The Mortician

Yo, y'all remember that nigga Daniel from 16th Street?

Yeah. - Fucking tough-ass nigga Daniel, yo.

That's my fucking word. I see that nigga in jail, right?

Within a fucking week they had the nigga wearing a fucking wedding dress.

I'm serious... and carrying a fucking Bible.

I thought... that's my fucking word. I swear to fucking God.

Like they fucking beat his ass down mad fucking...

Fucking cocksucker-ass nigga.

So anyways, like I was telling you, right? That's my word.

I fucking slapped that nigga's fucking face.

No.

Move it, before the flies lay eggs.

What the fuck are you looking at, boy?

Worse than my damn kids.

Man, that's fucked up.

Just shut up and pick 'em up, sugar britches.

Bitch.

Motherfucker.

Why don't you turn up the frost?

They be getting hot back there.

Y'all cool now?

Fucking chillin', yeah.

...to endorse the emergency bailout of Goldberg, Lesser...

...is claiming the Federal Bank itself is on the verge of bankruptcy.

Fuck the banks, man.

G-man needs to give a serious cash injection to this shithole.

That's what... that's what the fuck needs to happen.

It's all about keeping these monkeys in the zoo.

As long as their shit doesn't spill over...

...in their fancy backyards, they could give a fuck.

Yeah, they pay us dumbasses to clean up the fucking mess.

Damn right, brother. And be thankful for the work.

Thankful my ass.

Make way for the man, fellows.

He got work to do.

Mm-hmm. - We've been keeping him busy.

Shit. Yeah.

Listen, my friend,

I'll be seeing you later.

Yeah.

Fucking pussy. See how he ran in there?

Shitting his pants.

City mayor slashed the law enforcement budget...

...in the metropolitan area by 60% as a last-ditch attempt...

...to stave off bankruptcy procedures.

This follows the closing...

...of an additional six inner-city schools...

...and the Greenborough Memorial Hospital.

Help. Help.

Oh hey, brother. How's your day?

Fine.

I've got three in the back, execution,

covered with some pretty nasty shit.

Where's your porter?

Gone.

Jesus.

Where's the gurney?

Not here, please.

It was a pleasure, as always.

He gives me the fucking creeps, man.

He's a weird motherfucker, man.

You think he talks to the stiffs?

He's beautiful again.

It's as if he's reborn.

Thank you.

You have no conception of how reconciled you've made me.

Shut the fuck up, you little bastard.

Don't talk to him like that.

Then make him fucking stop.

Give him to me. Give him to me.

He's your son.

She always had class.

She was a proud,

discrete woman.

She would do anything for you.

I tried to take care of you myself,

but the state intervened.

She would do anything for you.

What the fuck did you say to me?

I do trust...

...you'll enjoy your time here.

Yeah, excuse the stench.

We do everything we can here,

but summer's upon us.

Hi.

Well,

this fabulous young man is Noah.

He's your replacement porter.

He's been gifted to us by the ever-so-well-meaning...

...offenders rehabilitation service...

...gang member,

multiple gun violations, yada-yada-yada.

But due to his parole officer's...

...acute sense of irony,

he has to complete his probation...

...wheeling in bodies for your delectation.

Well, I guess you two...

...should get along fabulously.

You'll find a lab coat in the locker room.

And please make sure your hands are scrubbed.

A'ight, bro.

Please place that in the garbage pail.

Please, could you stop that? It disturbs me.

You need to relax, man.

So, yeah, what is it exactly

I gotta do around here?

When a delivery is made, I would like for you...

...to bring the bodies through here for processing.

I would also like for you...

...not to disrupt my concentration as I work.

Now if there's nothing else,

please let me pass.

Oh, yes sir.

I'm sorry. Excuse me. You all right, bro?

She had to bring you up on her own.

She would do anything for you.

I tried to take care of you myself.

He's been crying all day.

Jesus, take care of him. Can't you feed him something?

I ain't got nothing to give him.

Fuck. Shit.

You go get some food. You're the big man around here.

Hey, sweetie, come up. Get out of that rain.

Come on.

Oh, honey, you're soaked.

Poor baby.

Let's get you comfortable, honey.

Come on.

All right, honey, just lay back.

Relax. That's it.

Oh, honey, you are always so cold.

You need some loving to warm you up.

...$137 million...

...from the metro public pension program.

This is the latest...

...in the series of corruption scandals...

...that has plagued the mayor's office.

The FBI...

Fasten your lab coat.

Yes sir, master sir.

I swear to God.

Fuck this bullshit. I'll cut the motherfucker up.

Fucker. I'll fuck him up for good this time, I swear.

How's about you keep your eyes to yourself, man?

I mean there's a lot of shit you don't need to know nothing about.

You feel me? So why don't you just mind your own business?

Still locking that, huh?

You know anybody we want in there, gets in there.

Say,

you seen a little kid...

...about yea high,

pretty like me?

No.

Are you sure about that?

Yes. - Yes, you've seen him?

Or yes, you're sure you ain't seen him?

I haven't seen the boy.

Say you haven't.

Know this:

I've taken a liking to that boy.

So if you come across him,

you're obliged to tell me.

You get me?

That's it. I'm out of here.

Hey kid, wait.

Wait.

This place gives me the creeps, man.

Yeah, well, you don't have to work here.

This is fucked up.

I'm telling you, Carver ain't messing.

He wants the kid bad. - Well, he ain't here.

Yeah, well, he's bound to wind up here sooner or later.

Yo, my man, you seen the kid around here, man?

What's his fucking problem?

The dude's straight up weird.

I want to come in.

It's not permitted.

Just let me in.

No, you're not allowed.

Please.

Why do you want to come in here anyway?

Just let me in.

I can't let you in.

Well, then fuck you. Go on, fuck off.

Hey, kid, you need to calm down.

I hate you.

You're late. - Yeah, I know.

All right, man, so I'm late. Whatever.

I had some personal shit to take care of.

Delivery.

Porter?

Just get off me.

Porter.

The name's fucking Noah, man, all right?

What was that all about? - Mind your fucking business.

You have another 13 minutes to work before you go.

What are you talking about, man? It's 6:00.

You were 13 minutes late this morning.

You need to make it up.

Man, fuck that. Man, I'm gone.