American Housewife

- Oliver, could you help with the bags? - No can do,

big ballet audition coming up. Can't risk an injury.

I can guarantee you an injury

if you don't bring in this damn bag.

Are we really gonna let Oliver go off to that ballet boarding school?

I don't know.

We've really been kicking the can down the road on this one.

Now we're all out road.

I guess there's only one thing we can do.

- Tonya Harding him? - What?! No.

Let him audition and support him no matter what happens.

We definitely have different parenting styles.

What's the code for the new alarm?

The same code we use for everything... 4673.

- - Why did we even get an alarm?

Are we afraid someone's gonna break in and steal our poverty?

Well, it's interesting. The landlord installed it to lower our insurance...

Huh, turns out I don't care.

Where did 4673 come from?

It was your Dad's code when we were dating,

and then after we got married, I started using it for my pin,

and now it's code to everything in our lives.

- But what does it mean? - I don't know.

I always thought it was just a bunch of numbers.

Greg, what does 4673 mean?

Was that his "I'm caught" face?

It stands for April 6th, 1773,

the day of the Boston Tea Party.

That's not right.

The Boston Tea Party was December 16th, 1773.

Oh, look, toothpaste.

- I better put it away before it melts. - Mm.

He's clearly hiding something about that code,

and I'm gonna find out what because in this house,

only I can have secrets.

You guys sound great together.

It's all Taylor.

She is amazing.

You should be playing Audrey, not stuck as Plant Bud #3.

So, what's this play about?

Oh, Pierce plays Seymour,

who is madly in love with Audrey,

and he will do anything he can to be with her,

even getting rid of her boyfriend

by feeding him to a killer plant.

Audrey's boyfriend must be such a dope!

- - If that were me,

I'd be like, "Dude! Stop hanging out with my girlfriend!"

All right, you guys, I'll see you guys later.

You guys have great chemistry.

Grandma...

you want to play Pandemic?

It's so fun.

We have to work together to find a cure for a disease

before it destroys the world.

I'll pass.

What are you doing?

She wants to spend time with you.

Well, then she should ask me to do something

I find interesting.

Pushing through an Ambien and going online shopping

is not really her jam, so you're gonna have to come up

with another way to bond with her.

Like what?

I mean, the other two I get.

The blond one's pretty, and the boy loves money,

and those things are in my wheelhouse,

but Anna-Kat and I don't really

have anything in common.

And besides, I don't have time.

Some delinquent has been stealing my eye cream packages

from the front steps,

so now I have to sit here and wait for it to come.

I know what you guys could do together.

You could have a stakeout to see who's stealing the eye cream.

Yeah, we can use the new doorbell cam

to catch us a porch burglar with beautiful under eyes.

I wou... I would, but...

That's why you're here...

to spend quality time with your grandchildren.

Otherwise, I don't know,

go buy a tent and live in the woods,

make margaritas with your own urine.

- Stakeout it is. - Awesome!

So, I was thinking,

it's weird you got the date wrong for the Boston Tea Party,

being a history professor and all.

Oh, just 'cause I'm a history professor,

I'm supposed to know all the dates?

Do dancers know all the dances?

I bet Baryshnikov doesn't know how to do the Electric Slide.

Greg, what does "4673" mean?

This interrogation can be quick and easy,

or it could last all night.

You think about how you want to play it.

It spells out "hope" on a keypad.

Like, "Star Wars: A New Hope," "or hope springs eternal,"

my favorite phrase.

"Hope" that answers your question.

Greg, why does it spell "hope"?

Because when I got a bank card in college,

I had a crush on a girl named Hope.

That's it.

Who I then asked out...

and she said yes.

So we went out...

and continued to do so for two years.

- Two years?! - That's not that long!

Don't tell me it's not that long!

For a reality star, that is a baby, a marriage, a divorce,

and a launch of a lifestyle brand!

This is why I didn't want to tell you.

Because I knew you'd overreact.

Naw, I'm cool, bruh.

I'm not overreacting.

You've seen me overreact.

Taylor, if you don't care enough about your shoes

to put them away,

then you don't deserve to have shoes!

- Hi, Greg. - Hey, Katie.

So how did it end between you and this Hope woman?

It doesn't matter.

If it doesn't matter, then tell me.

Fine, we went out for two years,

I thought she was "the one."

Then she dumped me and broke my heart.

- Where is she now? - I don't know.

I don't know, and I don't care.

I married you.

Honey, I promise you.

This code is no big deal.

It is a huge deal!

Huge!

I can't believe Greg would even date a girl named Hope.

- Ugh, It's so trashy. - Totally.

- Actually, I love the name Hope. - Me, too.

But who cares if we like it? Hope's spirit is haunting

every nook and cranny of your marriage.

- You have to change that code. - But you can't stop there.

- Mnh-mnh. - You need to send this Hope a message.

- What do you mean? - Well, a few years ago,

I found a mix tape from Richard's middle school girlfriend.

I not only burned it,

I then tracked the skank down, stole her identity,

and then racked up all sorts of charges at Barney's.

She won't be able to buy a house for a very long time.

Solid Plan B,

but for now, I'm just gonna make him change the code.

If for no other reason than this is the first time

- you two have ever agreed on anything. - No, it's not.

- We've agreed on something before. - What?

That we both love the name Hope.

- - Y'all are bitches.

- All right, let's do this. - Okay.

That's it. I suck.

I'm never gonna get the girls' ballet scholarship.

Have fun at Deervale without me.

Even if I do get the boys' scholarship,

I'm not going without you.

Really?

So, we both go or neither of us go.

- Deal? - Deal.

We'll practice all day.

Okay, now help me get this lift.

Do it again!

Do it again!

- - Do it again!

- We did it! - Those scholarships are totally ours.

Thanks for not giving up on me.

We're in this together.

Don't do it again!

Yes, sir.

Oh, hey, Oliver.

How was ballet practice?

Great. Gina and I got our move down.

Was it this move?

Gina...

Were you pervs spying on me through the window?

We're not some creepy peeping toms.

We watched you on the doorbell cam.

I can't wait to get out of this place.

Awfully uptight for a guy who just got to first base.

- - All right, what do we got?

Shut up! I am not!

Is that Trip?

Tell him... "wassup"...

like that. Wassup?

Um, it's not Trip. It's Pierce.

Hey, Mr. Otto!

Oh. Pierce.

Is everything okay, Mr. Otto?

Yeah.

All good.

Very disappointed about something else.

Taylor's on the phone giggling with a boy other than Trip.

Pierce?

Yeah.

Trip is nice, respectful.

Sure, he pronounces spaghetti "basketti,"

but he's basically everything I want