The Exes

Good evening, Haskell. How was your day?

It was delightful... Peanut.

Aw, that's so cute.

You know, my ex-wife and I used to have

pet names for each other. I used to call her-

I was offering you a peanut, you freak.

Sit down!

Uh-uh-uh-uh, not there. That's Phil's seat.

How come he always gets to sit there?

It's the power seat, and he's the pack leader.

Now, put your head down, pull the sled,

and pray for scraps like the rest of us.

- Hey. - Oh, oh, the king is here.

Sire, your chair awaits.

I don't know what went down before I got here,

but I'm liking your attitude.

What's going on?

- Hey, you guys. - Hi, Holly.

Ooh, hot wings. Aah-aah... Oh!

Put down the wing, Hask-

Put it down! Put it down!

This happens to be my dinner. I'm starving.

Holly, you're eating bar food for dinner?

Well, you know, it didn't seem that pathetic

until I heard it out loud.

I'm a very high-paid divorce attorney, okay?

I don't have time to shop and cook.

You got time to chew and swallow?

Oh, she's back.

- Who's back? - What? Who?

This woman I've had my eye on.

Oh, which one?

The blonde with the black dress.

Oh, okay now, she's pretty.

- That's some good taste, Stuart. - Thank you. Thank you.

And I promised myself the next time I saw her,

I was gonna make my move.

All right, you go, man. Go get her!

- I can't wait. - He's not moving.

Why is he not moving?

You know, maybe next time.

What?

You know, Stuart,

we all had a rough time dating after our divorces.

And by "we," I mean Haskell.

But we eventually slept with dozens of women.

And by "we," I mean Phil.

Yeah, well, since my divorce,

I haven't even gotten on the scoreboard.

I'm trying to get back out there,

but I keep getting shot down.

And that's not exactly a confidence builder.

Sweetie...

Picking up women isn't rocket science.

I'm gonna show you how it's done.

No, no. You guys...

Women do not want cheesy lines and sleazy innuendo.

I mean, we want to be listened to and understood.

We want a man who is smart and sensitive and caring.

No, that's what womenthink they want.

When it comes down to it, you want a man

- who's gonna put it on you. - Ugh.

You want a man who's gonna take you there.

You want a man with a little bit of bow-chicka-wow-wow.

Well, okay, no- Don't listen to them, Stuart.

Come here. Come here, listen.

Women are attracted to what's between the ears, okay?

Just go be your sweet, smart, sensitive self.

Okay. All right. Thanks, Holly, I will.

But... I don't plan on going in unarmed.

Smile on.

Smile on, women off.

Oh, he's talking to her.

That's good. Don't look. Don't look.

She's smiling. She's laughing.

Oh, I like her. Oh, she's getting up.

Wait, she's leaving. Sit down, you bitch!

Sorry, buddy. You struck out again, huh?

Not entirely.

She said to "friend" her on Facebook.

Oh, congratulations.

You got to eighth grade with her.

Yay.

Oh, Stuart, I'm starving.

Oh, those look great.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Drop the eggs! How's it feel?

Aah!

Take it. Take it! Take it.

Holly, this is ridiculous.

You can't live on bar food and table scraps.

You need to learn how to cook.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna teach you how to make

- some quick, simple meals. - Okay, sounds good.

Haskell, you gonna eat that bacon?

We both know that's not a question.

All right, Stuart, bathroom's all yours.

Sorry it took so long, but let's face it...

It was worth it.

You know, if you would have listened to me last night,

you'd be showering at that beautiful baby's apartment.

Uh-uh, honey, you did fine.

You're not helping him.

If he wants to talk to hot chicks,

he has to learn how to get his swagger back.

Yeah, I know, he needs some chitty-chitty-boom-boom.

It's bow-chicka-wow-wow.

And you just ruined it for me.

Well, I think I know what women want,

and it's what's between the ears.

You got the between part right.

Listen...

I think I know what I'm talking about.

I'm the lady here.

Oh, boys..

All right, so tomorrow at 10:00,

you have the Rosen divorce,

and a deposition at 11:00.

And for lunch we're gonna get

matching "Keep on Truckin'" tramp stamps.

Sounds great.

Holly, are you even listening to me?

Sorry, what?

What is with you?

You have been distracted all morning.

- No, I haven't. - Yes, you have.

Something is going on. Tell me, tell me,

- tell me, tell me. - Nothing is going on.

Yes, it is. Tell me. Tell me.

I'm not stopping until you tell me,

tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me-

Shh! All right, I'll tell you.

So this morning, I'm at the guys' apartment,

and I walk into the bathroom

just as Stuart is getting out of the shower,

and I saw his-

Oh, my gosh, you saw little Stuart?

Little? That thing looked like

it was taking him for a piggyback ride.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Stuart's got a king-size giggle stick?

Yeah.

How big are we talking?

Well, any bigger, you could feed it peanuts.

Okay, I need to see a picture of this.

Draw it.

Uh, you know what, we're gonna need a bigger pad.

Okay.

And that marker- the thick kind.

- Oh... - Yep.

Okay...

Happy?

I'd like to take some personal time.

Ha ha.

Are you sure you're not exaggerating?

I mean, it's been a long time since you've seen one

face to- in person.

Yes, I'm sure. I mean, it's been a while

since I've seen the Chrysler building,

but I'd recognize it getting out of the shower.

All right, well, I'll let you get back then

to fantasizing about Stuart.

I'm not fantasizing.

Look, the whole thing just caught me by surprise.

It's kinda like the first time you see jaws

leap out of the water.

Anyway, just forget I mentioned it.

It's already been forgotten.

Uh, no. My pad.

Oh.

What?

Just gonna stick it up on my wish board.

Hi hi.

Hey, Eden, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm here to see Stuart.

I've got some divorce papers for him to sign.

Stuart's divorce was final a few months ago.

Yes, well, but, um, some of the forms

fell through the cracks.

Like the-like the I-95s

and, um, the B-52s and such.

Anyway, where's big Stu?

Wait, I thought I heard you.

Eden, what are you doing here?

Oh, she's here to see big Stu.

Big Stu? You told them, didn't you?

- Told us what? - Yeah, what?

Nothing. Nothing to tell.

Holly saw Stuart's schlong, and it's ginormous.

How ginormous?

Tall enough to ride Space Mountain on its own.

No way!

Yeah, it's true.

I walked in on Stuart this morning

in the bathroom by accident.

I'm not buying it.

Stuart doesn't carry himself like a man

who just hit the junk jackpot.

So Stuart's well-endowed. Big deal.

It doesn't change anything.