Dogs Don't Wear Pants (Koirat eivät käytä housuja)

Daddy!

It bit me.

Mum!

Daddy caught a fish!

Elli! Go back! Go!

A FILM BY J-P VALKEAPÄÄ

DOGS DON'T WEAR PANTS

Right.

Day off tomorrow. A game of tennis?

Can't make it. Got something else.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ELLI!

THANKS FOR THE CAKE!

- Did you hear the music? - What?

No. Happy birthday.

Good. You shouldn't, yet.

- Let's go. - Wait, dad. One thing.

My coat's over here. Come.

Come on.

Satu!

He's my dad. Satu is my music teacher.

- Hi! Satu. - Juha.

Will you come to Elli's performance next week?

Performance?

Our concert. I told you about it.

- He's coming. - Yes, I will.

- I'll put a ticket aside for you. - Thanks.

- I'm getting my tongue pierced today. - Really? Ouch.

I'll bite my tongue.

Let's go.

- Nice to meet you. - Yes.

Likewise.

Bye!

We can still turn back.

Come on!

Stick your tongue out. Say ah.

Perhaps your dad should step out before we start.

It's a bit crowded here.

There's a coffeemaker round the corner.

Dad, go away.

Okay.

Dad?

Right.

That went well.

- Or did it hurt much? - No.

Good.

Right.

A bit different, this is.

We used to go to the Natural History Museum on your birthdays.

- I could take you there some day. - Yeah.

Would be fab.

Dad.

- Good night. - Good night.

That's so neat.

- Not swollen at all! - That's right.

When I got mine, it was so difficult to talk.

Show it again.

- That's so cool. - It's really great.

Elli, what's that on your tongue?

- Show us! - Go away.

- That's for blowjobs, right? - Fucking jerks.

- Never mind them, they're just boys. - They're stupid.

- That's shit cool, really. - Awesome. I want one, too.

If you approve tongue studs, you stifle your child's rebellion.

A boyfriend of mine had a piercing.

Some chain-ring chimaroo.

Down there.

It had a name, too.

I understand them in principle, on the sexual side.

Even that some people consider them aesthetic.

But from an anatomical point of view I don't think

that the urethra needs more than one hole.

Can't remember its name. I called it the Fagotto.

You're alive after all.

You like this, don't you?

You like this, nice boy.

Good boy.

Down!

Good.

Did you wash yourself?

You don't smell as bad as last time.

What a nice boy you are.

Dominatrix's pet. Are you?

Are you?

I've got a small present for you.

I'll leave it here by the door.

Thank you.

Hello?

How did you get this number?

Yes, I am Mona.

What do you want?

Any special requests?

Whipping, pissing? Strap-ons, anal stuff?

Nipple pinching? Electric shocks, slashing?

Yes.

Yeah.

I know how the heart works.

I've got nothing to change into.

- I didn't... - Silence!

Good boy.

Start panting.

Start panting!

If you want to get what you want, you obey. Got it?

- What's this? Pants? - I didn't...

Dogs don't wear pants. Take them off.

Off, off, off.

Shirt, too. Off it comes.

There.

Much better.

Good boy.

On all fours.

- For fuck's... - Down!

Good.

What a nice dog.

What a fine dog.

Come.

Down! Crawl.

Chop chop.

Dominatrix hears you've been bad.

You been a bad dog?

Say it.

- You've been a bad dog? - Yes.

Yes.

I've been a bad dog.

You need to be punished.

My boot is dirty. Lick it clean.

We never...

You want to be fucked, dog?

Clean it.

More!

Good.

Sit.

More.

How's your tongue?

It's okay.

I'm vegan.

Did you call Satu?

- What? - Did you call Satu?

- What? - About the tickets.

So you'll be sure to get them.

I'll call her.

- It's tomorrow. - What?

My performance is tomorrow.

You're really brave.

Everything's all right.

Just close your eyes.

Just breathe easy.

My wife's leggings. I left mine at the gym.

Right.

The doctor said my back will never mend.

Don't listen to those pessimists.

I must take this.

Hello.

Mona?

I'd like to see you again.

- Hi there. - Hi!

- You have it? - Yeah.

Here.

Thanks, darling.

What's so funny?

Thanks for these clothes.

- I wouldn't have had... - Shut up!

Dogs don't speak.

Come.

Why's the dog free?

Bad dog.

Get down.

On your hands and knees!

- Been a bad dog, have you? - I've...

Dogs don't speak. Bad boy!

- Don't come in! - I'm sorry. I didn't...

- You've got no business here. - I won't come in.

I didn't mean to... I just wanted to apologize.

I wasn't quite cognisant in there.

Anyway, I'm very sorry.

I hope that...

Would it be possible next time

to strangle me for a bit longer?

I passed a health check recently, my heart's all right.

Tomorrow all right with you?

Yes.

- Same time? - Yes.

Right.

Good.

Bye.

- Hi. - Hi!

- I must cancel tomorrow's customer. Will you tell him? - Sure.

- Aren't you coming? - I am.

- A different customer. - Okay.

Hi, Elli.

Today?

I'm coming. Yes.

I'm busy here at the job. Take the bus.

No, take the bus. See you there.

No time for that. See you.

- You going? - Got to take care of something.

Haven't you heard? We got us one more operation.

Right.

Hey. Juha.

They're waiting for us!

Elli's concert is tonight.