Free Lunch Express

Oh my goodness.

Oh, hello. Welcome. I'm just reading this remarkable story about

you know, the man here, the man of the hour.

I guess it's true, fact can be sometimes stranger than fiction.

Dear old Bernie. What a story, want to hear it? Oh, why not?

What else are you going to do for the next hour or so.

Once upon a time,

in the land of the free and the home of the brave,

came a man who thought capitalism was, oh, so great. In a country much blessed,

he was very unimpressed. Believing the prosperous to be evil,

he devised a plan of upheaval.

"Free stuff for all," he opined, "On the taxpayer's dime."

And thinking himself quite clever and grand, he attempted to become

leader of the land.

Come with me and as we go on,

you'll see exactly what could go wrong. Oh, Bernie.

Bless his cotton socks.

Bernie, what can you tell us about Hillary's email controversy?

Do you agree with the Republican's call for your opponent to be locked up?

Go for it. Go for the jugular, buddy.

You could take Hillary out once and for all.

You can be president. You can be president.

- Bernie. - Huh?

Bernie, your response.

All I've got to say about that is the American people

are sick and tired of hearing about her emails.

Oh, crap.

Crap! Crap!

Hillary!

Oh, crap.

Hi, sweetie, go wash up for dinner.

Wait a second. Stop. stop.

Oh my God. Bernard, another black eye what happened?

- Nothing. - Harris Todd steal your lunch money again?

- I will go to that school. I will break his little fingers. - I don't want to talk about it.

You never want to talk about it.

What's going to become of our Bernie?

What? Easy, easy, easy. Come on. What? He'll find his way.

No, no, no. I'm serious about this.

Is he going to be a doctor? No!

Is he going to be a shrewd lawyer?

- What are the chances? - What? Come on. Come on.

Wait. Do you think he'll be a prosperous businessman.

- It's never gonna happen! - You don't know that!

I'm sick and tired of rich kids

like Harris Todd stealing my lunch!

Let's face facts. Darcy, let's face facts.

Bernie hasn't been the same since he became interested in cloning.

Oh, stop it. You're obsessed with the Communism. As far as I'm concerned,

- I think he's on to something. - All right, at this juncture,

he'll be lucky if he becomes a pharmacist or even

a soda jerk for that matter.

From now on, I get the lunches.

I'm ready, Comrade Stalin. I'm ready.

If you want to have a doctor, well, maybe we should think about having more kids.

Huh.

We could do that.

- Come here. Come on, the hands. - Okay, you and your hands. Oh my God. No!

I totally pledge with this blood oath to dedicate my life

to never picking up a dinner check,

never donating to charity, like in the glorious Soviet Union.

Making sure the government pays for everything.

And I mean everything.

Oh my God, you're like an animal.

Ow!

Get your hands off of me!

Ow! Owee!

Oh my God, stop it!

Five alpha, take one, mark one.

I have to say, bullying Bernie was problematic.

But he was prone to fainting which needless to say made it very difficult

to shake him down for lunch money.

Because you know once I, uh,

confronted him, he did pass out right there on the playground.

Now that I think about it, uh,

I fully believe that was a tactic.

What he lacked in intelligence,

he made up with sloth.

Know our first date?

I paid for the movie and the popcorn,

and he said is it...

Oh. Pff!

No.

I don't know why you have to go up to Vermont.

It's a godforsaken place where there are more cows than people.

An eagle has to soar, Ma.

- So, there's a pigeon. - Technically pigeons don't actually soar,

they just sort of flap their wings around for short periods of time!

- Spitting hairs. - Freida says that they don't have a synagogue

- in the entire state! - Did Freida also tell you that Vermont has some of

the most lenient welfare qualifications in the country?

Let the boy go, Dorothy.

He's eating us out of house and home.

- I'm gonna miss you. - Ma.

- Dorothy. - All right, Ma.

Dorothy! Come here, you.

Son, just one little piece of advice.

- Yeah? - Watch out for those mountain women,

- they'll break you in half. - Mountain women. Okay, thanks, Pa.

Bernard, wait.

I found these under your bed. It gets cold in Vermont. I figured you could use them.

