.

She still talking that hippie shit?

People change, Leonard.

Wow...

Like the '60s, man. Neat.

I was there too, Hap.

It was just the '80s with tie-dyed T-shirts.

Now, don't fall for it.

No. Nothing to fall for.

Just getting laid.

Yeah.

Guess every time you take a shit...

come out smelling like lollipops too,

you dumb son of a bitch.

Leave it.

It looks good.

I'm starting to look like my dad.

There's no beauty in perfection, honey.

Hmm.

What's with the birdcage?

Picked it up at a yard sale.

Reminded me of Cheep.

It's funny, you know, but I miss that little bird.

Me too.

Used to fly all around the house.

Remember?

Like a Disney movie.

- Hap? - Mm-hmm.

I need your help.

I'm broke, Trudy.

All I got are bills and late notices...

I didn't come for money.

You always come for something.

You're the only one I could ask.

It's big.

And it could be good for both of us.

Okay.

Ask.

Hap, my love,

how would you like to make $200,000?

You're soft, boy.

You fight like a man that's been getting laid.

And you hit like a man who isn't.

You're cute when you gloat.

You know that?

Yeah. I'm cute when I fart.

And I'm cute when I take a shit.

No, when you take a shit,

you look like you're meltin'.

Stop!

So what you doing here, anyway?

You ain't never woke up this early on a Sunday morning

in your life.