An Idiot Abroad

Marco Polo, one of the world's greatest explorers.

In the 13th century, he embarked on an epic journey from Venice to China

that took over three years to complete.

Now Ricky Gervais is sending his mate Karl Pilkington

to follow in his footsteps.

But this time he's got a little company.

Will you stop just puffing and panting like that?

Jesus Christ! It's like a Primark sale.

He said if he did it again, he'd want some company this time.

He meant me, but I've sent someone in my place.

Grab hold of that bit. I can't see.

They are like chalk and cheese. Karl whinges all the time.

He's doing me head in. He's treating it like a holiday.

He says he doesn't want adventure. He doesn't want stress.

I'm just not a good swimmer.

Once you're in, it'll be fine.

Warwick never says no. He'll take on a challenge.

Tease the camera, tease the camera!

Now do a little bit from Oliver! Good.

It's not the night for this, is it?

- Warwick, you'll have to do it. - I'm not doing it.

They're gonna have the adventure of their lifetime

whether they like it or not.

Whoa.

Mate.

Thank you for signing up for another adventure.

You're gonna take the Marco Polo route.

He started it all off. One of the most famous explorers of all time.

And he went from Venice through Europe, Asia,

and you're gonna end up in China.

I remember telling you when Dick Whittington walked to London,

that he had a cat with him, his cat.

And you went, "Why take a cat, right? Take a little mate."

I didn't mean a little mate. I meant take a mate.

Take someone who can help you, bring something with them.

Oh, hang on. Whoa! So what are you saying?

That I'm not gonna bring anything to the party here?

I've never seen a dwarf go on a round-the-world trip

on any programme.

Ranulph Fiennes, or whatever his name is,

when he climbed Everest,

he didn't say, "Here's me little mate I brought."

If we're being honest, though...

Karl, what's his height

- got to do with it? - Yeah.

I just think you're gonna be a hindrance.

Oh, this is really bad.

Normally, when I've done these things in the past,

all I've had to do is worry about meself.

Yeah.

I don't have that many mates, I don't think I need them.

And maybe that's part of what's worrying me,

that you're like a little sort of limpet hanging on, dragging me back.

- That's how it feels. - Limpet?

Well, that's... something that's just clinging on,

a stag beetle, a leech, taking from me...

Yeah, not a limpet. That would be insulting.

A stag beetle or a leech, he means.

A leech sucking me blood, taking me energy because you're going,

"Can you carry this? Can you carry that?"

- I'll be fine. - It's not fine.

I tell you what, I want that little bit on me phone

with you going, "I'll be fine,"

so that when you're shitting out a lung, I can go, "Remember that?"

"I'll be fine."

That's what worries me, he hasn't got a clue.

It's not all luxury.

- It'll be fine, honestly. - It won't be fine.

Marco Polo, this is where he was from.

This is where he started it.

Just think how old all this stuff is.

You'd soon get sick of it, though, wouldn't you?

It's a town made for mermaids.

Do you know what I mean? It's just hassle.

Yeah, but if you lived here, it wouldn't be a hassle

'cause it's part of your life.

And you realise, when you want to get from there to there,

you either jump on a gondola or you walk up to a bridge and cross.

Yeah, I think we've moved on, haven't we?

The time when we walked out the water, we stopped swimming about.

We were fish, weren't we, millions of years ago?

We weren't fish.

We were some sort of swimming grub-type thing.

And it grew up into people.

Now, I don't know how old this place is, but it suited us more back then.

It doesn't work, living like this.

- Of course it works. - It doesn't work, living on water.

This city has been here for hundreds of years.

- Where are we going? - Just keep going straight.

I've got no option. I'm like Pac-Man.

It's like a fire alarm's gone off, and everyone's just hanging about.

They've come to see this, St Mark's square.

- It's beautiful. - Never heard of it.

1600s, right, this was the centre for culture and entertainment in Europe.

You can just feel the energy.

It's interesting how the human body was represented.

The body hasn't changed, has it, from how it was then.

It's just that they were probably more tanned

'cause they all walked about with their tackle out.

