Plan B

While I'm at the real estate convention this weekend,

I want you to finish your PSAT test book.

- Oh, Ma, do you think we can skip the coconut oil this morning?

- It's a tradition. Are you too good for tradition?

Lupe, we talked about this. Your outfit, your hair...

I mean, every day, it gets more and more ridiculous.

- Oh, Jesus wore dresses and nobody judged him, right?

- Everybody judged him, they crucified him.

- Your online grade book says you received a 96.

- What happened? - It was just one question about Judge Danforth.

It was a dumb mistake.

There are no smart mistakes, Sunny.

One little mistake can ruin the rest of your life.

- You look like a skunk, a depressed skunk.

- Thought we don't use insults in this house.

Wipe that lipstick off.

Now.

- Now I'll pay attention to the minor characters so I don't get tripped up again.

What did I do to get such a good girl?

What's up, bitch?

- Just studying for the calc test. - Fuck!

- Munchie bag? - Oh, man!

Thank you.

My dad was in full form this morning.

Someone needs to seriously depucker his asshole.

How is Logan?

Oh, real good.

Look at all the squirt emojis my butt caused.

- Ah, at least you're wearing underwear this time.

Sunny, when you start dating, you'll see,

you gotta keep 'em hooked, gotta use what God gave you.

What exactly do you think God gave me,

except a nightguard and an overbearing mother?

Sunny, you can't be embarrassed about this stuff.

Is Jason bringing the keg tonight?

- Yeah. Oh, did I tell you? We finally tried reverse cowgirl.

And? How was it?

Amazing, right?

- Yeah. I mean, it wasn't... that great for me,

but I feel like it looked cool.

My butthole's not my best feature...

- Girls are horse fucking and I haven't even had my first kiss.

I'm so behind.

- Pretty sure that's not what they mean, okay?

- Eww, gross, is that like a Mexican thing?

- Yeah, I mean, if your armpit hair's that long,

I can't imagine what else is overgrown.

Eww! Oh my God.

Glad you spent your free time thinking about what my pussy looks like, Megan.

Oh my God, I don't.

Obviously. I don't.

- That was so funny. She was really embarrassed.

Listen, obviously boys like your "au naturel" look.

Meanwhile, the underwear my mom buys me renders me invisible.

Take a look. It's like sexual camouflage.

Oh, that's your underwear?

Thought you just shaved your nipples and pubes off.

Our slumber party is gonna be bomb.

We're gonna do face masks and binge My Hero Academia. Perfect night.

- Also, I have a thousand-piece puzz that I wanted to get my claws into.

- Oh! - And we can go through all the Halloween candy that your dad confiscated.

- If you can find it. - I did and I ate it.

Oh, fuck.

When I look at Hunter, I just creamed my pants.

Who plays hockey in a cardigan?

He's like... He's like an athletic librarian.

I totally do not understand the attraction.

I mean, he's, like, cute, but he's got major guidance counselor vibes.

- Yeah. Well, maybe you should invite him over

for a little "Disney+ and Thrust," huh?

He can bang you doggy style while you watch Lady and the Tramp.

- How would we do the pasta thing if he's behind me?

Also, you know I want my first time to be romantic,

looking into each other's eyes as we make love.

- Only serial killers stare into each other's eyes while they fuck.

It's like...

Doesn't it feel weird? Doesn't it feel weird?

- Stop. - Okay, exactly.

- So don't do that. - Doesn't matter anyway. Look.

Megan Dillons has staked her claim.

- Do you need to like a little... - Well, it would be...

It's kind of dry.

How am I supposed to compete with that?

I definitely wouldn't lick it.

I don't know, deep-throat a basketball?

Hello, ladies. Sunny, Lupe.

Hi, Kyle.

What's that behind your ear?

Is that a flattened penny from the Corn Palace?

- She's never been there. - Yeah, my mom doesn't let me go there.

She's weirded out by the phallic nature of corn.