Okay. Thanks, Mom.

George Washington? What are you doing here?

It was either me or Jefferson, and I drew the short straw.

But why?

You are... you need to get your mind right.

- It's not too late. - Okay. My mind is perfectly fine.

- Thank you very much. - That's exactly what Benedict Arnold said.

- What are you insinuating? - Bernie.

This country was founded on the principles of freedom, equality and prosperity.

America is The shining city on the hill.

It's a beacon of opportunity for we, the people...

Woah. By we, the people, do you mean the wealthy one percent

or the evil corporations?

Believe it or not Bernie, one day...

you're gonna be a one percent.

- Really? - Mm.

No, I mean, that's bad.

That's... that's very bad. Then I'm going to change it to being

the one tenth of one percent.

Look, I've got to get to another dream for this

- Cherokee woman named Elizabeth who's about to apply to Harvard. - Right on.

You can still turn back. It's not too late.

Nah. Sorry, but I got a blood pact

with another founding father from a different country.

Hey, I know all about your Joseph Stalin, the man who killed

20 million of his own countrymen in the name

- of Socialism and really... - That number seems a little bit high to me.

Also, it's Communism not Socialism, by the way.

Your intransigence will define you.

Bombing moved out of state.

Gone gone to the next world.

Just.

Headed to Vermont?

- Why are you off to Vermont, pal? - I don't know.

- I'd rather not say. - Well...

I'm gonna say you're headed

to Vermont for the easy wealthy payments.

Am I right? 'Cause you know what, pal?

You've got welfare cheat written all over you.

If you must know, I've gone to Vermont to be part of the utopian commune

in the same vein as the Soviet Union.

All right, old pal, you know what?

I might not speak French, but I can understand bullshit when I hear it, eh?

Let me be perfectly clear. There's nothing wrong with Communism.

Oh, right oh. The fourth Marx brother then now, are we?

Well, actually, there were four Marx brothers, so technically speaking

if I was an extra brother, I'd be the fifth Marx brother.

Whatever, pal. You're a bit of a joker either way.

And why, pray tell are you going to the Green Mountain State?

For real, I'm not clipping the government.

I'm clipping sheep.

What's the difference?

Hello, Mother. Hello, Father.

Here I am at Camp Granola.

Camp is not so super gripping. But I think I'll have some fun.

When I stop tripping. I did mushrooms with Jill Spivey.

She developed poison ivy.

- Sanders, we need to have a discussion. - Yeah. Yeah, of course.

- What is it Miss, Qin? - Have I or have I not asked you multiple times

to clean the downstairs bathroom?

I seem to recall you mentioning something about that in passing.

However, I'm certain there are other members of this commune

that are more qualified for that particular job than me.

I'm trying to stay centered here,

but it seems pretty obvious to me

that you don't get what a commune is.

Madame, I assure you that I am familiar with the concept of the collective.

No, no, we divvy up all the household chores to maintain our existence and we share all

material goods for the betterment of all, we're creating a Utopia.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I read the brochure.

And speaking of sharing. Why are you bogarting your stash?

That is a totally false accusation.

I want everyone to be as high as I am

or possibly even higher.

We found this under a rock in the backyard.

LSD, psilocybin, Thai sticks. Primo shit, Bernie.

I swear to you, that is not mine.

Oh. And we found this picture of you stashing it under the rock!

- That could be anybody. - Oh, really? Well, it looks like you.

- Look at that hair. - Okay, I'll come clean.

Yeah, that's me. But I swear to you, I was just holding on to that stuff for a friend.

You are so screwed.

- Did I mention that I had a blood pact with Stalin? - Congratulations.

Ouch!

What a bastard.

All right, 30 seconds, scene 10, take two, slap sticks.

Bernie Sanders.

Where do I start?

Well, for one thing, he really enjoyed doing things with other people's money.

Like the one time he organized a big May Day celebration.

He collected five dollars from everyone in the commune

for what he said would be a big feast followed by some mind-blowing fireworks.

But what did we get?

Some really bad borscht and burning.

On the front lawn.

In a loincloth.

And something just that I can never unsee

were some really lame sparklers, okay?

It still messes with my head to this day.