If you're walking about with next to nowt on all the time,

you're gonna make an effort to have a six-pack.

I've got a T-shirt on, so I'm not bothered.

No one's got any pets.

- Why do you think there should be pets? - Just to cheer it up a bit.

If there was a fat ginger cat sat in the corner,

it would take the edge off someone being clubbed to death.

This is the stuff memories are made of.

Oh, hey!

- That's good, isn't it? - Jesus Christ!

I'll tell you, that is gonna get right on me tits

if he continues this touristy thing he's doing.

He's treating it like a holiday.

It's not how Marco Polo did it.

He wasn't stopping every five minutes feeding pigeons.

He was an explorer.

He's pissed off over there buying ice cream or postcards or something.

He's left me with his bag.

Fucking ice cream. It's gonna take forever, isn't it?

This, getting all the way to China.

I got you an ice cream.

It's melted a bit. It was a long way.

- Do you like vanilla? - Yeah, I like vanilla, yeah.

- We can't keep doing this, though. - What?

Sort of wandering about taking pictures and that.

'Cause it's not me, this.

Yeah, but I'm trying to open your mind and open your eyes a bit

to appreciate where we are and what we're doing.

So we do the pigeons, we get ice cream, Italian ice cream...

I don't need to do the pigeons.

I've never heard anyone say, "I'm going to Venice."

"What for?" "To do the pigeons."

We've got them in Trafalgar Square.

Now I'm starting to think I'm here

with the wrong person, to be honest.

I'm not moaning on purpose, it's just...

No, I know.

And you weren't to know, but I don't like this sort of setup.

I mean, what's a lion doing up there with wings on?

If that was done today, you'd go, "What's that shit?"

- Excellent, lovely. - Thank you.

With the rose petals. What a lovely room.

It's like going away with a girlfriend for the first time or something.

You're suddenly, "This is it. I'm with her all the time."

It's when you find out what people, sort of, are like,

the little downfalls, the little irritating things that they do.

Everything's exaggerated.

That's why honeymoons shouldn't be after the wedding.

You should do it before it and find out if you like each other.

Are you looking forward to today?

Yeah. I've got some fun things I want to do.

I also want to show Karl

the idea of the masked ball and all of that sort of thing.

It's a tradition that goes back years, and it gave people anonymity

and they could actually sort of live out their alter egos behind these masks.

And even nuns and priests would do it,

and so they could get away with things they couldn't normally get away with,

which I think is quite interesting.

This is it here.

- Fancy dress. - There you go.

- Dressing up. - Masks.

So, choose your character.

- Oh, I hate this sort of thing. - Why?

'Cause it's really forced fun.

The idea is, right, people never had any sort of anonymity.

So to give them that,

they would wear the mask and they could become somebody else,

another persona.

Everyone did this?

Everybody did it. Everyone got involved.

Look at that. Hats look good on me, don't they?

That actually doesn't do a lot for you, that one, to be honest.

Hang on, they knew you were coming.

Now that's funny, that's cheered me up. That's you wearing it, not me.

That suits you, it totally changes you. Honestly.

I want to find the one that's like the plague doctor.

He had a huge nose.

So the doctor would wear something like that?

Well, yeah.

So you go in for a serious check-up, and he comes out...

- I don't know whether he's doing that... - Hi, Mr Davis, listen.

You've got cancer of the bollocks.

I don't want bad news from someone like this.

It's cheered me up though, hasn't it? I don't feel so bad about that now.

Hello, good morning.

It's a lovely shop you have here.

Oh, thank you.

We are going to a masquerade ball tonight

and we need to have the appropriate outfits.

Sure. This is more simple, more silent.

Or this one is nice, too, this joker.

- This is great, this. - Yes.

Let's just see if it fits.

Don't try and wear it like a smart suit. You've gotta wear it as the character.

You're not holding it right now, Karl.

But that's what I'm comfortable with.

I'm not comfortable when I play all the characters that I play.

You keep mentioning that as if you've done loads of stuff

like Shakespeare. You dressed up as a bear in Star Wars

and a green gnome in something else that you always go on about.

Hang on. Okay, think about the bear in Star Wars.