- Oh, I didn't even think about it like that. I love that place.

My church's youth group is throwing a talent show next week,

and so I'm premiering some of my new closeup magic.

You should come. My church is awesome.

I mean, Lupe, does your dad's church let you watch Harry Potter?

Because mine did.

- Kyle, how many times do I have to tell you, I don't want to compare churches?

Okay, okay, I just think it'll be fun.

Oooh!

I forgive you!

- That wedding was amazing. - All right.

Oh, that's your car?

It's so used!

Man, I could never sit in here

because it looks like you gave rides to the entire football team.

- Oh! - And what if somebody I know was given a ride?

Oh! Hell no!

- Oh, I wish I knew that nobody would want something so damaged, and ugly.

I should have saved my car for my husband.

But now... it's all used up!

Abstinence. 'Cause one joy ride could ruin your life.

- Well, that was a hoot and a half, wasn't it?

- Hey, if your vagina was a car, what would it be?

- Ferrari. - Oh, shit, really?

- Stays covered up and completely untouched in the garage.

Mine would definitely be a Transformer.

You think you know her? Boom, autobots pop out.

- I feel like if you're following the metaphor, that means that you have crabs.

- What? - Do you have crabs, Lupe?

- No. It's a surprise. - What is surprising about your vagina?

- My vagina is awesome. - Okay, so...

Basically, what's happening right now is puberty is telling you

to step on the gas,

but just trust me when I say it is okay to wait.

When you finally take that first drive,

you're gonna want it to be with your spouse, okay?

Oh, yes, Emma?

- Uh, if I let a guy ride in my trunk, that doesn't like count, right?

What if I want to drive my car alone,

you know, just to make sure that the oil still works?

- Okay, okay, does anybody have a real question?

- Yes, Hunter. It's a real question.

So, how does giving a passenger "a ride"

actually make a difference in how a car drives?

Oh, well, just because the guy can tell

if the...

upholstery was ripped

by the other passengers,

so then the car can never get back

that "new car feeling" again.

- Yeah? - You can't tear the upholstery.

That's a myth. It just stretches and then it goes...

Who is that? - ...back into place.

Yeah. Yeah, okay, okay.

So why does this groom care so much about this car

when he doesn't even have one, 'cause now he is just some bum

who is ragging on his wife

about her car?

- Right, so weird. Why would he do that? What?

He has his car.

It's just, in the video, we're just looking at his-- at her car, okay?

- Then why aren't we seeing his car being inspected?

Why is there no "his car" inspection? - We don't know where his car is.

- I prefer to take public transportation because it helps with the environment.

So... am I fucking everybody?

Uh...

Oh, yuck!

Just wanna be teaching Home Ec again.

Oh my God!

I know, I know, I know!

- Dude. You gotta ask him out. Don't lose momentum. Totally.

- Megan's dad accidentally shot himself in the foot at the ammo store,

and so he isn't going on his hunting trip. The party is canceled.

- Deep breath. - No, you don't understand, I've been planning this for two hours.

- Okay. That's a bummer.

I know.

- You know, Sunny's throwing a party at her place later.

Yeah, gonna be dope. Way doper than Megan's would have been, so...

- Yeah, Sunny throws the best parties. - Really?

Yeah, you know me.

Party queen. Love a good high school party.

With the liquors and the touching... All the other stuff. Drugs.

Tide pods. Cool.

What time? If I'm invited.

- Yeah. No, yeah, of course, you're invited. If you want to. Do you?

It's at my house, you heard that part, right?

Is 8 p.m. good for you?

8 p.m. sounds great.

- I'll see you then. - Cool.

Tight.

Cool and tight.

Like you. - Catch you later.

- Bye. What the hell, Lupe? If my mom finds out, I'm dead.

- She won't find out. She's conveniently out of town,

and according to every teen movie we've seen,

this is the perfect time to throw a party.

You're right.

- Hunter's coming to my house! - Yes!