We're Doomed! The Dad's Army Story

WARPLANE ENGINES ROAR

I'm on my own

# Nowhere to roam

# I tell you, man

# Don't need a home

I wander round

Feet off the ground

# I even go from town to town

# I say I'll be your man

You know I'll be your man

Don't bring me down

Don't bring me down

# I met this chick

The other day

# And then to her

I said I'll stay

She had this pad

# Just like a cave...

Jimmy Perry?

C 'est moi!

# I say my feet are off the ground

Say I'll be your man

Don't bring me down

# Don't bring me down...

INTERCOM BUZZES

Mr Croft, Tom will see you now.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And, no, I said to my father, I didn't need exams,

I was going to be a great actor or a famous comedian,

and... - HE LAUGHS

...he looked at me... He looked at me, like so, and said, "You stupid boy."

He did, just like, "Stupid boy."

So... Anyway. Um...

Do you know what I did when I first got this job?

I lost Tony Hancock.

Impossible demands. Nobody could've kept him.

It wasn't my fault. I got the blame.

And it's not my fault we're losing Benny bloody Hill.

"And then he pretends to be a hunchback..."

No, pas de problème.

Let's... So, shall we give it a spinola?

Um...

"So I'm not going up there!

"What do you think I am, a squirrel?"

Um... Came out a bit dark, didn't it? Comedy love, come on.

"I'm not going up there.

"What the flaming 'eck do you think I am,

"bloody hellfire, woman, a squirrel?"

I mean, that's too much.

"What do you think I am, a squirrel?"

I can hear him now see... - HE CHATTERS LIKE A SQUIRREL

"I'm not going up there, man.

"What do you think... What do you think...?"

"Neither my wife nor I..."

Benny was impossible. He didn't even want a producer.

Sometimes you need to bow to the talent.

Are you questioning the quality of my work?

This is the BBC. It's a very competitive environment.

"I'm not a man! I'm not a beast!

"I'm like the man in the moon!"

"I'm so ugg-er-ly-"

You've seen the Steptoe recordings. You know how high the bar's set.

With respect, Tom, I've not chosen my projects.

Innovators! That's what we need.

You don't want to play it too safe.

Well, I'm sure my work will be more...distinctive

when I have control of the scripts. I'm confident of that.

Good.

You need to kick on, or...

Trevor Eve?

LAUGHING FROM THE ROOM

DOOR SLAMS

it Don't bring me down

it But until then I'll stay as I am

it Say I'll be your man

it Don't bring me down

it Don't bring me down. it

Every scene on a sofa, they're dull characters,

mishaps that wouldn't happen... It's utter tosh!

Oh, not again. Do stop.

And they think I'm repping!

It La-la-la-la-la! Laa-laa-laa-laa-laa-laa...#

You never get TV jobs. Don't do it to yourself.

Stop auditioning.

Stop?! I can't do that. I'm an actor.

What else would I do? - I've told you.

No, I'm not going into antiques, relying on family at my age.

No. Writing. You'd be good. You're funny, strict with yourself.

I'd write myself a better part than that.

Well, exactly.

Oh, please, let's not go broke.

Write. Write anything.

TAPS PIPE

I need an idea.

I make myself indispensable. That's the plan.

Well, you do that by doing your own show. That's the plan.

All I need is a first-rate idea.

No milk today

My love has gone away

The bottle stands forlorn

# A symbol of the dawn

No milk today

# It seems a common sight

# But people passing by

# Don't know the reason why

How could they know

# Just what this message means?

# The end of my hopes

The end of all my dreams... #

Fugue In D Minor by The Swingle Singers

HE LAUGHS TO HIMSELF

A juicy part, not the crumpet,

but out your hair and wear a short skirt just in case.

Four o'clock. Bye, darling.

I've written a comedy.

Reg Varney's brother in Beggar My Neighbour'? - A regular?

A scene. You don't have to audition and the money's not bad.

I'll do it.

I don't know what to do with this now I've finished.

I'll read it. if it's any good, I'll give it to Michael Mills.

Mm!

Who's he?

He's Head of Comedy at the BBC.

Written myself a nice little spiv part. My ticket.

Sorry, a spiv? What's it about?

The war. Well, the Home Guard. I was in it before I was called up.

David's producing Beggar My Neighbour. Give him a copy.

Oh, can't you?

I could. Better from you.

Hattie! Hello. Jimmy, cough and a spit, playing Harry's brother.

Morning, everyone.

Major Croft. Feel the hush.

Ah, Jimmy, delighted you could join us.

So am I. Thank you, Mr Croft.

David.

Bit grim. Does he turn nasty?

Not that I've seen. Doesn't say much, but he's usually spot-on.

Right, this episode of Beggar My Neighbour is called

My Fair Harry Butt.

David...

I've got a script.

All actors have a script.

Not like this one, they don't.

"The Fighting Tigers." - Yes.

PHONE RINGS

Ann? It's Jimmy. Hello! Um, look, I gave it to David.

Do you think he'll read it tonight?

Hang on.

Will you read Jimmy's script tonight?

He says, "Yes, definitely."

HE SIGHS

He wouldn't dodge you if he hated it. He's not like that.

He could've dropped a hint.

Oh. Got it wrong. He is dodging you. Cheerio!

Bye.

Oh, bugger this.

Jimmy?

I've been trying to get you on your own all day.

I read your script.

It's a terrific idea. Terrific.

Do you think so? Thank you, thank you.

Really? What do you like? I knew... - Leave it with me.

I'll speak to Michael Mills and be in touch.

Now, look here, I don't think you should do this.

Bad time, politically. Tom Sloan...

Oh, Tom wants me to do more. He wants me to be more innovative.

Not only Tom.

New BBC One Controller, Paul Fox, he's an ex-paratrooper,

takes the War pretty damn seriously, you know? - So do I.

Not like Foxy. Doesn't even like chaps driving German oars.

THEY LAUGH

War's old hat anyway. Look out the window. It's different times.

I think just enough time's passed for this to really land.

It'll be a battle to get this through. Battles mean casualties.

I'll take the flak, Michael. I want to do this.

You're absolutely sure?

We've discussed my ambitions. This is what I've been waiting for.

Good man! Back you to the hilt.

Can't save you if you foul up, though. Understood?

Promising stuff. Not there yet. Some suggestions...

Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison

Come on! - CHILDREN CHATTER EXCITEDLY

Ah, Jimmy.

All right, everyone, all aboard.

Not all mine. Not quite.

I thought we could talk while I drop them off at...

Well, all over, really.

Climb in.

If anyone's going to be sick, what's the code?

I know! I know! - THEY KNOCK ON THE GLASS

Ann's oar. Want to know why she got it?

CHILDREN'S CHATTER QUIETENS

Her idea to spray it white, too.

We hire it out for weddings.

Pays for itself.

Very clever lady, my agent. - Good news.

Michael Mills likes it. The BBC will pay for a script.

Not the one you've written, a new one.

And Michael wants some changes.

He doesn't like the title. He wants to call it Dad's Army.