Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Peralta, are you eating

an Italian sub for breakfast?

- I am, but Amy said I should eat more veggies,

so I got extra pepperoncinis.

Smart.

Uh, excuse me.

You need to watch yourself.

- I'm sorry... cop.

- All right, let's everybody just stay calm here.

Or what?

Are you gonna arrest me for dancing?

You call that dancing?

This is dancing.

What is happening?

I'm defusing the situation.

- Whoa... dancing captain.

Must capture image of a lifetime!

Oh, why is my phone always dead?

I paid $13 for it.

- Don't worry, Jakey. I got it.

- Okay. Oh!

- Oh, my hands are covered in butter

from making butter.

I'm on it!

Must record, must record!

Camera on.

All right. Here we go.

Dancing over.

Situation defused.

No!

Jakey!

Hey!

Are you guys wearing one scarf?

- Yep, Charles forgot his this morning.

It's actually quite romantic.

I think he did it on purpose.

Uh, let's just say,

I definitely did it on purpose.

Now, twirl me, darling!

You got it, sweet potato.

- Ah, I can't get away from you.

- All right, you guys are adorable.

- Tell me everything the doctor says

about your uterine climate.

Oh, and also that.

- Genevieve and I have big news.

- Is this something other people would keep private?

- Big time! We're trying to have a baby!

Oh, wow!

That is awesome.

But wait, Charles, I thought you were sterile.

I distinctly remember you using the phrase--

Shooting dust.

- Yes, thank you for not making me say it.

- Yeah, it's true I lost the ability

to procreate after the accident.

Drop your weapons!

Yeah, I still don't know

why you dove in crotch first.

- Thankfully, my ex-wife, Eleanor,

made me get a vasectomy a year before that.

As a precaution, I froze some sperm--

a lot of sperm.

Guy going in after me was like,

"Whoa, nice!"

- Wow, he sounds like a gross dude.

- Yeah. - Should we go into work?

- Yes. - Great.

Hey, so do you think maybe

you're rushing into the whole baby thing?

I mean, you guys have only been dating three months.

She's the one, Jake.

I'm done with that playboy lifestyle--

out till 11:00, drunk on sangria.

I don't want that anymore.

I just want to be a papa.

- Okay, yeah, so, hey, this is awesome.

You're gonna have a baby.

I know!

And you're gonna be its best friend.

- Ah, well, based on the age diff,

maybe more of a fun uncle/mentor.

Baby's best friend.

- All right, so... nonnegotiable.

Here's the deal, Steven.

We already got you on shoplifting.

Now let's talk about the 200 cloned credit cards

in your bag.

I'm not saying anything.

- Look, punk, there are two ways we can do this--

the easy way or the hard way.

- Tell him what the hard way is, boss.

Well, first, Steven,

we're gonna fill out form 38E-J1,

stating noncompliance.

We send it to the DA,

but do they process it right away?

No, because they're overwhelmed

because Debra's on maternity leave.

So your court date won't be set for six or eight weeks,

and even then, you're gonna have to block off the whole day,

because they don't give you a specific time.

No, no, it's a window.

Sir...

Can I talk to you for a second?

I thought we were gonna to try to scare him.

- There's nothing scarier than the realities

of the municipal court system.

Now, come on; let's get back in there

and tell him about how bad the website is.

Look, I'll talk.

Of course you will.

But I'll only talk to her.

You want to talk to Gina?

- Yeah, hi. Do you sell purple pants?

All right, well, good day, then.

It's not the turnout I was hoping for.

Maybe I should've offered free strudel;

then at least Scully would've come.

There's free strudel?

- Where the hell did you come from?

I don't get it.

I am shocked that more people

wouldn't want the tutelage of our precinct's--

nay, our city's most esteemed sergeant.

- What do you want, Santiago?

- To learn the majestic art of self-defense

from our city's-- nay, our country's--

- Come on, man, out with it!

I want to start class.

- Okay, I'm applying for a mentorship program

for up-and-coming detectives.

It's called "Star Achieving Mentors,

Star Achieving Mentees," or SAM-SAM for short.

Would you write me a recommendation?

Of course I will.

You'd be great.

Thank you, Sarge.

All right, everyone.

Pay attention.

Santiago, I'm gonna come at you,

and you're gonna take me down.

You better impress me if you want

that recommendation to be good.

I'm gonna try, Sarge.

All right, here we go.

- Oh, no, no! - My nose!

My nose! You broke my nose!

Oh, there's so much blood!

I'm so sorry!

Get me a towel!

Okay, all right.

And that's what you get

for lying about free strudel.

Karma's a bitch.

Get out of here, Scully!

Case closed, justice served.

Peralta amazing-- oh, God.

Oh, no, no...

Charles, Charles!

Your ex-wife is here.

Eleanor?

The destroyer of worlds?

Why? - Maybe it's nothing bad.

Maybe some of your mail got sent to her house.

Oh, God, I hope not.

If that happened, she would be livid.

- Oh, well, just don't assume the worst.

That's all I'm saying.

- Then why did you bring up the mail thing?

I don't...

Hello, Chunk.

Heard you want your sperm.

You gonna have to go through me.

- Oh, no, this is way worse than the mail thing.

What mail thing?

- Nothing. There's no mail thing.

There's no mail thing. But it's my sperm.

How did you even find out I wanted it?

- Because the account's under my name.

Storage facility called me saying

that you were looking to make a withdrawal.

So I went ahead and withdrew it for you.

I have all of your sperm.

- But you don't even care about it, Eleanor.

I mean, remember?

"Oh, hey, Charles,

"I'll never have a baby with you

"because I don't love you,

and a child's not gonna fix that!"

- Oof, when he started doing the silly voice,

I thought it was gonna be more fun, but...wasn't.

Well, I do not want your DNA.

I want something else.

I hit some dumbass with my car.

Now he's suing me.

What I want is for you to use your badge

and your gun to intimidate him into dropping the case.

- Wow. That is so very illegal.

He's not doing that.