American Housewife

Look who's clearing the table without being asked.

Just trying to keep my mind off my break-up with Gina.

Wow. Depressed Oliver

has just edged out 8-year-old NyQuiled Oliver

as my new favorite Oliver.

I know breakups are tough, but you shouldn't stay home all day.

You should go out and have some fun.

You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna push your curfew back an extra hour.

- I could use an extra hour, too. - No.

Why does Oliver get an extra hour and I don't?

Oliver's trustworthy, and you're not.

- What does that mean? - Oliver good, Taylor bad.

I don't know how to make it more clear.

- Hey! - Honey, we love you,

but you have other qualities that make you special.

You've seen "The Sixth Sense" three times,

and you're always surprised by the ending.

You know why Mom and Dad trust you so much?

Because you're always studying.

You're just a goodie-goodie good grades.

"Oh, my gosh, I got an A-minus, wah, Cooper!"

Okay, first off, I wouldn't call Cooper until I was done crying.

And I'm not a goodie-goodie. I can be dangerous.

Hey, Taylor. Want to play ponies with me?

- Can't. Busy. - Taylor's blowing me off!

Taylor, play with your sister.

All she wants to do is run the boring Kentucky Derby

with her plastic ponies.

Off the turn, it's Duffy McSprinkles

with Twinkle Toes right behind.

It's a two-horse race. Duffy, then Twinkle.

Now, it's Twinkle, then Duffy!

Twinkle Toes has this all locked up, but wait!

Sergeant Hooves has come out of nowhere

and is speeding toward the finish line!

It's gonna be a photo finish!

And! It's Sergeant Hooves by a nose!

A 20-to-1 underdog has just won the Kentucky Derby!

How is that boring?

Hey, I'm thinking about buying some new sheets

with a three-digit thread count.

Which ones do you like better?

I don't think we have the money to buy anything new right now.

We don't, but I do.

I got a performance bonus at work.

I'm a little confused.

The money you make is your money,

but the money I make is our money.

You're not confused, Greg. You nailed it.

The deal was you work while I run the house.

Because those two jobs are equal,

any money you make is our money.

Following you so far,

but I feel you're about to make a weird turn.

But now, I run the house and have a job on top of that.

That is extra work, so any money that I make is my money.

Makes sense? Sure does.

Yes, but while you're working,

I'm the one who picks up the slack.

I make dinners, drive the kids to school,

put Anna-Kat to bed, and I still have a job.

Seems to me like we're still equal,

and if that's true,

any money you make should also be our money.

Time out.

Greg, this is something important in our marriage.

Before we make any decisions,

there needs to be a longer, in-depth conversation.

I agree, so I...

Oh, no, not with you.

I need to go talk to my friends about this.

So the bonus is my money.

Uhhhhhh...

This is the part where you say I'm right

and maybe compliment my hair.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Katie,

but having separate finances is a bad idea.

Can you at least do the hair part?

I wanted my money to be my money, too,

but it helped drive a wedge into my marriage.

And now my ex-wife gets all of her money and half of mine.

I could've had a beach house.

The trick to having a beach house

is not letting anyone know you have one

so that no one asks you to stay there.

Doris, do you have a beach house?

No, I don't have a beach house.

Point is, Katie, whatever money you and Greg make

should be shared.

I guess I could pay off some bills.

No! Bills are boring.

Spend it on something fun, like a ski house.

I don't have a ski house.

- Oh. She got a ski house. - Shut up.

Here are your pizzas.

Enjoy.

Oh, uh, when we arrived,

I gave the busboy a wedge of parmesan I imported from Rome

to keep refrigerated. Could you get that for me?

I could go get it,

but then I will put it someplace you don't want it.

- - Oh, my.

- - Hey, Cooper.

- Hey, Oliver. - Brie, Victoria.

Cómo estás, ladies?

Muy bien, ¿y tú?

Say what now?

You guys going to the party at The Hill later?

Wasn't planning on it.

That's a shame because we're going,

and we were hoping we'd see you there.

Well, in that case, we're there.

Awesome. See you tonight.

iHasta luego!

What in the hell is she saying?

Hey, good for you, Oliver.

- Way to get back out there. - Thanks.

It's been a while since my break-up with Gina,

and I think it's time for me to man up and move on.

You're absolutely right.

Girls are like butlers.

You may think you can't live without Chester,

but then Chester II comes along and he's just as good.

Your pep talks are never relatable.

Phyllis, Phyllis, Phyllis, please wake up.

Don't be dead like the others.

- - Please wake up.

Ugh, I'm alright. I'm alright, Obediah.

Come on. Let's go.

What is on your phone anyway that is better than ponies?

I'm playing this game called Third Day.

You run around with strangers on the Internet,

trying to stab goblins in the face.

Can I play, too?

I guess you can collect weapons and potions for me.

- I'll download it for you. -

- - See?

This way you can ignore me and play with me at the same time.

- Huh? - It's working already!

- - Well, hey, sweetie.

How was your breakfast?

Terrible.

Doris and Angela agreed with you.

Wow!

I honestly thought this day would never come!

The bonus is definitely our money,

but since it's ours, I thought we could discuss how to use it.

Okay.

What do you want to do?

- Put it in an emergency fund? - No!

Let's splurge! Blow it on ourselves!

Live life for a change!

- Go crazy! - Yes!

We can fix all the dents on the minivan.

Maybe do something about that stain

on the seat that never dries.

We're not spending the money

- on anything practical. - Okay...

We could go to that overpriced Westport Hotel and Spa.

That's an amazing idea.

We're not spending money to sleep in a hotel

in the town we live in! That's insane!

- You just suggested it! - I thought you'd say no,

and I'd be the cool and impulsive one for once.

No, Greg, it's perfect.

Fine, but can you go hard against this plan

just so I can be the cool one again?

Greg, we need to be responsible and save our money and stuff.

Sorry, Katie.

But tonight, we're splurging on ourselves

and that's final!

- We could put a little in a... - If you say "Roth IRA,"

I'm going to do a murder-suicide,

but lose my courage on the suicide part.

Okay. Thanks.

Alright, we're booked for one night in the Governor's Suite.

The room has free high-speed Wi-Fi.

I'm gonna download so many books onto my Kindle.

Why are you packing an empty bag?

For the loot. I'm taking shampoo,

toilet paper, a towel, maybe a pair of wine glasses.

We should bring packing peanuts.

Taylor, stop!

Anna-Kat, calm down!

Rock, paper, scissors for who has to deal with this.

Ah-ha! You have to parent!

Why do I always throw back-to-back scissors?

I have no sister!

Someone want to tell me why you two are fighting?

Taylor left me to be eaten alive by monsters in a dirty swamp.

Inside a game. On my phone.

I was surrounded by goblins,

and instead of helping, she ran.

And after I was killed,

she came back and stole all my weapons and healing potions.

Dad, tell her this isn't a big deal.

Anna-Kat, it's a very big deal,

and you have every reason to be mad.

- Ha! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.